Want to be miserable in your life? There are plenty of ways to do that. Blame the weather, blame other people for your mistakes, and even curse at your boss for making you work too hard. Most people want to be optimistic, at least sometimes. Optimism, feh. If you want to really freak out about life, focus on changing things you cannot change. Surround yourself with people that suck the life out of you.
Be a doormat. Don’t think about any topic other than yourself. Dwell on how much laundry you have to do and how many dishes are waiting to be washed. Ignore nine people at a party who said you look great and focus on the one who asked if you’re putting on weight. But most of all, practice these top 10 ways to avoid staying miserable:
- Compare and despair. Oprah Winfrey is worth $2 billion. Now look at your bank account.
- Assume the worst of people. If a waiter looks at you funny, don’t eat the food. Feel superior.
- Obsess about possible catastrophes. Overreact to headaches and search WebMD for symptoms of brain tumors and cancer.
- Fall in love with someone’s potential. Move in with a daily pot smoker knowing your love will cure that nasty little habit.
- Make kvetching a fine art. Grouse about how everyone has done you wrong, things are never your fault, and life is unfair.
- Demand what you are entitled to. Quit your new job if you don’t receive a promotion in one month. Count on a new friend to help you move. Tell your date you have expensive tastes, you’re looking to get married, and you’re unemployed.
- Never overexert yourself. Go to the gym, do one sit-up, then assume you will have a body like Miley Cyrus by the time you get home.
- Embrace rage until you pop a blood vessel. Hold grudges till you die.
- Always have the last scream in screaming matches. Extra points for wall punching and door slamming.
- Itemize and memorize every rotten thing that ever happened to you. Spend your spare time alphabetizing this list of seething resentments.