Tea Party Revolt to Begin Friday — Expect Traffic Delays

The Revolution will be televised. Also, it will most likely be overweight, in pleated pants and without a clear idea of American history or basic civics.

Those of you living in the Washington, D.C., metropolitan area can expect delays in tomorrow morning’s commute.

Why? Throngs of tea party protesters are scheduled to descend on Washington in Operation American Spring. Their aim: to overthrow and arrest President Obama. The group, led by former army general Paul Vallely, is set on dismantling Obama’s “socialist-fascist-communist-Marxist dictatorial, tyrannical system.” It’s like they have one of those refrigerator magnet sets, but instead of poetry, they bought the governing bodies edition.

Interested in joining Operation American Spring? Check out the groups website for the complete schedule, which does not include a pancake breakfast. Yet.

For your convenience, the schedule is set out in phases.

First phase, according to group’s operations guide, is to “field millions, as many as ten million, patriots who will assemble in a peaceful, non-violent” display. Fear not, they won’t be armed with actual weapons, but rather they will be “spiritually/constitutionally armed.”

Second phase: “One million or more of the assembled 10 million must be prepared to stay in D.C. as long as it takes to see Obama, Biden, Reid, McConnell, Boehner, Pelosi, and Attorney General Holder removed from office.” One million? Lovely. You think the lines for Chipotle are long now? And of course, they will all want to see the Hope Diamond after the revolt. Lesson here: Avoid the Smithsonian. 

Third phase, also, what I am calling the worst phase, involves “those with the principles” such as “West, Cruz, Dr. Ben Carson, Lee, DeMint, Paul, Gov Walker, Sessions, Gowdy, Jordan” … these people are tasked with forming a governing “tribunal” and will “assume positions of authority to convene investigations, recommend appropriate charges against politicians,” etc. Never mind a tribunal is just three people. 

Phase Four: End up at Phase One, Washington’s only lesbian bar, for their two-for-one happy hour.

OK, I made up that last one.

According to Operation American Spring, the revolution is set to begin tomorrow, Friday, May 16, 2014. I’ve scoured the group’s website for the central meeting location. It was incredibly hard to find. I mean, if I’m going to revolt, I need to know where to be and when. Also, how should I dress? Are bathrooms provided? All important questions.

Finally, I found my answer with some digging around the group’s Facebook page, which has about 24,000, well-informed, well-balanced fans.

When looking for the jumping off point, the page stated:

“TARGET WASHINGTON D.C. —> NOTE: Venue Change to BUNKERVILLE, NV”

Oh well, best of luck with the revolt, guys. I’ll watch from home.

Brock Thompson is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.  

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