MY FRIEND GOT MARRIED, I WENT TO THE WEDDING TO FIND OUT HOW NOT TO WRECK MINE
I went to a friend’s wedding this weekend, and it only made me realize all the things I absolutely do not want to have at my own wedding.
Nobody is asking me to get married any time soon, but that doesn’t mean I can’t plan it all in my head! And there is no better way to plan a wedding in your head than going to friends’ weddings and remembering every detail: the good and the bad. This wedding was lovely, on a sunny but cold day, and in the town where the couple grew up. It was only close family and friends, and I was really honored to have been considered a close-enough friend to be invited. Having said that, here are all the things I will absolutely never have at my wedding.
WHAT I WON’T EVER HAVE AT MY WEDDING
1. I will never have traditional, pre-written, religious vows – I take thee, blah, blah, blah – nope. I don’t talk like that so why do I want to vow to marry somebody in a way I don’t speak.
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2. I will never have a dress that has a visible zipper all the way down the back – pearl buttons do the trick quite nicely.
3. I will never have the word “love” in tiny wooden letters on the dinner table or in balloons anywhere ever never never never.
4. I will never have “traditional” speeches – where only the father of the bride, the groom, and the groomsmen speak – I mean, what is this, PRE #MeToo?? It absolutely is not. We live in a POST #MeToo and only people who want to speak and are women will do speeches.
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5. I will never have an iPad as a DJ. Mostly because iPads are huge and stupid anyway, but also because a real person needs to be choosing music and making sure people are dancing, and until Siri get sharpened the fuck up, you need a human as a DJ at weddings.
6. I will never have a cake people don’t eat. They literally had a cake sitting there ALL EVENING and then they forgot to cut it! They FORGOT. Or at least that’s what they said…maybe they just want to have a freezer full of wedding cake for the rest of their lives…well, I would never do that. Cake is for eating, goddamnit!
7. I would never have a not-open-bar. People had to pay for alcohol and I think that is wrong. End of sentence.
8. I would never marry a man whose best men told one speech after another about how “gay” he was because he knows how to dress. It was because of him that all the best men actually looked handsome at the wedding in the first place! Also: the early 2000s called, they want their insult back. The end.
Other than that, perfect wedding.