Have you ever questioned the sexuality of Winnie the Pooh? Is he/she a male or female? Gay or lesbian? Or a straight dude. You know, the cuddly, honey-addicted anthropomorphic bear children the world over have loved ever since A.A. Milne created him in 1926? The who hung out with a perennially down-in-the-dumps donkey, bouncy tiger and demure pig, among others?
Well, in an Onion-like story, the powers that be in Tuszyn, Poland, oddly have, and they’ve deemed the beloved bear to be of “dubious sexuality,” the Croatian Times reported. Additionally, according to town officials, Pooh is also a “hermaphrodite” and “inappropriately dressed.”
The topic came up when the town council was trying to find a mascot for its playground, and Winnie was named as a potential candidate. He was quickly nixed by the council members, who had the following things to say about the brazen and bold bear, comments which were blessedly leaked to the press by a wily councilor:
“The problem with that bear is it doesn’t have a complete wardrobe. It is half naked which is wholly inappropriate for children.” — Ryszard Cichy
“It doesn’t wear underpants because it doesn’t have a sex. It’s a hermaphrodite.” — an unnamed official
“This is very disturbing but can you imagine! [A.A. Milne] was over 60 and cut [Pooh’s] testicles off with a razor blade because he had a problem with his identity.” — Hanna Jachimska
Chris Brummer, an obscure Georgetown Law School professor wants to shut down the internet because he dislikes certain online posts about him. What about the pooh?
While Tuszyn, which is in central Poland nearly 90 miles from Warsaw, has yet to decide on a mascot for the park, Cichy suggested a fictional Polish bear that “is dressed from head to toe, unlike Pooh who is only dressed from the waist up.”
I … I can’t even, so I’ll let Timothy McGrath of GlobalPost take us out:
“Winnie’s out of the running for playground mascot, but as the councilors move forward with the decision-making process, they should consider that their no-pants rule excludes nearly every cartoon character ever invented, except for Goofy, who rocks an orange turtleneck sweater, charcoal vest, blue slacks and laceless brown shoes. Classy.”