I often can’t remember what I had for breakfast, my pin number for all important transactions or my password for anything ever, but somehow an off-the-cuff comment made after a bottle of wine a decade ago still haunts me.
Picture it: 2004. I’m sitting in my friend Tony’s studio, marveling at his baked chicken and bemoaning my cooking skills, while simultaneously eyeing his pillows and glassware.
Why don’t I have this kind of … panache?
“I’m a gay man, Melissa,” he answered. “I’m better, and will continue to be better, at most things than you.”
One week later I’m sitting in the audience. Tony would be proud.
Based off the 1997 book of the same name, the play takes place at a university book talk where flamboyant author Dan Anderson walks the audience through a few chapters with the help of a sexy model boy toy and shy librarian-like moderator in hopes of getting the unlikely pair to get it on.
It was cute and entertaining in a witty and bedazzled kind of way, but I’ve culled more sex tips after a few margaritas in Chelsea. Aside from a quick handjob tutorial, the evening lacked the nuts and bolts (forgive me) I was looking for.
So I went ahead and picked up the book, which was written by a gay man and straight woman writing team (Dan Anderson and Maggie Berman) in hopes of catapulting the befuddled penis-challenged woman into a ball-fondling pro.
An hour at the theat-ah may not accomplish this, but a few hours alone with a highlighter and a banana just might.
So here goes it, ladies. I took notes so you don’t have to.
Dan’s got a quick fix for any woman battling the “is he into me?” dilemma: “just grab it.”
That’s a bold move. One that should be reserved for experts and drunk people, but perhaps worth a shot (maybe) if you’ll unveil the Dan Anderson trademarked “Up, Twist and Down Stroke” handjob technique. This is a move gay men, allegedly, use to spice up an ordinary garden-variety masturbatory job that one could easily accomplish on their own.
Your “Up, Twist and Down Stroke” Cheat Sheet
1.) Get him feeling frisky by rubbing his manhood. Make sure to use an open hand and fingers facing downward.
2.) Be gentle!! Pretend you’re “rubbing Aladdin’s lamp.”
3.) Unbutton his pants and unleash his baloney pony fairly soon. Nobody wants chafing or premature ejaculation in a pair of jeans.
4.) Peekaboo penis through the fly is for amateurs, he says. Remove his penis fully from his pants and use lube or spit to get him wet.
5.) Form an L-shape with your thumb and forefinger and place your hand at the base of his penis.
6.) Slowly move hand up to the tip, swivel your hand so the full palm goes to the top and then move down the base and up again (diagram included).
7.) When he gets close to climaxing, move your hands into the “ring” position. The ring is accomplished by forming the traditional O with your hand to stimulate intercourse.
Master Tip: When wondering what the perfect grip for a handjob might be, try to practice on a tube of cookie dough. Grip the tube hard enough to leave a slight impression, but not so firmly you leave a dent.
Give Good Head, Move Into a Mansion
How important are blowjobs to men? We’ll let Dan take this one.
“The building blocks of BJ’s consist of mouth only, mouth and tongue, and mouth and hands. Building with these blocks is your quickest route to a Park Avenue penthouse.”
Unlike the vagina, the penis is relatively (if not shockingly) straightforward and an easy-to-please piece of anatomy. But don’t be hoodwinked by Private Eye’s inherent simplicity — it takes skill, practice and horny zeal to perfect the ideal blowjob.
“He wants to feel like you are enthusiastically devoting your talents to making his penis happy,” Dan writes.
Your Blowjob Cheat Sheet
1.) After you’ve excited Mr. Big, put your hands in an L position around his base.
2.) Generously lick the tip and sides like a lollipop.
3.) Slide into mouth and lick (like you would an ice cream cone) the sensitive underneath of his penis with both the tip and flat part of your tongue.
4.) Don’t tease at first — that’s for amateurs. Let your inner Linda Lovelace take over and deep throat. You want him to know you mean business.
5.) Relax the muscles in your jaw and breath through your nose. An oversensitive gag reflex is all in the mind, girls.
6.) After about two minutes start incorporating your free hand (one hand should always stay wrapped around the base). Make a ring shape and have it follow your mouth up and down his shaft.
7.) Now is the time to tease him. Bring him to the edge and back a few times.
8.) Take breaks by kissing his nipples or fondling his balls.
9.) When he starts to shiver and turn red, don’t ease up — keep up the pace!
10.) Swallow if you want. If not, compliment him on the shooting range of his spunk.
Expert Tips: “Gay men who at one time had sex with women say the difference is that women rarely go hard and fast enough toward the end … build up the crescendo to a rousing climax.”
“Don’t forget to let go after a few spurts. It’s rare to find a guy who likes to have his penis held immediately after ejaculation.”
“Men like to measure the distance of their ejaculate as if it were an Olympic event.”
What’s All the Fuss Over Balls?
Get to know his ball sack. Worship it. Own it. Love it. Lick it. Rinse. Repeat.
This oft forgotten pleasure center can play invisible fiddle to the main attraction, but this is a fatal mistake, gals. The difference between a great blowjob and an out-of-this-world blowjob may lie in a few gentle pulls, tugs and strokes of your man’s tightly wound twins.
While the book brims with excitement about giving the rougher sex a better-than-average thrill, lest you think Dan recommends you drop everything and give any sod a solid, take heed in a piece of age-old advice that transcends eras, continents and generations of HBO sitcoms.
A worried woman writes that she loves to give her boyfriend head but said boyfriend rarely returns the favor. What should she do, Dan, to make the prospect of oral sex “more appealing”?