The most sexy shows you have missed
Hello, babies, are you getting sexy today? The earth has successfully spun its way ‘round the sun once again and here we are. Regardless of what this lovely year has in store, therein lies one familiar constant: sex. People want sex, dammit. So let’s take a look at some of the biggest carnal hits and misses.
1.) If You Care About Your Sex Life, You’ll Join Tinder
Take a seat, OkCupid, the year of Tinder.
Even if you got hitched before the iPhone was invented, it’s likely you’ve heard of Tinder. This “dating” app allows for users to sift through faces and simply choose “yes” or “no” based on their knee-jerk fuckability factor. Tinder’s unique feature, however, is that only those who choose “yes” for you as well will show up in your queue, which means whomever you message for sloppy drunk sex, sloppy drunk flirting or awkward sober conversation, likely finds you hot too.
While locational hookup apps are nothing new (the gays have been doing this with Grindr since 2009), Tinder has etched a special place in the heart of the straight community. The site soared to new heights, claiming to have made 100 million matches, a slew of engagements and marriages and thus provided an entirely new and addictive avenue for those with short attention spans and a fondness for a quick, hassle-free roll in the hay.
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2.) 40 Days of What the Hell
I truly felt for the poor souls who birthed the experimental blog 40 Days of Dating. For reasons that still mystify me, two NYC-based pals — Jessica Walsh and Timothy Goodman — decided to combine their neurosis, date each other for 40 days and document the whole charade online, day by day, in hopes of fixing their love and dating issues (?).
Jessica is a needy hopeless romantic who wants nothing more than to find her prince charming, while Timothy is your garden-variety cad who’d rather tomcat his way through Manhattan than settle down.
Sounds like a match made in pageview heaven.
Lest you think the cards weren’t stacked against them already, there were several suffocating ground rules that all but assured failure for two people in the same social circle who never felt the urge to date.
They must see each other every day, they must attend couple’s counseling (because that’s not strange at all for friends), must go on three dates a week, one weekend trip, write about it every day and, oh, they can’t date anyone else.
This will shock the pants of ya, but the two didn’t end up in a “When Harry Met Sally” type of romance at the end of 40 days. Nope.
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But boy did they give it the college try — and by “college try” we mean tears, mediocre sex, childish insults, near weekly threats to quit and a glistening promise for a TV deal.
3) Have You Checked Out Showtime’s ‘Masters of Sex’?
The world needs more TV shows with smart people in ’50s-era clothing talking about the intellectual implications behind sex. Thank you, “Masters of Sex.” The show stars Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan as famed sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson.
Masters and Johnson are probably most famous for the four stages of sexual response theory: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution, and for spearheading the idea of a refractory period between male orgasms.
The show is bright, visually splendid and we’re pleased as punch that Caplan is finally getting her official moment in the sun.
4.) Texas Needs Better Sex Education Classes
Chock-full of wacky sex stories, but the man who wanted to create the world’s first man-horse is by far my favorite.
One steamy night in February, a classy man from Texas (oh, Texas), Andrew Mendoza, was feeling frisky. When texts to his girlfriend went unreturned, he decided to do what one does when horny and without their significant other — make sweet equine love. As written in his court deposition, at around 11 p.m., Mendoza sauntered into his neighbor’s horse stables and set out to create the world’s first “horseman baby.”
“I was trying to make the horse have a baby,” he wrote. “I was thinking it would have a horseman baby. I ain’t going to lie, I blew a nut in the horse.”
Mendoza was then shuffled off to jail for four months, where he most certainly had his fill of willing and attentive booty calls. Well done, Mendoza. That’s problem solving!
5.) Carlos Danger, You Shouldn’t Have
Anthony Weiner’s ill-fated New York City mayoral race hit a screeching, but familiar, snag this summer when a few dirty pictures from a certain pervy man named “Carlos Danger” were released.
Back in he summer of 2011, Weiner lived up to his namesake by sending lewd shots of his nether regions to several young women on Twitter. When these inevitably came to light, he gave up his congressional seat and swore he’d never point a camera down his pants again.
The politician lied! In July we were all treated to a fresh batch of Weiner’s peekaboo peen thanks to sexting partner in crime Sydney Leathers, who has since created a rather impressive porn career of her own.
How’s that for job creation.
6.) He’ll Be a Lovely June Bride
On the bright side, it made it easier than ever for gay couples to marry.
After a dramatic 2008 overturning of Proposition 8, Californians who dream of a his/his or hers/hers wedding will now get their wish, as the Supreme Court ruled this year that gay marriage is indeed legal in the state.
Same-sex couples living in Rhode Island, Hawaii, Minnesota, Illinois, Delaware and Utah were also given the green light, which brings the grand total to 18 states, not including Washington, D.C., that live and let love at the altar.
7.) She’s 100 Sandwiches Away
Page Six reporter Stephanie Smith is living out a real-life “Groundhog Day” … with sliced provolone, wheat bread and mustard, that is.
Smith’s boyfriend, Eric, has a full-blown sandwich fetish and told her he would propose once she made him 300 sandwiches.
“Sandwiches are like sex to him,” she said, and did what any good fiancée in training looking for some PR and a book deal would do — start a blog called 300 Sandwiches.
“You women read all these magazines to get advice on how to keep a man, and it’s so easy,” Eric advises single women everywhere. “We’re not complex. Just do something nice for us. Like make a sandwich.”
At press time, Smith was still a few sammies shy of her engagement ring, but Random House thinks she’s pretty nifty so keep an eye out for the book version of 300 Sandwiches.
8.) Live Tweeting a Breakup: This Happened
Next time the spirit moves you to dump someone in public, make sure there isn’t an eavesdropping comedian nearby tinkering away on his smartphone.
Brooklyn-based writer and comic Kyle Ayers stumbled upon a landmine of material when he was enjoying the sunset on his rooftop and happened to overhear a couple calling it quits.
“A sexy couple is breaking up on my roof right now,” he typed. “I will live tweet the break-up.”
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And boy did he ever. #Roofbreakup was a guilty pleasure for us all. Ayers dutifully noted each nasty comment and comeback between the two jilted lovers for an hours-long stream that went a little like this:
Her: “Let me read it and then give me the phone.”
Him: “You don’t need to see my phone to trust me.”
9.) South Korea Wants Its People to Get Laid
Ugh. The last sexy person we want nosing about in our dating affairs is the effing government, but such a thing is actually commonplace for young people looking to find love in South Korea.
Due to a shockingly low birth rate and a city sprawl that no longer fits with old-fashioned matchmaking, the South Korean government has decided to step in and jump-start the baby-making process.
South Koreans aren’t as bold and slutty as us Westerners and find bar pickups and makeout sessions tawdry and uncouth.
In response, the South Korean government now funds dating services, organizes events like speed-dating flash mobs and supplies “Cupid Cards” (a polite “you’re cute” note) to local bars and restaurants to be handed out on behalf of their smitten patrons.
10.) The New Yorker Pays Tribute to Lesbian Moms
The New Yorker published a darling cover of two lesbian moms with a gaggle of children for their Mother’s Day issue this year.
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While reflecting on this, cover artist Chris Ware submitted his thoughts to the magazine’s Culture Desk blog and mused on the idea that same-sex marriage has morphed from “its preliminary draft of ‘diagnosable’ to the final edit of ‘so what?’” and how this all must mean a “positive evolution on the part of the larger human consciousness.”
We couldn’t have said it better. Go get your remote controls ready to scan these top 10 sexy shows.
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