Mike Huckabee — the rotund Republican with a hatred of all things happy and gay (Literally! He hates happy things and gay things! The word has two meanings! Funny! That’s like a triple fucking entendre!) — is considering a run for president in 2016.
It’ll be interesting to see him run for anything! Because he’s a big guy!
These zingers can’t all be winners, folks! Let’s move on.
Why Huckabee would want to run for president is anyone’s guess given that the Tea Party — while still in office — will probably disappear after the 2014 primaries, since their performance records have been considerably less than stellar (just 10% of polled Americans believe that Congress is doing a good job). And Huckabee isn’t the most likeable human being in the world, either. Let’s not forget this is the same guy who once said this in regards to gay marriage:
The ideal world, it’s a man and a woman. You don’t go ahead and accommodate every behavioral pattern that is against the ideal. That would be like saying, well . . . there are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them.
So charming! So kind!
As for 2016, talking to Politico, Huckabee said that he “hadn’t ruled out” a presidential run, not unlike someone “not ruling out” dessert after a particularly hefty meal.
“My concern is, I think we have definitely lost our voice to blue-collar, middle-class workers,” said Huckabee. And he should know: Huckabee is about as blue collar as they come. With an annual income of $500,000 and a net worth of $5 million, Huckabee is most certainly a man of the people.
“People who get in too early are the ones who, by the time they need to be peaking, already peaked,” says Huckabee, who presumably said this to Politico with a coquettish smile while drawing a figure-8 on their exposed chest before reaching for the bottle of white wine on the dresser next to them.
“At this point, I’m trying to ascertain, what’s the opportunity, what’s the field, where the names are,” he said, fumbling with a condom as he eased Politico’s shoulders back onto the mattress, putting his finger to his mouth as if to say sssh, for we are about to do the dance of our ancestors, and I am but a wild bull, and you are my matador. He added that a run “may not be a possibility.”
But knowing the veritable dream/boner/wide-on factory that is Mike Huckabee, anything could be a possibility. He might ask you to stay for breakfast. He may not. He may ask you to hold him gently after he climaxes. He may not. He may ask to keep Obamacare. He won’t.
The fact is that Mike Huckabee is the Patrick Swayze of morbidly obese bigots. He’ll keep you guessing as to what he’s thinking and he’ll make you want more, that dreamy, beguiling tugboat of a man.
But before we allow Mike to splay and divide us with his wordock, let’s close on a quote of his:
“If we’re determined to change the definition of marriage to accommodate how people feel and what they wish to do because of their mutual consent, then we should immediately release those incarcerated for practicing polygamy or bigamy.”
I don’t know about you, but if President Multiple-Wives says it’s OK, then I’m all over that shit like seagulls on a chicken wing.