Virginia GOP Nominee Ken Cuccinelli Is Anti-Oral Sex

It’s been a bad week for Virginia Republican gubernatorial nominee Ken Cuccinelli.

First, Cuccinelli’s dreams of a fellatio-free commonwealth came crashing down this week. As Attorney General of Virginia, Cuccinelli recently filed a petition with the Supreme Court, asking the court to revisit their 2003 ruling that struck down Virginia’s and other states’ ban on oral and anal sex. The outcome of this petition should have been clear to anyone who has ever watched even a few minutes of “The Practice.” On Monday, the Supreme Court rejected Cuccinelli’s appeal. Cuccinelli is anti-oral sex, and also anti-divorce, which is strange, because in my opinion, oral sex must be responsible for saving tons of marriages.

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Secondly, Cuccinelli appeared at a Saturday fundraiser in Richmond called … wait for it … Ted Cruz: This American Moment. While both were slated to speak, Cuccinelli did the pee-pee dance out the door even before Cruz got the microphone. Well, clearly it would be a bad photo op for the two men — Cruz being the architect of this asinine government shutdown and Cuccinelli wanting to win a state with a f**k ton of government workers now on furlough. In his speech, Cruz said that “Ken is smart, he’s principled, and he’s fearless.” He made no mention that he also apparently hates blow jobs.

Still, the Tea Party loves the shutdown, and Cuccinelli loves the Tea Party. And voters see through his antics. He’s now trailing by 10 points in recent polls to Democratic challenger Terry McAuliffe, who I guess is running on an anti-shutdown, oral-sex-for-everyone platform now.

Lastly, the Virginia GOP did not seem to vet, let alone google, their candidate for lieutenant governor, the arguably insane E.W. Jackson. Don’t believe me? Take a moment to watch this clip:

Beyond that, the wacky Jackson has called gays and lesbians “icky” and responsible for “poisoning our culture.” But in a story that, thanks to the shutdown, almost slipped past us all, it seems Jackson had a restraining order issued against him in 2006 by the then roommate of his daughter. Jackson denies any hostility, and wishes the press would talk about more important things, like how practicing yoga can lead to Satan worship (seriously, I’ll wait here while you google that).

Cuccinelli is now forced to distance himself from the right wing’s beloved Cruz and his own party’s nominee for lieutenant governor, the latter vastly more difficult since they will appear on the same ballot mere inches away from one another. All in all, what with the sodomy, the shutdown and the restraining order, it seems the Virginia GOP and its candidates can’t seem to catch a break. But for those yoga-loving, sex-having federal workers out there, that’s a good thing.