RUSSIAN ARMY JOURNAL BOASTS OF PSYCHIC SOLDIERS TO MAKE THE WORLD AFRAID
As Heath Ledger’s Joker once said, “Hoo, Hee, Haaa.” And that’s because he thought his jokes were bad. But this isn’t a joke. It’s just “news” from the country that has been running a fast one on the Trump Campaign, Administration and the entire United States for the last 3 years. Russia’s Ministry of Defense has been getting quite the shade the past week from, well, just about everyone who heard the news. Now, it’s your turn, too. Their journal last week highlighted how they have “Russian specialists” who can communicate with dolphins, crash computers and even look into locked safes, all with their minds. But that’s because they are psychic soldiers. Hoo, Hee, Haaa.
RUSSIANS SAY PSYCHIC SOLDIERS CAN CRASH YOUR COMPUTER, COMMAND DOLPHINS, EVEN YOU
But no, this is not a joke. And yet, clearly the joke is on us and has been for some time. The stupid mummery was first reported by the Russian media outlet, RBC. They’re the ones who covered the journal, Army Collection and its story, “the Super Soldier of Future Wars.” The author, reserve Colonel Nikolai Poroskov, explained in some detail how Mother Russia has psychic soldiers whose “parapsychology” allows them a number of outlandish abilities. He also explains how this “science” was originally used by “Babylonian priests.” Seriously, it’s quite the read, even in Cyrillic.
WANT TO READ A SECRET FILE IN A SAFE? WE CAN DO THAT, TOO
But Poroskov didn’t seem to be intending satire. He said these skills have already been used by these Russian psychic soldiers in Chechnya. He also said are pretty much superpowers. But he even talks about how telepathic abilities allow them to talk to dolphins. They were even able to give the dolphins commands, which the dolphins obeyed. He said this can also work on humans, too! But just with a thought, they can also crash your computer, burn out crystals in generators, listen to conversations from afar. But let’s not forget that they can also interrupt your tv and radio transmissions, all with their minds!
DOES EVERY JEDI MIND TRICK WORK ON DONALD TRUMP?
Oh, but there’s more. They can read a document, in a pile, in a locked safe. It doesn’t matter what language it’s in. Is that person sitting over there a terrorist? They can tell you that. But even some Russians trolled this news on Twitter. One wrote that “it works. I have just had luck completing an experiment with reading a colleague’s thoughts. He wants to go the fuck home.” I just wonder. Was that colleague’s name Donald Trump?