Editor’s Note: The author of this article is originally from Australia. The views and opinions in this article are his. American men: Don’t get offended, you are doing just fine!
American men are a lonely bunch, the latest research shows.Have you wondered why American men have few close male friends? It may have a lot to do with the way we as men have come to understand and embrace masculinity, intimacy and plain opening up to other males. These might be difficult concepts for us, as any man standing next to us is so often our competitor — for females, power, income, etc. And the American male is forced to define his self-worth by the degree of status and success he achieves in society.
A recent Salon article questions why men as a whole resist accepting the real friendship of other men: “Young men are learning what it means to be a ‘real man.’ The #1 rule: avoid everything feminine. Notice that a surprising number of insults that we fling at men are actually synonyms for or references to femininity. Calling male athletes ‘girls,’ ‘women’ and ‘ladies’ is a central part of motivation in sports. Consider also slurs like ‘bitch’ and ‘pussy…'”
From a young age, men are told to dissociate with anything feminine instead of being encouraged to cultivate intimate friendships with other males. But here is the paradox.
The article also states: “It makes men feel good because of a social agreement that masculine things are better than feminine things, but it’s not the same thing as freedom. It’s restrictive and dehumanizing. It’s oppression all dressed up as awesomeness. And it is part of why men have a hard time being friends.”
So what does it mean then for us men to be close friends, as opposed to acquaintances, the kind of friendship that involves kindness and empathy and sometimes self-sacrifice? Well that comes down to the idea of how we define masculinity and how we as heterosexual men are expected to behave by society. We live in a culture where men are increasingly being alienated from each other, through expectations of empowerment and the role models available. According to movies, TV and advertisements, real men are strong, stoic, competitive heroes and saviors, rarely in doubt or in conflict and able to deal with their emotions without help.
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Well, the reasons for this seem kind of obvious to me. Men are in competition with one another for women, and women generally prefer masculine men over feminine men. Therefore, the stressed out American men are going to strive to be more masculine than other men and avoid opening themselves up emotionally to other men because that would show vulnerability and immediately put themselves at a power disadvantage. Men want to be strong because women like strong men; women don’t like weak, emotional men. Men might say they desire to be more intimate with other men, but in reality men desire much more to be seen as powerful and strong so that they can procreate with women.
So when a man does seek intimate friendships with other men, they have to find those who are willing to risk showing intimacy, frailty, insecurity, all things that society eschews in the self-sufficient male in favor of the hunter and gatherer type, the lionized figure of power. It makes one wonder if real power might come from turning one’s back on social convention and getting the satisfaction and emotional fulfillment that most men innately seek, not from wives, girlfriends or sisters, but from other males.
In other parts of the world, men are much more intimate with each other. Male affection is shown through kissing, hugging and holding hands — of course completely non-sexually. In these places men and women are very similar in emotional openness, almost the same to a point. And no one would call these men feminine, because they are not.
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Why are all men’s problems blamed on some abstract “hyper masculinity” bullshit? What does that even mean, really? As I’ve gotten older, the more I feel like nobody cares about my problems. And it’s true. They don’t. Well, God Bless America. I say, God Bless American Men. They need help!
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