In mankind’s unending search for new and more powerful ways to get F’ed up, there is a new twist on an old favorite. Alcohol, the long-reigning champ of drugs, has been put into powder form, and it has been the cause of great confusion over at the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau [ATTTB] in Washington. As things stand right now, you won’t be able to have a powdered mojito in the next week or two, but the technology is there.
“Palcohol” is based on the idea that alcohol is easier to carry around if it isn’t in liquid form — hence, powdered alcohol. The company states on its site, “We plan on releasing six versions sold in a pouch that is the equivalent to one shot of alcohol: V which is powder made from premium vodka distilled four times; R which is powder made from premium Puerto Rican rum; Cosmopolitan; Mojito; Powderita — tastes just like a Margarita; Lemon Drop.”
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If you mix the ingredients of one packet of the stuff with 5 ounces of water, you get a standard-measure mixed drink. Also, you can put it in food, but “When you add Palcohol to food, you’re not really adding flavor to the dish, just alcohol. We’ve been experimenting with it like adding Powderita powder to guacamole, Cosmopolitan powder on a salad, V in a vodka sauce, etc. It gives the food a kick.”
But for the love of Mike, don’t snort the stuff. Every once in a while there is a media report about some old booze hound, stupid kid or idiot thrill seeker who decides it might be a good idea to inject vodka or have a port wine enema. These are bad ideas – alcohol is a drug, and drugs are not to be taken lightly. “Use only as directed” is on the label for a reason. A snort of booze is slang for a quick drink and not a way to actually partake of it.
Fortunately, the guys at Palcohol know that the world is full of idiots. “We have seen comments about goofballs wanting to snort it. Don’t do it! It is not a responsible or smart way to use the product. To take precautions against this action, we’ve added volume to the powder so it would take more than a half of a cup of powder to get the equivalent of one drink up your nose. You would feel a lot of pain for very little gain. Just use it the right way.”
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There was a flurry of excitement in the media over Palcohol receiving what is known as “label approval” from the ATTTB. The usual prohibitionists were outraged that it would be available just in time for prom, and how can we protect our kids, blither, blither, blither. You could have a rum and coke at the movies now — just buy the Coke (which is mostly ice anyway), stir in the powder and enjoy “Rocky LXXI.” Would that create liability for the cinema? Inquiring minds wanted to know, but not enough to actually figure out what the deal was.
In fact, the ATTTB approved some labels (because of the alcohol, you have to label this thing carefully to meet regulatory standards), and then a short while later, changed its mind because the net weight was off. Palcohol’s parent company, Lipsmark, said, “There seemed to be a discrepancy on our fill level, how much powder is in the bag.” The company is going to resubmit the labels for fresh approval. That’s it. There’s some red tape to be dealt with yet.”
So, when will we be able to get our hands on some of the stuff? “We expect it to be for sale this fall. No samples will be released ahead of time.”
So, I guess we’re facing a long hot summer of Jell-O shots.
