Along with the cold weather of December come holiday traditions like Christmas tree lightings in nearly every neighborhood and town square in the country. But not all evergreen trees are created equal.
Unfortunately, for some, this time of year brings out the “Charlie Brown” trees, as was in the case of Reading, Pa., one the poorest places in the Keystone State.
After townsfolk originally registered their displeasure with the bare-bones pine, the city council was set to remove the unsightly arbor, but then had a change of mind and decided to keep it where it was as a sign of true holiday spirit, as in the famous cartoon.
So it reminded us here at TheBlot Magazine that even though not all evergreens are tall, dark and handsome, the misfits deserve some holiday love, too. Here, then, are our picks for the top “Charlie Brown” trees thus far this holiday season.
1. This one must be in a lonely office somewhere, just look at that one sad ornament. It needs some company!
2. What’s the story with this one? It looks like someone just left it on top of some random file cabinet. Good thing it’s in a position of prominence so that everyone looking for the Smith file can admire it while thinking about how another year has passed.
3. This last entry isn’t even a tree — it’s just a bush with some lights strung up around it. I mean, come on, anything green with red lights on it is a Christmas tree? Or maybe it’s an ever-elusive, talked-about, but never seen Hanukkah Bush …
Now, to a Jewish person who didn’t grow up celebrating Christmas, I never really understood the whole bring-the-woods-into-your-house thing, but I guess it’s nice. They smell good, so that’s a pretty cool way to treat your nose to something special during the holidays. But on the other hand, Christmas trees are a huge pain to set up, and what’s the point? To just look at it for two weeks before you have to drag it back outside?
And to make it worse, you’re pushy uncle or stepfather was always recruiting you and roping a friend who was over into schlepping it home from, like, five blocks away, and you both would get tree sap all over your hands and clothes that wouldn’t come off for months. Then there is, of course, the decorating, which is a whole other weird thing. It’s decorating something that will likely be thrown out in a matter of weeks anyway, so what’s the point? (Really, what’s the deal with the stuff Gentiles put on the tress? Popcorn, why?)
Bringing the outdoors inside at the coldest time of the year is weird, but hey, it smells good. In my book, the trees are alright.