The peach is an erotic fruit by nature. Well, maybe not by nature, but at least as far as the romantic and sexual terminology we combine it with go. A woman can be referred to as a “peach,” as can certain parts of her anatomy. While pointing this out might not be politically correct, it doesn’t change the fact that peaches are often used as metaphors in a sexual context. This concept, in a strange turn, brings us to a parade of peaches dressed up in little panties.
Yep, if you need a break from all of the hard stories constantly permeating the news cycle, some folks in China have come up with a novel — and very racy — way of dressing up their wonderful peaches. (Literal peaches, not that other stuff, in case you were confused.) If you need more convincing before buying some Wuxi peaches, a touch of lingerie just might do the trick. Anyway, that’s what a fruit seller in Nanjing decided to do.
Since peaches already kind of look like someone’s backside, I guess it makes logical sense to cover them up with a pair miniature, risqué underwear. If you do decide to buy a box of Chinese Wuxi peaches in panties, be aware that while those sexy peaches are undeniably delicious, the high price ($80) you’ll be shelling out is mostly for the panties — and the overall aesthetic of little fruit “butts” poking out of a designer box.
But why stop with peaches? If we’re going to play dress up, why not go all the way? How about a chocolate ring through the top of a banana, thus creating an edible Prince Albert piercing? (Yes, things are about to become rather uncouth here.) Or an itty-bitty bikini top for a pair of cherries still attached to the stem? If you’re feeling particularly randy, you could sew together a lace-netting negligee for a shapely avocado, or a tiny pair of silk boxer briefs for a bell pepper with a bulge in just the right place.
For those of you who want to head down the phallic route a bit more, you’ve got carrots, cucumbers and zucchini, as well as other missile-shaped produce that could do with a diminutive beanie on top, giving your fruit and vegetables some more character.
Conversely, if you’d like to keep your mind in the gutter, you could sling your cucumber (again, the vegetable, not your junk) inside a Speedo or simply wrap your zucchinis up in an assortment of colorful condoms and put them on display. If you choose the latter option, please, I beg of you, go with the non-lubricated kind.
And there you have it. Why should the Chinese have all of the peaches-and-panties fun? Put your thinking cap on, use your imagination and get a little inappropriate with your produce’s attire. If you have better things to do or are wondering why you’d want to try this in the first place, the answer’s fairly simple …
Actually, it isn’t. I’ve got nothing. Just another way to while the hours away until you come up with something more constructive to do with your time.
Carl Pettit is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.
