“Free Speech” Parler is Toast, As Content Gets Archive Treatment
PARLER, THE BASTION OF MISINFORMATION “FREE SPEECH,” DEAD AND INTO THE ARCHIVE So you’ve likely heard of Parler. You know, the social network that conservatives love to death? Ok, maybe conservatives is a broad term. But maybe not. Since Parler is, or was as of now, one of the main forums spreading crazy conspiracy theories, […] More
Scumbag Limey Millionaire Drives Lambo Huracan to Italy to Stalk, Threaten Mistress
LIMEY SCUBAG MILLIONAIRE DRIVES HURACAN 1,000 MILES TO ASSAULT FORMER MISTRESS So here we go with another scumbag story. This one happens to be a millionaire from England. So he’s a Scumbag Limey. His name is Aja Hussain Shah and he’s 36 years old. He’s married. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a wandering […] More
Taint Bandaid Is Now Something You Can Buy, Perineum Depending
THE TAINT BANDAID IS NOW ALMOST HERE, AND IT’S ALL ABOUT THE STAYING POWER So do you know what your taint is? No? Sigh. Ok, here goes. Well, depending. If you are a mammal, you’ve got one hole for number one and another hole for number 2. The space between those holes is your taint. […] More
Want Time Alone? Try to Win the Göteborg Film Festival at a Lighthouse
GÖTEBORG FILM FESTIVAL OFFERING ONE WINNER SOLITUDE AT AN ISLAND LIGHTHOUSE, WITH MOVIES So if you’ve had enough of solitude with your pandemic situation, how about some improved, high-end solitude? Like, really real solitude? Because if that sounds good to you, this is a real winner. But like many winning situations, there can be only […] More
Man Injects Magic Mushrooms, Man Gets Fungus Blood Infection
OPIOID FAN MAKES MAGIC MUSHROOM TEA, INJECTS IT, GETS FUNGUS BLOOD INFECTION Wait, a fungus blood infection? So I’ve never done any kind of psychotropic drugs. Well, besides watching various news programs, if briefly. But I have quite a large numbers of friends who have. Though I must say not recently, as far as I […] More
San Diego Zoo Safari Park Gorillas Catch Covid, Have Positive Tests
GORILLAS AT SAN DIEGO SAFARI PARK ZOO CATCH COVID, MAY BE IN DANGER So I had heard about dogs getting Covid. And minks as well. Dogs with Covid are a mixed bag. But minks? They’re so vulnerable to it that mink farmers have been culling them everywhere. But now, we have yet another animal group […] More
Stranded Sightseers in the Wild Use Drone Phone for Help
FRIENDS WITH A BABY GOT STRANDED FROM A FLOOD IN THE AUSTRALIAN WILD, USE DRONE PHONE FOR HELP So I’ve been to Australia and it’s a gorgeous place. But it’s as big as the continental United States. So I didn’t actually see much of it at all. I certainly haven’t been to Far North Queensland, […] More
Elon Musk Overtakes Jeffrey Bezos As World’s Richest
ELON MUSK OVERTAKES JEFFREY BEZOS AS THE WORLD’S RICHEST PERSON, WE’RE TALKING SERIOUS MONEY So I’m not sure how I feel about this news. Sure, everybody wants to be rich. But so many of the richest people out there who don’t keep hidden and talk publicly seem like random tools. At least. And, to be […] More
Accidental Toothpick Eating Results in Months of Rectal Pain
MAN ACCIDENTALLY EATS A TOOTHPICK, HAS NO CLUE, GETS MONTHS OF RECTAL PAIN So sometimes when bad things happen, you just want to put them behind you. But what about when you put them behind you, yet they totally stay with you? And in a bad way, to butt. I mean, to boot. Because that’s […] More
Vacaville, California Police Department Fine With Cop on Film Beating Police Dog
HOW CAN THE VACAVILLE POLICE DEPARTMENT THINK IT’S OK FOR A COP TO BEAT HIS POLICE DOG? So I’m going to need a lot more information on this despicable incident. Because the headline here is just as ugly as it sounds. A local resident in Vacaville, California went to their warehouse to get some tools […] More
Sad, Tanya Roberts Dead, Not Dead, Now Definitely Dead
FANS CONFUSED AS REPORTS OF TANYA ROBERTS DEATH COME OUT DAY BEFORE ACTUAL DEATH So this is some sad, sad and confusing news. Tanya Roberts has passed away. We don’t know yet if Covid made an infection she was fighting worse. Tanya Roberts was a gorgeous and talented actress who was in Beast Master, Charlie’s […] More
Police in Pakistan Arrest New Year’s Idiot Werewolf
IDIOT MOTORCYCLE RIDING WEREWOLF UNDER ARREST IN PAKISTAN FOR NEW YEAR’S STUPIDITY So New Year’s doesn’t always bring out the best in people. Well, to be fair, idiots come out for almost every holiday to do stupid and dangerous stuff. But this one is kind of special, and I think you’ll agree. Police in Pakistan […] More
Survive! Stowaway Makes It 5,600 Miles Holding Onto Jumbo Jet Wheel
ONE STOWAWAY SURVIVES 5,600 MILE FLIGHT CLINGING TO JUMBO JET WHEEL So I’ve heard of both desperate and brave. Sometimes, it’s hard to differentiate between the two. And other times, one seems to lead to the other. In this case, it’s hard to tell. But no matter what, I’d say desperation and bravery went hand […] More
Researchers Finally Learning How Covid Can Cause Brain Damage
RESEARCHERS FINALLY START TO UNDERSTAND COVID INFECTIONS AND BRAIN DAMAGE Brain damage? So it’s pretty much 2021! Um, yay. Because what happened in 2020 is still happening. And will continue to for quite a while, it seems. But even worse, we keep learning how the waves from the Covid splash will tsunami our lives for […] More
CARES Act Loans Had a Lot of Dirty, Bipartisan Graft
REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS SHARE THE TROUGH, GOT MAJOR CARES ACT GRAFT So it’s hard to keep up with the news cycle every day. And by cycle, I do of course mean cycles. Every second, to minute, to hour, day and week. And with Trump and the pandemic, shoot, where do you begin never mind end […] More
Own A Tesla? Now, You Can Customize Your Horn, Even to Fart!
