CANADA OFFERS DELIVERANCE FROM NAKED NISKU, ALBERTA KIDNAPPERS
Thank you, Canada. Did you know that parts of Canada are more than a bit redneck? Like, really, really redneck? This story taps into that reality just a bit for outsiders from below the Wall. If you haven’t heard of FUBAR, it’s a faux documentary about a Canadian redneck named Dean. If you are already familiar, you might want to consider that this is the kind of family good old Deaner came from. Reports coming out of Nisku, Alberta (queue the banjo here) include police arriving on the scene of a car crash. Inside the car in the aforementioned car crash were five naked people. That’s a good start, but police later found themselves accusing the five naked people of the kidnapping of a mother, her father as well as her baby. Red. Neck. We will call them the naked kidnappers.
THREE KIDNAPPING VICTIMS, INCLUDING BABY, ESCAPE CAR IN-MOTION
According to Royal Canadian Mounted Police Cpl. Laurel Scott, the mother, baby and mother’s father had been removed from a home and then were all forced into a vehicle against their will. And this is where it gets Houdini meets redneck spy novel, as the baby momma’s father somehow managed to escape, while the car was in motion. Then, somehow, the woman and her baby also escaped the vehicle as well. A passer-by saw the three on the roadside and offered to help, getting them all in his truck. Shortly after that, the five naked kidnappers rammed the truck with the good Samaritan and his three charges, ending up in the ditch.
POLICE BAFFLED BY BIZARRE SITUATION, CAR CRASH, SUSPECT ALCOHOL AND DRUGS INVOLVED
Scott said that police consider the road incident to be a “purposeful collision.” She also called the entire situation to be “very bizarre.” She continued, “We are trying to sort through all the different information we have so we can figure out from start to finish what this incident is all about.”
NAKED KIDNAPPERS ALWAYS END UP IN THE DITCH, BUT METAPHOR DIES
Three of the five naked people in the kidnapping/ramming car found in the ditch are adults, who remained in custody. They face charges of both kidnapping as well as resisting arrest, though there has been no word yet on how they resisted at the scene. The other two naked people were youths and were released with no charges filed. Amazingly, the three kidnapped people were completely unharmed, suffering no injuries. The police investigation continues. Notably, officials hold the belief that drugs or alcohol (maybe both?) may have been a factor in this story.
So thank you, Canada, for a story that is a solid introduction to your redneck population. As John Carpenter would say, They Live.