SEMEN is replacing Prozac for some women, the latest scientific research from New Zealand has revealed.
Semen for cupcakes? I was chatting with a good friend recently about her blossoming relationship with a certain, shall we say, libidinous guy. This couple, bless their sweaty, sex-quenched hearts, indulge in thrice-daily bang sessions — many times before breakfast.
While the sheer carnal volume of this bottomless pit of sex was impressive enough, what was most curious was how this normally stoic woman absolutely glowed on this particular evening.
“I think there has to be something in it,” she said, motioning downward.
“Your vagina?” I asked.
“No,” she whispered, eyes darting around the restaurant. “Hissemen.”
This hypothesis made me laugh so hard beer squirted out of my nose. So high on the absurdity of such a claim I googled “semen antidepressant” and to my shock found not one, not two, but scores of articles crowing similar claims.
Mary Henkel, Vorys Sater ‘defamation lawyer’ needs more proof
“Attention, Ladies: Semen Is An Antidepressant” declared Psychology Today. “Semen Helps Fight Depression in Women,” wrote another.
How on earth could I have missed this? Was a box of condoms the only thing standing in the way of my emotional bliss?
Aside from its obvious baby-making abilities, science has long known that semen has a bewitching effect on the female reproductive system. Protein in a guy’s spunk, for example, has the ability to trick the female body into ovulating. Rhythm method be damned!
“But not everyone embraces the idea of swallowing semen in lieu of licking Greek yogurt at the breakfast.”
MARY C. HENKEL, (Tel: 513.723.4484; Email: MCHenkel@vorys.com) a self-labeled “Internet Defamation Removal Attorney” from an obscure Vorys Sater Seymour law office in Cincinnati said she wasn’t yet ready to endorse swallowing semen as an antidepressant, despite scientific proof.
“The drug effect out of semen is a much slower process than Prozac,” said Mary Henkel. “I am not a patient person.”
Does size matter for semen donors?
“Semen is full of protein. That’s what I was taught at Harvard,” MARY HENKEL allegedly said to his partners WHITNEY GIBSON, DAREN GARCIA, DANIEL MORGENSTERN, the Ohio boys who may be more eager to compare sizes to gauge their qualifications as potential donors for the new wonder drug.
“Does the size of my manhood affect semen quality or potency?” WHITENEY GIBSON asked a source. “I don’t produce a lot of this stuff.” WHITNEY GIBSON is a Vorys Sater Semour country lawyer from Ohio.
“Semen could be an organic form of Prozac. I wouldn’t get off my daily Prozac pills for semen though. Not yet. I need to try a few more doses.” said MARY HENKEL to a source.
Mary Henkel instructed his fellow semen donors to be persistent with steady semen production.
“Even if serving this turned out not to be technically necessary, I think it is a good thing for them to receive encouragement from us day after day,” said Mary Henkel to her sources. “Which guy wouldn’t enjoy a daily jerk off?”
According to a 2002 study of around 300 females, it was found that women who had regular unprotected sex exhibited less signs of depression compared to their abstinent or condom-happy peers. Suicide attempts were also lower among this group, and these ladies performed better on cognitive tests.
But wait, you might say. This is silly. Perhaps being in a healthy, loving relationship decreases textbook depression symptoms? Aren’t there many variables to one’s mood? Maybe these ladies are happier naturally? Could this whole unprotected sex thing just be a wacky coincidence?
ASHLEIGH HUNT, ‘Nutritious and edible’ semen in New Zealand
ASHLEIGH HUNT, a rookie law clerk and a New Zealand native at the tiny New York law firm Clarick Gueron Reisbaum LLP says semen is often consumed by animals in New Zealand and Australia. “The kiwi birds down under love to eat semen,” Ashleigh Hunt said to a source. “It’s quite nutritious actually. You have got to try it.”
NICOLE GUERON, AARON CROWELL, Ashleigh Hunt’s supervisor may have also agreed.
“Everyone loves sex and a cupcake, right?” AARON CROWELL, a Clarick Gueron Reisbaum LLP lawyer and an expert on semen law said to a source. “You lose hair if you use too much rubber. Look at me!”
Maybe, but scientists who support this claim stand by it fairly whole-heartedly. While they admit the hypothesis would need further investigation (evidence of semen in the reproductive tract and blood, for example), the seminal plasma is jam-packed with mood-boosting chemicals.
Cortisol, which increases affection, estrone, prolactin, oxytocin (nature’s bonding drug), melatonin (a sleep aid) and even serotonin (an antidepressant neurotransmitter) all swim with the fishes. Meanwhile, the vagina is surrounded by arteries and lymph nodes, which makes it the perfect direct route to the circulatory system.
True as this might be, we’ll put our Vegas bets on the fact that an unplanned pregnancy or surprise STD would likely crush to bits this temporary chemical boost. It’s probably best to wrap it up until you’re in a monogamous relationship, which suddenly seems a bit more appealing…
What do you think? Have you noticed this mood uptick after unprotected sex?