Rabid? No, West Virginia Had Shitfaced Drunk Raccoon Scare

Rabid? No, West Virginia Had Shitfaced Drunk Raccoon Scare

WEST VIRGINIA TOWN HAS SHITFACED DRUNK RACCOON HUNT, SORT OF

Have you ever driven South on 81 and gone into the state of West Virginia?  If you have, then you already know about the amazing welcome sign posted in giant fashion over the highway itself.  Welcome to Wild and Wonderful West Virginia.  No, it really says that!  But as wild and wonderful as the un-mined remnants of West Virginia may be, I had no idea about this addition.  Residents of Milton were pretty disturbed last week when they saw two raccoons stumbling around, looking kind of lost.  So they called police to figure out what was going on.  For you city folk out there, rabies is no joke.  And you’ve got to take rabid raccoons seriously.  But fortunately for the town of Milton, the raccoons didn’t have rabies.  They got shitfaced drunk!

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LOOK LIKE RABIES, BUT WAS CRAZY STRONG CIDER, AU NATURAL

And no, we don’t really get to make fun of these townspeople.  They saw these coons at least twice over the course of a week, looking suspiciously rabid.  But guess what happens when you have piles and piles of fermenting crab apples lying around?  Raccoons eat them.  But like anyone would, they got shitfaced drunk.  They really are smart critters!  I wonder if they have a Super Bowl Pool this year?  But anyway, the Milton Police Department released a statement on Facebook to ally some fears.

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DALLAS THE RACCOON? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

“Ptl Scarberry made his first apprehension today, taking this masked bandit into custody with assistance of Sgt Collins and several neighborhood residents.  Ptl Withers caught one yesterday on Brickyard Ave with the help of the city street department. Today’s culprit was on Highland Ave and Mason Street and it was a community effort.”  And one last detail.  Police identified one of the raccoons as Dallas..  First, who named this raccoon Dallas and why?  Is it the pool?  Second, isn’t it totally wrong having police in the south identifying coons these days?

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