COWORKERS COFFEE FILLED WITH HUMAN CREAMER
Minnesota law has one giant hole in it. Well, at least one. But the fact that jerking off into someone’s coffee isn’t a sex crime is kind of an issue. You can still get into trouble if you do it, but it’s not a sex crime. This came up after a man, John Robert Lind, was cleared of sex charges. But this is after he admitted to ejaculating into his coworkers coffee and desk at work.
MINNESOTA LAW ALLOWS EJACULATION INTO COFFEE
We have to abide by the letter of the law. But judges even more so. They don’t have the latitude to interpret something that isn’t there. So, in Minnesota, jerking off into your coworker’s coffee isn’t criminal sexual conduct. But even the fact that a woman drank the inseminated coffee doesn’t qualify as a criminal sex offense. Lind’s disgusting behavior isn’t a crime because it was all indirect bodily fluid contact.
ONLY JERKING OFF ONTO SOMEONE IS A NO-NO
So, in Minnesota you can jerk off anywhere someone might come into contact with your splooge, just so long as you don’t jerk off onto them directly. As the District Court Judge Patrick Diamond ruled, “[The charge in part] defines sexual contact as ‘the intentional touching with seminal fluid or sperm by the actor of the complainant’s body or the clothing covering complainant’s body.’”
NEW LAW PROTECTS FROM DRINKING SPOOGED COFFEE
But because of this indirect splash horror, the law is likely to change soon. There’s the Minnesota Bill 889. Proposed by Rep. Debra Hilstrom (D-Brooklyn Center), the new law would make “adulteration by bodily fluid” a misdemeanor It would also tack on a felony if “a person ingests the adulterated substance.” Lastly, it would force felony convicts to register as sex offenders.
TIME TO MAKE THE DONUTS? LOOK OUT!
Besides having a Presidential Assassin’s name, John Robert Lind came out on top of Minnesota law, at least. He was also charged with indecent exposure. But who did he indecently expose himself to? His coworkers Coffee? For not saying, one lump or two? Hopefully the law will be updated soon. Otherwise creeps like Lind have the legal right to firehose your coffee, desk and whatever else they think of. Care for a crepe? How about a Boston Crème?