Robot Sex Is Coming, but Will You Position Yourself?

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Your partner is absolutely stunning, perfect in every way. Her beauty is surreal, just like you always dreamed. And she should be — you designed her that way.

In the next 40 years, robot sex is going to be in every movie theater, Italian Bistro, and human transit station. This is because we will have passed the bill to allow legal marriage to a machine … and you are going to, at some point (yeah, believe it), imagine what it would be like to do it with a robot. According to David Levy, the author of “Love and Sex With Robots,” the first robot marriage will take place in Massachusetts, which is a pretty progressive move considering that women are still forbid by law to consummate cowgirl sex there.

However, it’s not the local government that Levy is counting on, but rather all those left-wing, liberal, AI (Artificial Intelligence) researchers, who are embedded in their work and … well, have needs too. Currently, there are a couple prototypes in development, such as Roxxxy TrueCompanion, who is a complex sex machine that enjoys minimal conversation and drags along the beach (she’s not much for walking yet). And with the right program, she will spout out obscenities that might even garnish her a hat tip at the AVN Awards.


Robot love dolls can fulfill your raunchiest fantasies without the necessity of explaining what it is that you want to do, chasing your partner down, begging them, groveling, and then finally settling for a back massage. However, this would eventually come to an end, as even a robot should have rights, and possibly even involve free health care (oil changes). Research also suggests that it is easier to share intimate secrets with a nonhuman object because we feel safer doing so. This is the reason why so many people fall in love while pursuing an online dating relationship. The only actual communication going on is between you and a machine. This brings me to the most current sex substitute hopeful, known as robotic-assisted teledildonics.

Now this might be to more people’s liking, as it is robot/virtual sex. However, it is also primarily piloted by a willing human participant located within the virtual confines of the real worldwide web. In other words, it means becoming a part of the FriXion community, rather than selling your loins to Microsoft. It’s just a simple yet brilliant concept, where you buy an arsenal of haptic devices, and then allow a mate, friend or complete stranger to control these “tools” from a remote location to provide you with pleasure. The only thing one would need to worry about is being hacked, spied on by the NSA, or virtually ridden hard and put away “actually” chaffed (aka used and abused).

A big problem with robot sex is your mate’s fixed stare, which can be a real turnoff. I once dated a girl with a lazy eye, so I fundamentally know the mechanics of what I am speaking about. Even if robots could be trained to track your eye movement, it would still be creepy. I was also reminded by those liberal robot sex peddlers that sex with a robot was not considered cheating. At least not in a man’s world. Robots aren’t blood and bone; they are washable, storable, and rarely get headaches. One day we may design and print them out on our 3D printers like a flavor of the month, and furthermore, there are no known disease they can transfer to a human being, other than patheticism. Well, that’s not really a disease, just more of a damn shame.


Suddenly, the reality of what I have been talking about is hitting me. Could I actually do it with a machine and still have respect for myself in the morning? Sure, I have woken up to many Mickey Rourkes on Sunday morning after bringing home Megan Fox, but this is different. A major part of attraction is that initial eye-to-eye contact, that initial intertwining of hormones that begins with a glance and ends with a sniff (olfactory senses are also important). We all crave human touch. An infant will die without it, and a grown man may be prompted to actually having sex with a machine just for the lack of it. However, at what point does too much humanity in our machines take away from the human qualities of being human?

“It is time to reconsider the premise that a robot is better than nothing,” describes Sherry Turkle, a professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “We may think we are only making robots — but really we are remaking human values and connections.” In addition to Turkle’s thoughts on the subject, recent research by psychologist Ethan Kross from the University of Michigan suggests that 1.1 billion users are utilizing social media right now across the globe. This is greater than ever before, yet we are an even lonelier planet because of it. Kross reports that the more time people spend with social media like Facebook, the less happy they are.

In other words, despite our constant engagement with friends and family through machines, we are more isolated than ever before. So, if sex robots are the solution to this problem, I have only one thing left to say:


Robot sex is coming, so now would be a good time to invest in lube. Shares are going to skyrocket someday, and WD-40 will be as valuable as crude oil.

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