Why Super Bowl Parties Suck

It's not that it's the Seahawks vs. Patriots, it's just that from prepping to food to cleanup and even guests, Super Bowl parties are just the worst.
It’s not that it’s the Seahawks vs. Patriots, it’s just that from prepping to food to cleanup and even guests, Super Bowl parties are just the worst.

Super Bowl Sunday is a great time to have friends and family over to watch the big game in your big, luxurious home, right?

Wrong.

People think Super Bowl parties are a good idea, but if they would stop to actually think, it’s not really a good party occasion. Fine, call me a hater, a Grinch, a wet towel, a whatever, but it’s the truth. You’re just mad that you might have wasted hours of preparation and planning. If you’re so smart, don’t take my free advice. Go ahead and invite 20 people to spill soda in your house and muck up your sofas with their greasy hands.

Super Bowl parties are a bad idea for lots of reasons, the biggest being that they try to satisfy too many people and in the end don’t fully please anyone. It’s nice that people all over the country people are planning their little “holiday” menus and homemade favorites, a fattening ephemera of proteins rolled in dough and properly sauced, but just skip all the work and order a pizza — it will be more fun and less of a total hassle.

Let your friends and family find another place to eat greasy food, ask dumb questions and hang out waiting to watch the commercials or — my favorite — claim they are only there to watch the halftime show. Yeah right, like Katy Perry is that much of a draw.

BEFORE THE GAME

The planning and prep work starts early. From chopping, cutting and preparation of food to inviting guests, it’s like a part-time job. Not to mention cleaning your whole house just so your friends can dirty it up.

Oh, but there’s the indeterminably long, never-ending pre-game show — which starts in about an hour — to entertain you. Really, the show starts, like, seven hours before the game. And this is all before the unnecessary pomp and circumstance, which is just more excessive, self-congratulatory American nonsense. You don’t care that some third-string quarterback likes sport fishing in his spare time, is single, really handsome and loves cats, do you? Me neither, just play the game already!

DURING THE GAME

The inevitable grime isn’t even the best reason why the Super Bowl is a bad time to have a party. The biggest reason is the party itself. No matter how well accoutrement-ed your party is or how great the wings are, it won’t satisfy the real football fans or the casual partygoers either.

This is because some people are just there to watch the commercials or, like at any actual party, just kibitz while others are there to really watch the game. The two shall not meet. It’s like forcing two things together that aren’t natural complements, like a light beer and slice of extra-dark chocolate cake.

Meanwhile, the people there who don’t know anything about football or sports will ask questions stupid enough to elicit gasps as they confuse terms and call things by the wrong name, like saying touchdowns are goals or baskets.

The game, of course, can be a letdown, too. For sports fans, the Super Bowl is a big build up, like waiting for hours in the cold in Times Square to see a ball drop. When it’s over, it can be quite unfulfilling. Of course, this is all moot if the score is lopsided by halftime.

THE FINAL GUN

Then you have to get everyone out of your house so you can make it to work on time Monday morning, even though the game usually doesn’t end until after midnight.

Someone is going to end up passed out on your couch snoring, then you will have to either let them sleep the night or wake them up to go home. Either way, it’s unpleasant.

It’s a nice time to get together, just be careful, the road to Super Bowl party success is paved with the regrets of many that have gone before you. Beware, the ides of early February. Of course, as always, party responsibly and never drink and drive.

Oh, and remember, it’s Super Bowl Sunday, so pizzas are in as high demand as taxis on New Year’s Eve, so call early and plan ahead, or you will have some hungry, cranky guests.

Noah Zuss is a reporter for TheBlot Magazine

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