MY GRUMPY BOYFRIEND DOESN’T SLEEP ANYMORE, IS IT ME?
My grumpy boyfriend doesn’t sleep anymore. He never sleeps. What’s wrong with me? I have had two important relationships in my life, and both men are intensely troubled sleepers. The first guy, from my early 20s, wouldn’t sleep the whole night. He would lie awake in bed beside me, motionless, and when I would wake up he would report that he hadn’t slept a wink. This went on for months. I don’t speak to him anymore, who knows if he has figured out some way to sleep.
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GRUMPY BOYFRIEND NEVER SLEEPS, GETTING GROUCHIER EVERY DAY
The second important relationship is happening right now and my poor boyfriend tosses and turns or can’t go to sleep and all, and isn’t this weird, I wake up and he reports to me that he hasn’t slept a wink all night. He goes to bed anxious that he won’t sleep which makes him angry that he can’t sleep and all this stress and the cortisol it creates makes it so he can’t get to sleep or stay asleep properly. This makes him touchy and hyper-sensitive during the daytime.
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I SLEEP AMAZINGLY, AS GRUMPY BOYFRIEND LIES AWAKE EVERY NIGHT
The funniest part of all of this is that I have never slept better than with these two guys. With other partners, whom I only dated briefly, I sleep…okay. So-so. Not great. They sleep like logs and I’m left there to ponder what I am doing in their beds. But with these anxious sleepers I fall into deep, dreamless sleep and wake up refreshed. I snooze on their laps in parks or beside them on airplanes. I feel completely safe and so I konk out. No problem.
ME SLEEPING MAKES HIM ANGRY AND JEALOUS
This, of course, angers them to no end. They see me as having this sleeping super power, and they wish it would rub off on them. The one thing you want more than sleep is to sleep and also your brain stops working properly have I mentioned I can’t wait to sleep sometime in the near future and also your face is turning into a big pillow is that supposed to be happening oh well zzzzzzzzzz.
BOYFRIEND HAS TO WORK ON HIMSELF AND FIX THIS, WHATEVER IT TAKES
I tell my current grumpy boyfriend he needs to work on himself. He needs to find ways to calm down before bed. He needs a routine. A good book. To stop playing video games. He needs to meditate and do yoga and find a good acupuncturist. He needs to stop eating sugar at night. He needs to find a better therapist and buy a weighted blanket. He needs to exercise more and be happier with his life choices.
He says nothing. Maybe just some deep breaths, the air conditioning is on and – zzzzzzzzz.
