Dating is a lovely endeavor in getting-to-know-you politics, until those red flags start popping up like landmines. Here are the 10 signals that will let you know early on that the single life is preferable to sticking it out with this horrible, crazy, cockadoodie person.
They never ask about you. Their only conversation is either about themselves or other people. If something major’s happening in your life, they never seem to get around to asking you about it. If you even drop a big hint — like, “Remember when I said I might get a nice promotion at work soon? Well, it looks like it’s happening” — they never manage to follow up on that by ever addressing it with actual verbalization. It’s maddening! Face it: They don’t give a flying fuck about you. They just think you’re cute.
They look down upon your taste in TV, movies and so on. They think your favorite TV shows are useless trash, your most beloved movies are a complete waste of time, and your taste in music is too retro and superficial. But then you take them to see a Strindberg play, and they fall asleep.
They won’t comment on their sexual quirks. It’s OK to be kinky and have specific likes in bed, but some discussion of it would be nice rather than just introducing it into the script via stage directions. What’s more, if they have some dysfunction — let’s say, they can’t get it up or keep it up — a reference to it would be nice once in a while. Maybe you can get over that hump, as it were, together. I know they might be embarrassed about the whole thing, but their reticence to address it comes off arrogant, like “Just deal.”
Sexual bragging — or any kind of bragging Nothing’s worse than someone who can’t stop talking about how great they are at oral sex, intercourse or any other kind of nocturnal get-together. Generally, people who brag a lot are covering up a deep-seated insecurity on the subject. They’re trying to convince you of something while also aiming to convince themselves. We’ve all gone home with the person who crows about being “amazing in bed,” only to have them just lay there. And it’s not just sex acts that the braggers boast about. They carry on about how brilliant they are, how talented they are, and how they would have been in the last Olympics if they hadn’t come down with a hangnail. I’m not saying you should break up with these people, necessarily. Just be prepared for a lot of disappointment — and a lot of coddling.
On a date with you, they start cruising someone else. When you go out with them, and they’ve had a drink and are surrounded by other interesting people, that seems to be the exact moment when they come alive and start buzzing like a butterfly. And some of their buzzing takes on a flirty demeanor, as if they’re actually getting off on verbally making out with strangers in front of an audience (namely, you). And if they’ll do this on a date, imagine what they’ll do without an audience!
Read more: 10 Reasons it Sucks to Have a Significant Other
They immediately start trying to mold you into their idea of a life partner. You’re just casually dating, but already they’re insisting that you have to go on a European vacation with them because that’s what couples do, and you have to go shopping for curtains when they say so, even though neither of you particularly needs curtains. You’ve spent your whole life developing an individual persona with your own rules, but they’re determined to quash that and turn you into an old-fashioned wife wearing concubine shoes. Forget it.
They expect you to introduce them to every single person in your life, but they don’t return the favor. I once dated a guy who I introduced to virtually everyone I knew, except for one guy who I thought would cause trouble. I left him out of the equation for the good of me and my beau. But the guy started squawking on realizing this, saying, “You never introduced me to Jonas!” He was furious about it, feeling he’d missed out on some glorious opportunity. But meanwhile, he never introduced me to a single person in his life! Not one! I later realized this was due to a couple of reasons: (1) He was deeply closeted and didn’t want anyone he knew to catch on that he had a boyfriend. (2) He didn’t have that many people in his life to introduce anyone to! (Including his ex wife and child — you heard me — who he was viciously fighting with.)
They indulge in passive-aggressive behavior. You know: “What’s wrong, honey?” Them: “Nothing.” “Oh, come on. You’re being awfully silent. You seem to be holding a grudge against me. Why don’t you talk to me about it so I can defend myself and apologize for hurting your feelings? I certainly didn’t mean to.” Them: “No, I swear it’s nothing. Drop it.” And then, six months later, they down a bottle of sangria, then scream: “I’ll never forget the time you were rude to my dog!!!”
They’re not reliable. They forget about your dates. They don’t text when they say they’re going to. They didn’t mean it when they said they’d take you to dinner. Chances are they’re on coke, but even if they’re not, they’re definitely annoying.
They’re dirt cheap. Want to go through life with someone who only goes to Jack’s 99 Cents Store on Sunday mornings because it’s 10 percent off? If so, then you’ll love me, LOL.
Michael Musto is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.
