5 Great Things About John Bolton, Trump Names New National Security Advisor

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Trump Names John Bolton New National Security Advisor


JOHN BOLTON is great.

But every liberal brain out there seems pretty upset about Trump naming former ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, as his new National Security Advisor. But that’s sad! Stop being mean to John! He’s a nice man. He brings donuts to the office on Tuesdays!  

John Bolton, former ambassador to the UN under George W., has recently become Trump’s new National Security Advisor. A lot of people are unhappy about this appointment however, and that seems unfair. All he ever did was fire some underlings for presenting him with intelligence that went against a speech he wanted to make that insinuated that Cuba had a biological weapon. That’s all! Lots of people have done MUCH worse things. So here is why I believe John Bolton is going to be a great National Security Advisor.

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  1. Bolton will be great because he knows a lot of people in D.C. – he has been around a long time, like FOREVER, so he knows all the important people!
  2. Bolton will be great because he has a pretty fantastic mustache. People respect a great mustache. I know I do.
  3. Bolton will be great because when Defense Secretary James Mattis made a joke – “I heard you were the devil incarnate so I wanted to meet you” – Bolton chuckled right back. Yay! He has a sense of humor AND believes himself to be a super terrible person! Hilarious.
  4. Bolton will be great because he loves bombs. Like, really. He LOVES them. He loves them so much he probably wants to marry them. He wants to bomb all the countries he doesn’t like because he LOVES bombs so much and wants everyone to love them too! So kind of him, really.
  5. Bolton will be great because he will probably get on the marriage-equality train so he can marry a bomb.

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