Vandals Steal 800-Year-Old Irish Mummy Head

VANDALS BREAK INTO HISTORIC DUBLIN CHURCH, DECAPITATE AND STEAL MUMMY’S HEAD

So first off, I had no idea there were mummies in Ireland. But I suppose it makes sense, considering how long Christianity has been around in most of Europe. But someone with some serious mummy issues did something terrible. They broke into a crypt in Dublin’s St. Michan’s Church. The vandals then did the unthinkable. They decapitated and stole the head from an 800-year-old Irish mummy. So who does this? And why the hell would they? The grave bandits also desecrated the remains of a nun that were 40 years old. So it’s safe to say these lads were never altar boys, right?

NOW HEADLESS 800-YEAR-OLD IRISH MUMMY WAS A CRUSADER SOLDIER

So far, there are no leads as to who these dastardly bastards are. But the Irish police, or Garda Síochána, have asked that anyone who knows anything about this to contact them immediately. The church believes that the decapitated mummy was a soldier from the Crusades. For you agnostics out there, the Crusades were 8 expeditions the Pope sanctioned. They happened between the 11^th and 13^th Centuries. So yes, for those who watch movies and Netflix’s Knighfall, that’s how there was a religious was between Muslims and Christians.

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ST. MICHAN’S CHURCH IS A FAMOUS HISTORIC TOURIST ATTRACTION

So these desecrating brutes flipped the old Crusader’s body as they cut off it’s head. The missing head and damage to the nun’s remains were discovered by a guide last week as they prepared to open the church. So St. Michan’s, you see, is a major tourist attraction. More than 28,000 people pay to visit every year. The church is small. But it is of historic importance. If you visit, you will see the organ that Handel wrote the “Messiah” oratorio. But you can also see mummies in their open coffins. Just a hundred years ago, visitor were allowed to shake the Crusader’s hand for luck.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time vandals have targeted the church. In 1996, three teenagers made illegal entry and dragged bodies into the churchyard. But they even played football with a little girl’s head.