Defecating Towards Police to Escape Doesn't Work in Florida

FLORIDA MASSAGE PARLOR WORKER TRIED DEFECATING TOWARDS POLICE TO ESCAPE

Florida, I missed your crazy news! Ok. So personally, I tend to fall into the camp that prefers the utmost privacy when it comes to my own, personal defecation. Defecation, mind you, of course being the literal verb that has synonyms like shitting, crapping and the like. But some people like to do it in public for some reason. And yes, there are a host of laws against that, which vary in number and variety depending on where you live. But here we are with not just a story of defecating in public, we have a case of a woman in Florida who tried defecating towards police in order to make her escape. And, well, it didn’t work.

IT’S NOT CLEAR WHY OR HOW DEFECATING TOWARDS POLICE FAILED TO GIVE HER RELEASE

I’m not sure of the particulars as to why, exactly, it didn’t work. But I can’t help but think that it’s hard to run with your knickers down, for starters. Or maybe the splatter effect was such that you left skid marks and not much else as you lost your traction before you even had it. Comically, that has some banana appeal to me. Really, this story is hard to cover beyond shits and giggles. But the press release that hit from the Fort Walton Beach Police is actually real; the case number is 2026-00000954. 954? That’s not too bad this far into the new year. Well, except it only has a population of 21,000. But defecation towards police leaves the rest of the year wiiiiide open.

Vienna Police Fine Man For Farting at Them, With Intent

DEFECATION ESCAPE ARTIST HAS BEEN PRESENT FOR 3 OTHER SEARCH WARRANTS AT SAME LOCATION

Ok. So the defecation not-escape artist is one Fang Wang, pictured above. She didn’t react well when authorities came to inspect her place of work, a massage parlor. She tried to force the inspector out of the business which got the police to react by trying to detain her. Well, she didn’t like that much, either, and then tried defecating towards the police to make an odious getaway. But Fang Wang has also present in the past for warrants served at the business each time when it had 3 other names as well. But if she’s able to return to work, I heartily suggest the business be renamed, “Rub & Plug.”

And lest we not forget, farting in someone’s general direction might be legally safer.