Cartoon characters are fun. Some of those are really charming. I haven’t met the right guy lately — meaning in the past 30 years — so I’m thinking of straying into other forms and species via animation! I know it’s terribly, terribly wrong, but the truth is that some animated figures happen to exude serious sex appeal, despite the fact that the match-ups definitely wouldn’t work. For one thing, I’m not animated at all. But hey, one can dream.
Here are the 10 most do-able cartoon characters of all time, in my decidedly offbeat estimation:
Disney has provided so many of these cartoon hotties, like this title character, with his long hair, angular jaw, lean body and skimpy loincloth. It’s enough to make you forget that Phil Collins did the songs.
Another Disney flick allows me the chance to be a stereotypical gay and swoon over this brawny hottie who’s bulging with healthy thighs, hot biceps and a way bigger chest than Mulan or Pocahontas ever had. What’s more, the character is strong and compassionate, but not too bright, and I happen to like being the smart one in a relationship. As voiced by Tate Donovan, Hercules has to prove himself a hero, but his manly looks have already shown that to me. Score!
Snagglepuss (starting 1959)
This world-famous pink mountain lion was always such a swish queen. Prancing around with a bowtie, an upturned collar and cuffs, he’d effeminately whinny, “Heavens to Murgatroyd!” while adding the word “even” to almost every sentence, as in, “Somebody hurt! In dire pain, even!” The character was a regular on “The Yogi Bear Show” and went on to become legendary, largely thanks to a Daws Butler vocal performance that was mildly reminiscent of Bert Lahr’s Cowardly Lion from “The Wizard of Oz.” … who I also wouldn’t mind a date with even!
If I had to stray to the other team, it would be with this vavoomy sexpot character, based on and voiced by movie goddess Ann-Margret. She popped up on “The Flintstones” with red hair, a short dress and a pendant, spending one episode sexily helping Fred and Barney make an appearance at the Bedrock Bowl. Wilma and Betty must have been dying with jealousy!
Runner-up: Jessica Rabbit from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)
An occasional charity fuck is fun, especially since the object of your affection would be oh-so-grateful. I could just imagine the moans of “thank you” if I hooked up with Quasimodo, with his grotesque, lumpy face bedecked with weird eyes and fucked-up teeth. The offbeat encounter would be kind of perversely hot. In fact, I’m jealous of Esmeralda.
Woody in “Toy Story” (1995)
I like a hot cowboy, even if it’s just a pull-string toy version of one. But Woody is not just any pull-string toy. As voiced by Tom Hanks, he’s the leader of the pack and an audience favorite, never just fading away into a closet or toy box. And with his sheriff’s badge, cow-print vest and very spry ascot, he’s totally ready for the West Village in the 1970s.
Olaf the snowman in “Frozen” (2013)
Comic relief is always sexy to me, especially when it takes the form of a cutie with a malleable face, removable arms, a carrot nose, buck teeth and a really fun sense of humor. “I don’t have a skull or bones,” says Olaf at one point (voiced by Josh Gad), knowing full well his limitations — though he’s a complex guy who also thinks summer heat is a good idea for himself. What the heck, I melt for the guy who’s meant to represent innocent love and joy.
Gaston in “Beauty and the Beast’ (1991)
Once again, I go for the obvious. Gaston has an athletic frame, a cleft chin and a ponytail — everything the Hells Kitchen gays swoon for. What’s more, he wears painted-on black tights which are extremely alluring, if you’re in the mood for that sort of thing. But unlike Hercules, Gaston’s the antagonist of the piece — totally vain, egotistical, superficial, narcissistic and obnoxious. I’m in love!
Prince Charming in “Cinderella” (1950)
Everyone wants a Prince Charming, but I want THE Prince Charming — the original one who helped lift Cinderella out of her cinders and into a fabulous life of splendor and romance. In the classic Disney cartoon, he’s not even all that handsome (though he has nice eyebrows). It’s more about his demeanor, his kindness and the fact that he represents a second chance and a rising from oppression into opulence. And that outfit! Fringed epaulets, striped red pants and white gloves, and did I mention the nicely landscaped eyebrows? He’s a winner.
Puss in Boots
I don’t veer off into the animal kingdom very often (except for Snagglepuss), but I’m jonesing for another hot feline creature, the swashbuckling cat who started out in the “Shrek” films, then launched into superstardom with his own 2011 feature film. A charming kitty with a sombrero, a sword, and, of course, boots, he’s just so amusingly full of bravado and so delightfully continental, with Antonio Banderas doing some sexily amusing (or amusingly sexy) vocal work. The “Puss in Boots” movie told his back story and delved into his friendship with Humpty Dumpty, and though it was all a little too much information, I fell apart every time he did his “big eyes” routine. Oh, and Humpty, if you lose some serious weight, we can talk, too.
Michael Musto is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.
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