Wankband Charges Your Phone As You Masturbate

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Juice up your phone while you're getting off with Pornhub's Wankband, ‘the first wearable tech that allows you to love the planet by loving yourself.' (Pornhub photo)
Juice up your phone while you’re getting off with Pornhub’s Wankband, ‘the first wearable tech that allows you to love the planet by loving yourself.’ (Pornhub photo)

No, kids, it isn’t April 1 yet. There really is a watch coming soon (sorry) that can charge your phone while utilizing the up-and-down motion of a man pleasuring himself. I don’t know whether to be appalled or impressed. I suppose that this is the only device more embarrassing to use than Google Glass, at least in public — unless you’re into that.

The Wankband (at least the name is direct) isn’t available yet, but if you want to be a Be[a]ta-tester, Pornhub (blame them for the extra “a” there) will take your request. The marketing material reads, “Every day, millions of hours of adult content are consumed online, wasting energy in the process and hurting the environment. At Pornhub we decided to do something about it. Introducing The Wankband: The first wearable tech that allows you to love the planet by loving yourself.”

There’s more. “Start jacking on: The wankband creates power when moved in an up and down motion. Create dirty energy: A kinetic charger inside stores the electricity generated. Guilt-free electricity: Now use that 100% sustainable energy to charge any of your devices.”

Why did the guys at Pornhub decide this was the move? “At Pornhub, we realize that by offering our users millions of hours of adult content, we are part of the problem. That’s why we’re going to show men how they can save the planet while doing what they do best.”

Really? I don’t think that’s entirely honest or even true. The bartender doesn’t give you those free salted peanuts because he worries you’ll be malnourished if all you have all day is beer. Pornhub is trying to keep its customers from having to stop what they are doing (sigh) to charge their phones or other inorganic handheld device.

Read more: 10 Moments in the History of Sex Toys

The technology is simple, and Steve Jobs is probably turning over in his grave at the idea that this could have been built into the Apple Watch and wasn’t.

“The band works using a ball with a small weight inside that move in a up and down motion to charge itself and store the energy,” . “Many details are scarce since its only a concept, like what battery is going to have, capacity and how much movement it needs to charge a considerable amount of energy to charge part of a smartphone battery.”

Smartphone? Really, not a Tesla?

And are there men’s and women’s styles?

Self-winding watches are nothing new, and I am certain that more than a few watches have been wound while no one else was around, if you know what I mean. But the Wankband goes a step beyond by making sure your mobile device stays charged. This could well be a perpetual motion machine — at least if you hook it to a teenage boy.

OK, I’ve decided, I am appalled more than I am impressed, so I am going to stop writing about it. You can watch this video about the Wankband instead:

Jeff Myhre is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.

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