You Can Now Drunk Dial Congress

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Congress is drunk, so are you

You know what I think? Youwannaknow what I f*cken think? I think this whoooole Congressional thing is bullsh*t. BULLSH*T. Like, I pay taxes. I. Pay. Taxes. And where are those taxes going? WHERE are they going? I dunno. IIIIIII dunno.

So there’s this number you can call to drunk dial Congress if you want to. Like, any random member of Congress. You can drunk dial them and talk to them. Really. Some guy made it or something. It’s pretty cool.

But this Congress sh*t, it’s bullsh*t, man. It really is. Like, we, like we sitting here … we don’t have a choice. I don’t have a choice. You don’t have a choice. That guy there, he doesn’t have a choice. Unless maybe he’s super rich. ‘Cause, like, rich people have a choice. They can pay lobbyists to make choices, man. It’s all f*cked up. I used to date a rich girl, man. She paid for, like, all sorts of sh*t. Her dad worked in oil. She was rad. What happened to her. Maybe I should text her. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, that’d be a bad idea.

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But you know what else is a bad idea? SHUTING DOWN THE GOVEFNMRMENT BECAUSE YOU DONT AGREE WIHT THE OTHERE POLITCIAL PARTY. That is such sh*t let me tell you. Goddamit I don’t even make a lot of money. How the f*ck am I gonna pay taxes next year. how can you pay for something you don’t have any money to pay it with. Which is basically the shutdown, too, dude! The shutdown is like me buying my lunch with loose change I saved up because some guy got all weird and I didn’t get two of my freelance checks on time. Basically this whoooooooooooooole f*cking thing is just like being a freealncer in New York. I work f*cking hard and its like NO. NO YOU CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. ONLY RICH PEOPLE HAVE DOGS HERE. I just want a f*cking dog and maybe a yard and maybe put some money into savings. But like… Congress. You know? You know what I’m saying? Like Congress is the client and we’re all the freelancers and Congress is all “K THNX BAI NO MORE CHECKS” and we’re like “You cant just shut down the whole f*cking thing” and they’re like “NOPE SORRY. CONGRESS.”


Ok. Okokokokok. So like the whole… wait let me start over. Ok. The whole thing is like if you were working at a coffee shop and there’s these two or three customers out of the 200 you get a day or whatever, and those two customers are like “We hate milk. Nobody can use milk.” and you’re like “This is a coffee shop there’s supposed to be milk people need milk a lot of people really enjoy it you cant just DENY MILK to people because YOU don’t like milk” and then they’re like “NOPE BETTER CAUL SAUL” and lawyer up and then the whole f*cking coffee shop has to close down for two weeks because some a**hole didn’t get enough f*cking hugs as a child and thinks it’s all gotta be about them. F*ck that guy. Shouldn’t even be IN a coffee shop in the first place if you don’t like coffee. What the f*ck, man.

I’m hungry.

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