I ALSO WANT A ROYAL WEDDING, WHERE IS MY ROYAL WEDDING?!?
Why should the royals get all the fun? I think a televised wedding with celebrities, a rousing sermon, and a billion-dollar dress sounds great. As we all know, Meghan Markle recently married Prince Harry and became the Duchess of Sussex. The whole wedding was a huge global event, minute-to-minute updates by the New York Times included. The whole the thing got me to thinking ever since: I also want a royal wedding. And why shouldn’t I want one? It’s supposed to be the best day of my life so why should anyone say no to what I want? Here’s what I think I should have:
1. First thing in the morning I want lots of important people to show up. I want them to get there super early and wait a long time for me. Yay!
2. The whole thing should be televised. Or livestreamed. Or whatever the cool video thing is of the day. People are gonna wanna SEE IT, and we have to give the people what they want.
3. I want announcements to go out periodically of all the info people are DYING to know, like: where my wedding rings are from, who made my dress, how firm my poop was that morning.
4. Next, all of my and my fiancé’s exes should parade in. They should see 1. What they are missing and 2. How fucking good I look now. Oh yeah, and 3. How happy I am now.
5. Then my procession would begin! I would require a vintage car that was super old but still a super nice one. Then I would slowly BE DRIVEN down the streets making everyone crane their necks to see what I’m wearing. JOKE’S ON THEM the windows are tinted.
6. Then the wedding will go perfectly and I will have a tiara on.
7. We will kiss and the crowds will go wild. Oh yeah, there will be crowds. Lots and lots of crowds.
8. Then we will live happily ever after. Once our televised duties have been completed.