COLORADO’S MAD POOPER STILL AT LARGE, PILES APLENTY
The mad pooper is still at large, and now we have to write another piece about the pooping bandit. A spokesman of sorts, or as he claims to be “a family representative,” the man has said that Colorado’s Mad Pooper is a woman with a brain injury who also has gender issues. The man also posted two videos online on Youtube, but they have both been deleted. So far, the man has identified neither himself, nor the mad pooper who he called “Shirley.”
MAD POOPER SPOKESMAN CALLS HER “SHIRLEY,” SAYS SHE HAS BRAIN INJURY, GENDER SURGERY ISSUES
But the Pooper rep did relate that “Shirley” is sorry for her serial defecation on lawns in Colorado Springs neighborhoods. “Shirley” is still at large, one spoored lawn to another. But the Pooper rep also relayed that “Shirley” has a brain injury and that there were complications for her following gender reassignment surgery, leaving Shirley unable to control her bowels.
IDIOT SPOKESMAN SAYS HER POOING PROTECTED FREE SPEECH, JUST LIKE PUBLIC BREASTFEEDING
In a surprising twist, he piled on and said her actions, meaning her pooping on private property all over town, are protected under the First Amendment, comparing her crapping marathon to a woman breastfeeding in public. Regardless of crappy perspectives, you can’t compare public breastfeeding which is oddly controversial, with pooping in public on other people’s property and in front of families, as comparable.
“The government cannot control where and when she relieves herself,” said the self-proclaimed spokesman, who also refused to give any verification that he was actually speaking for the pooping jogger.
MAD POOPER HAD GENDER REASSIGNMENT SURGERY, LEFT HER INNARDS OUT OF CONTROL
Unsurprisingly, criminal defense attorney Jeremy Loew told media that “Shirley” doesn’t have a constitutional right to take a constitution in public, nor on private property belonging to others.
“Defecating in someone’s yard is definitely not protected under the First Amendment, and it is actually a crime,” Loew said.
The breastfeeding comparison did not go over well, either, with neighbors who have complained to police about the woman leaving feces and soiled napkins around their properties.
“I breastfed all of my four children, and that’s just ridiculous, as far as I’m concerned,” one neighbor Shirley (not to be confused with the mad pooper Shirley) Thevenot told KRDO. “There is no comparison between those.”
But the story of the runner with the runs became a viral explosion last week when a Colorado Springs neighborhood raised a stink over her program of pooping in public, even in front of children.
TWO MONTH POOING SPREE LOOKS TO GO ON AND GET REGULAR
The mad pooper has been doing it now for nearly two months, according to The Gazette in Colorado Springs. Neighbors contacted police, who attest they’d never seen anything like this.
In a public service offer recently, Charmin offered the Mad Pooper a year’s worth of toilet paper if she turned herself in. But don’t squeeze the mad pooper. Bad things could happen.
In an interview, Loew said that releasing videos pleading the woman’s case was “actually the worst thing the family could do.”
“Maybe they thought the videos would make the situation go away, but they won’t. People all over the world are talking about this, and police will catch her. The man in the video will also have to be called into court to testify.”
Imagine that. A material witness for the mad pooper. What a rough age.