It’s been an eternity since the first one, two years and nine months to be exact, but Rebecca Black has finally turned the clock forward 24 hours and unleashed “Saturday,” you know, the day after Friday. And the leap she’s made between the two days is lofty to say the least. Rebecca Black has literally grown up overnight. On Friday, she was the picture of innocence: she had her bowl of cereal in her own house, her friends still had braces, and she was just a helpless teen unable to figure out the basic process of getting into a car. By Saturday morning, she was Miley Cyrus: waking up in a stranger’s house hungover as shit, going to keggers, eating from someone else’s bowl. Disgusting. Where are the people from SADD when you need them? Let’s break down the years that Rebecca Black has aged between “Friday” and “Saturday.”
Her friends on Friday:
These girls take the prize for whitest dance moves ever, and are what every parent wants their child to be: completely without game.
Her friends on Saturday:
Who’s this random Miley wannabe and what is she doing in this Rebecca Black video? She’s even worse at twerking than Miley on her worst day. She does have great hair though.
Wait, who is this Jason Mewes look-alike and how does Rebecca Black know him? This party is starting to look decent…
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Oh never mind. It got terrible again.
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What a stark contrast to yesterday when she was partying with this kid:
Besides ditching her braces-wearing, pimply-faced old friends for her new crew of tank top-wearing Tumblr users, she’s also ditched her wardrobe from The Limited Too in favor of edgier clothes from what looks like the Selena Gomez Dream Out Loud Collection. Red flag.
Also, has someone upped her dosage of Ativan? And who is this Dave Days character? I don’t trust him.
What happened to that rapper from “Friday” who refused to rhyme?
Perhaps the most shocking part of “Saturday,” and the most glaring evidence that Rebecca Black is a woman now, is that someone gets arrested at her party.
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But why does it have to be the token black guy? The fuck, Rebecca Black?
So, it seems, sometime between Friday and Saturday, Rebecca Black’s innocence wandered out into the night, hitched a ride and never looked back. But if she keeps going down this path, and at this terrifying speed, then I don’t want to see what kind of halfway house she’s singing from come “Sunday.”
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Watch the video here: