The Tea Party is not ‘We the People’

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The Tea Party is not 'We the People'
The Tea Party is not ‘We the People’

Tea Party is fun. Not in politics.

Today is a special day. Today is the day a man named Larry Klayman — fresh off of losing a lawsuit against some newspaper that printed his ex-wife’s accusations that he sexually abused their children — plans to take over the government of the United States. For us. Because he believes he represents us. He believes he represents “We the People.”

Like the recent Truckers For America protest, the plan for this one is for hundreds of thousands of righteous real Americans to show up to Washington, demand for Obama to resign and allow himself to be arrested. Right. This one is called the Reclaim America rally, and will feature hosts of totally relevant humans like Bob Barr, Pat Boone, the dude who played Cliff on “Cheers” and the lady who played Baby June in “Gypsy.”

And after all these people assemble and get what they so richly deserve? The plan is to “reconvene some weeks later in Philadelphia, at the City Tavern, which once accommodated the first Continental Congress, the one that gave us the original Declaration of Independence at Constitution Hall. There, delegates of the tea party and other patriots from all 50 states will deliberate, plan for the rest of the revolution and elect a government in waiting, ethically and competently poised to take over the reins of a real government responsive to the people.”

Which, duh, sounds super dumb. But also pretty sad, you know? I mean, this dude has a whole new “Declaration of Independence” drawn up and everything, like he’s going to be the new Thomas Jefferson. Written up for “We the People” — who are all, naturally, very concerned that the president is a secret Muslin from Kenya with a fake birth certificate.

Every time these people do anything, they always proudly refer to themselves as “We the People.” “We the People” will not let this stand! “We the People” demand our country back! “We the People” don’t want to pay our taxes! “We the People” just can’t wait until Ted Cruz is elected president unanimously by everyone in the whole country!

But you don’t get to be “We the People” — simply by virtue of the fact that the rest of us exist.

It gets a little tiring after a while. You know, because I live here too — and I don’t want a country run by you people. Neither does anyone else I know. You don’t get to negate my whole existence just because you disagree with me. Assholes.

I almost feel like it’s unfair for your “leaders” or whatever to keep telling you that you are “We the People,” that you’re going to “get your country back,” and to make you think that there is anything you can do to make that happen. It’s not happening. 

We’re all here and we’re not going anywhere anytime soon. Progressives, gay people, minorities, immigrants, feminists, atheists, socialists, non-Christians, progressive Christians, scientists, college students, hipsters, hippies, secular humanists, intellectuals, transgendered people, evolutionists, artists, union organizers, loose women who really like their birth control, bisexuals, trisexuals, people who are awesome at spelling, people who don’t want to party like it’s 1776, the 80% of the country that favors gun control and raising the minimum wage, young whippersnappers with their crazy hair and loud rock music, etc. etc., OK? Whoever it is you have a problem with? You’re stuck with them. You’re stuck with us. You cannot ask us to get off your lawn, because this isn’t your goddamned lawn anymore.

There are millions of different kinds of people in this country, many of whom totally disagree with you, who live lives you would never want to live for any reason — who probably wouldn’t want to live your life either. There are people — a lot of them — who don’t like Obamacare because they wanted single payer. There are people who think more money should be going to help those who are the least well off — not less.

If I could build a time machine and send you all back to a time when this was your country, I’d gladly do it. If I could clear out a whole portion of this country for you, sort of like the Amish have, where you could party like it’s 1776 and pretend like the sexual revolution never happened or that we never elected a black president, I’d gladly do that. But I can’t. So you’re going to have to learn to live with the rest of us and accept the fact that we are “We the People” too. Even if we don’t wear stupid powdered wigs.

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