Thanksgiving is a time for family, gratitude and celebration. But once you’re in a tryptophan haze or tipsy from family-facilitating cocktails, things might slip out. In “Anna Karenina,” Leo Tolstoy said “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
Like the colors of the rainbow, the diverse dysfunctions tend to come out when the wine is flowing and, let’s be honest, it’s only flowing because of family you’re glad isn’t immediate. Once you’re stuffed, you start to find out who is full of it, and here are 10 of the worst things you could hear this Thanksgiving:
1.) “Tim, now that you’re a man, we can finally tell you the truth. Your father is not your father. Eighteen years ago I had a drink with Bill Cosby, and that’s why you like butterscotch Pudding Pops and ugly sweaters.”
2.) “Mom, Dad, Grandma Ruth … I’ve met some really great guys. They’ve helped me finally find the courage to come out. Yes, I’m proud to say I’m gay. And I have the Ku Klux Klan to thank! Have you heard of them?”
3.) “Honey, I know that the first holiday is a really important milestone in a couple’s future. You have spent all day slaving over a hot stove and really outdid yourself. It looks great! But, I’m going to have to run to the Black Friday pre-sale. I’m really need a Crock-Pot and a copy of ‘Maleficient.'”
4.) “Kids, your father and I are getting a divorce. Now, I know you might be thinking that it’s you … and you’re right. The rising costs of college tuition combined with your need for an unlimited data plan have really put a strain on our marriage.”
5.) “I’m glad my Ebola cleared up before I stuffed the turkey. That could have been awkward.”
6.) “This year, I want to say that I am honestly thankful for my sister. Her ability to derail her life makes me look pretty awesome.”
7.) “Why are you making such a big deal about me cutting myself? Hepatitis C isn’t transferrable by blood. That’s zombies. Right?”
8.) “This meal is entirely raw, gluten-free and vegan! The turdkey is good, but maybe a little gummy. Don’t worry, it’s not what it sounds like. Turdkeys are made from cow piles. Oh, I guess they’re exactly what they sound like.”
9.) “Anne Hathaway, Katherine Heigl and Taylor Swift are coming to celebrate this year. We’ll be showing our thanks for humility.”
10.) “If you kids don’t finish peeling those potatoes, I know someone who will be in the oven for 20 minutes per pound.”
This just a random sampling of the most deliciously evil things families could — and hopefully haven’t — said. What’s the worst thing someone said to you on Thanksgiving? Share them in the comments below.
Christian Cintron is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.