There are a handful of exceptions to the rule (like “The Godfather II” and the second and third “Lord of the Rings”), but generally, a sequel is an uneasy occasion that reeks of calculating crassness and deep desperation. It generally signals the fact that the first movie made money, so the studio wants to try to blindly repeat the formula, albeit almost always with fewer resources and way less inspiration. This is rarely a good thing, but certain movies especially scream out to not get the second-hand sequel treatment.
Here are the 10 that should never spawn followups of any kind, as surely as I’m an only child.
“Nebraska”
That movie was perfectly self-contained as a road trip with a beginning, middle and an end. What on earth could possibly happen next? I guess plenty, considering that there are 49 other states in the union. In the sequel called “Indiana,” Bruce Dern would get another mailer — this time a notice saying he’s won the lottery over in South Bend. His son promptly drives him there, where they catch up with old family members (who happen to be there), settle some feuds, re-bond as father and son and eventually realize that the lottery letter was a fraud and Bruce has only won another hat or mug. No!!!!! Stay home, Bruce!
“Brokeback Mountain”
Without Jack, Ennis carries on as a Wyoming widow, valiantly putting the pieces together as he opens a hair salon and hopes no one actually remembers that he’s gay. Riveting stuff.
“Her”
Having broken up with ScarJo, Joaquin Phoenix suddenly finds himself deeply attracted to his toaster. The appliance has been emitting steamy noises every morning, and he’s convinced they’re mating calls. One day, he alluringly sticks his tongue in the toaster, and he gets so burned he has to be rushed to the hospital. There, he meets a very sexy stethoscope that he starts falling for the second it squeaks a little. Alas, the stethoscope is already dating one of the doctors. Heartbreaking, no? Heartbreaking, no!
“Frost/Nixon”
The Oscar-nominated film (based on the play) about interviewer David Frost’s legendary sit-downs with President Nixon could easily spawn any number of followups, since Frost also interviewed a lot of show-biz celebrities on his various TV shows. How about “Frost/Ono,” about the time he grilled John Lennon and Yoko Ono in 1972? Or “Frost/Elton,” about his dialogue with foofy singer Elton John? Or maybe “Frost/Nixon II,” an imagined encounter between the interviewer and Cynthia Nixon. Hello?
“Harold and Maude”
Inspired by his relationship with an old bag, the endlessly bizarre Harold ended the classic 1971 film by wrecking his car and singing a happy Cat Stevens song. Clearly, he’s learned to open his heart to life’s quirks and charms, and in the wake of Maude’s death, he’s uplifted by the boundless possibilities that await him. Then he meets Barbara Walters. Uh-oh, trouble.
“Charly”
In the original 1968 film, Cliff Robertson played a mentally challenged man who undergoes an experimental surgery to become really smart. The procedure totally works, and Charly’s exhilarated by his newfound mental acumen, though tragically enough, it eventually fades and he reverts to his old, blank self. Well, in “Charly 2,” obviously he would try to go under the knife for another operation, only to find it’s not covered!
“All About Eve”
This 1950 classic about the inner workings of neurotic theater people ends with what I always found was a heavy-handed nod to the way history repeats itself. Rising actress Eve Harrington (Anne Baxter), who’s bulldozed her way over her idol, Margo Channing (Bette Davis) and basically stolen her life and career, is approached by a young girl named Phoebe who wants to be an actress and oh so admires Miss Harrington blah blah blah. We get it — but watching this bland nothing bulldoze over Eve in part two would be a very bumpy night.
“Some Like It Hot”
The name of Joe E. Brown’s character, Osgood Fielding III, might sound like a sequel unto itself, but that doesn’t mean the classic comedy should ever have one. It’s fine as it is, especially since it ends on an unbeatable note when Fielding finds out that Daphne (Jack Lemmon) is really Jerry, and dryly replies, “Well, nobody’s perfect.” That ending is perfect, and there’s no need for another syllable, with everything wrapped up in a big bow of Billy Wilder wit and wisdom. So the worst thing imaginable would be “Some Like It Hotter,” with Osgood and Daphne/Jerry forging a life together and navigating their way through oh-so-hilarious confusion issues and costume changes. Leave it to our sick imaginations instead!
“Mommie Dearest”
This wildly entertaining tale of Joan Crawford’s over-the-top antics ends on a perfectly campy moment, with Christina being screwed out of the will and vowing revenge with a seething twinkle in her eye. The sequel would be tiresome, with Christina writing the book, having a breakdown over the movie and later claiming she’s found peace with it all as she continues touring the country to rag against her mother. (She’s even added claims that Joan was responsible for the death of her last husband. He must have used wire hangers.) The finale of the sequel would be Tina’s ill-attended one-woman show (about her mother) at the Snapple Theater Center a few years ago, which is one of many reasons the sequel should not happen.
The next “Transformers”
Sorry, but I just don’t want to see it, OK?
Michael Musto is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.
