World, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Too many times, I’ve casually dropped the name Michael Fassbender in casual conversation, a name with such gravitas, a name that, when those hard consonant sounds are released from the edge of my tongue produces an air of a sexiness so true and hearty that I nearly pass out. Just from the effort of saying his name.
And people are always like, what is wrong with you, why are you near-fainting from the mere mention of this supposed rare unicorn of a man that I’ve never even heard of? NEVER HEARD OF. And whenever I hear that someone doesn’t know about the man, nay, the mystery of the Fassy, I basically excommunicate that person from my life, so troubled am I by their lack of knowledge, their persistent ignorance.
I discovered Fassbender by accident. I wasn’t scouring the Interwebs for an actor to have a weird “thing” for. But what can I say? I am, after all, a heterosexual woman, and a lean man in a loincloth and lace front — as Fassbender donned in “300” — isn’t something I can ignore. I forgot about him until “Inglourious Basterds,” and by 2011, he was basically everywhere and in a variety of films: There was “X-Men: First Class” and “Haywire,” but there was also “A Dangerous Method” and “Shame.” And well, he became a little harder to ignore. The dude works hard. He deserves his due. But don’t worry, boo, Rachael is here to throw you some accolades.
Ah, how do I love thee, Fassy? Let me count the ways.
1. You are a fine human being. Like, in the face.
This goes without saying. If you disagree, that’s totally fine, but you’re untrustworthy, and I don’t want to be your friend. Michael Fassbender is, at least on screen, a true feat to behold. He’s, like, a super-fine charming leprechaun in a grown man’s body. That’s my way of saying he’s Irish. Also he’s a ginger! And aren’t people always saying something about how all gingers outside of Lindsay Lohan deserve more lovin’?
It’s also worth mentioning that Michael Fassbender has dated Zoe Kravitz, royal offspring of Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet fame, and Nicole Beharie of “Sleepy Hollow,” the fine-ass partner to fine-ass lacefront captain Ichabod Crane fame — who are both roughly about my age, ethnicity and height. Because of this, I’ve my upped my Tinder age limit to 37, just in case Fassbender is trolling for poon in New York within a five-mile radius (this will likely never happen because I literally live in the bowels of Brooklyn. Some people, like me, call it Bowel Town). Am I aware of how creepy and or outlandish and or ridiculous this is? I mean, yes. But Mindy Lahiri has taught me to be a creeper and a romantic, and I always follow the lead of fictional characters with important careers.
2. You are a fine actor.
All face fineness aside, I genuinely cherish Fassbender as an actor, and I have enjoyed a great many of his performances. I rewatched “Inglourious Basterds” with a fellow Fassbender Aficionado™ the other day, and he’s only in 20 minutes of that forever-taking movie, and yet he is literal perfection. And even though I wasn’t at all a fan of “X-Men: First Class,” I was floored by his phenomenal take on Magneto in “X-Men: Days of Future Past.” Also, his phenomenal fineness, but I feel like I’ve already said that too much.
And yes: Sometimes Fassbender is overshadowed by or even Hollywood politics, but if you look past that, he has true range. Definitely the finest Mr. Rochester I ever did see in Cary Fukunaga’s adaptation of “Jane Eyre,” even with (especially with?) those muttonchops. In “Fish Tank,” he is … truly creepy as a dude who inspires, then later takes advantage of his girlfriend’s 15-year-old daughter. And yet, you find yourself charmed by his character — almost as much as the aforementioned teenager. Almost. “Fish Tank” is a fantastic movie, by the way; do yourself a favor and Netflix it the next time you’re refusing to leave your borough and/or your couch.
3. And yet, you are somehow still a secret.
Like I said, when I mention Michael Fassbender in conversation, people either don’t know who he is, or they only know who he is because I am constantly talking about him. My sister knows him as that guy that I keep saying I’m going to write an essay about. My mom is all, “Michael who? Is he a director or something? I think I remember him from the Academy Awards? I gotta look him up.” This random girl I chatted up in a bar just fixed me with a blank stare. All of you people should feel shame, and then afterwards watch “Shame,” but prepare to be depressed for a fortnight because boy, that film is dark.
I think some of this has to do with Fassbender’s interest in being primarily an actor. Despite all that lavish peen attention he got in 2011 for “Shame,” he managed to stay relatively under the radar. He doesn’t seem that interested in being an actual celebrity: He campaigns for his films, yes, but he doesn’t date any of his super-famous costars, and apparently he still lives in the same flat he moved into as a young lad in London. Details calls it a bachelor pad but, ew. Why call it that? I don’t call my home a bachelorette pad. I call it “Casa Del Get Some,” which, to be fair, has mostly worked against me. But I digress.
In short, my feelings for the Fassy are tender, y’all. I appreciate his face and his superb actorly skills. And frankly, there’s no such thing as “too much” when it comes to throwing mad compliments Fassbender’s way. You deserve it, babe!
Rachael Clemmons is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.
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