TESLA GOES ALL IN WITH LATEST UPDATE, WHERE OWNERS CAN CUSTOMIZE HORN TO ANYTHING, EVEN A FART! So now, I really want a Tesla. They’re slick, sweet and have tons of torque. Now, their range is even getting better and better, too. 0-60 in almost nothing sounds like fun. The latest and greatest in comfort, […] More
IKEA Now Selling Perfect Pandemic Solitude, Mini House
NEED THE PERFECT LITTLE PANDEMIC SOLITUDE AND COMFORT HOME? HERE COMES IKEA So I better clear this up before I go too fat here. I am NOT saying that IKEA is at all selling this cute, little house because of the pandemic. Or, even, that it’s a great product for the pandemic. But I am […] More
Smith & Wesson Goes Qanon, Sues New Jersey For Being Anti-Gun
NEW JERSEY FACES LAWSUIT FROM SMITH & WESSON FOR GUN ADS SUBPOENAS So guns are controversial. That’s an easy statement to make without argument. Well, unless you are a gun lover (or nut), who have one, and totally exclusive, idea on guns. And when I say gun nuts, I don’t mean NRA members. If you […] More
South Pole! Last Continent On Earth, Antarctica, Has Covid Infections
SAD AND STUPID, AS COVID-19 INFECTIONS NOW REACH EVERY LAST CONTINENT, EVEN ANTARCTICA So what the hell, 2020? You couldn’t just let this one go? Really? Because before the year is out, we have some absolutely pervasive pandemic facts to add to the pile. Because 6 wasn’t enough. Shoot, if we had 8, maybe that […] More
9-Year-Old Boy Ryan Kaji Tops YouTube 2020 Earners
RYAN KAJI, 9, MAY BE THE BIGGEST LITTLE ENTREPRENEUR IN 2020, TOPPED YOUTUBE EARNERS So I’m not young. But I’m not ancient, either. Yet I still haven’t remembered to look up how to make a successful business using social media. A friend’s nephew started earning 5 figures a year when he was 15 years old, […] More
China Tells Flight Attendants to Wear Diapers On the Job, Because Covid
WHAT!? FLIGHT ATTENDANTS IN CHINA SHOULD WEAR DIAPERS ON THE JOB? YUCK So I’m not too familiar with too many jobs out there where you need to wear a diaper. And no, please don’t hit the comments to bore me with the obvious ones, like Astronaut. But when a job you already have suddenly seems […] More
Retired Israeli General Says Aliens Real, A Galactic Federation Too
WAIT, WHAT!? ALIENS ARE REAL? THERE’S A FEDERATION OF ALIENS? A RETIRED ISRAELI GENERAL SAYS YES So I’ve heard some pretty smart people say that aliens are real. Ok, fine. The math says yes, totally, and no, no way. In other words, we don’t have information. What we do have, is a lot of muddy […] More
Pill Mix Up! Erectile Dysfunction With Anti-Depressants!
PILL MIXUP AT FACTORY COULD BE DANGEROUS, ANTI-DEPRESSANTS AND ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION Well, this story is coming practically from a bad joke mill. Or, maybe, an SNL skit that never made it to the live show itself. But this really happened and you’re really reading about it. Unless, you are possibly one of those that already […] More
Iron Crotch Kung Fu Is Real, But Is It Here to Stay?
IRON CROTCH KUNG FU IS A REAL THING! BUT WITH NO NEW MASTERS, IT MAY NOT BE FOR LONG Kung Fu is a phrase, or name, I first heard in association with David Carradine. The star of the old TV show with the same name. At first, I was pretty confused. Sure, I was a […] More
English Cancel Culture Troll Book Suffers the Cancel Cure
ENGLISH CANCEL CULTURE PRO TROLL WAS ALL SET TO PUBLISH HER CANCEL CULTURE BOOK So trolls are now a normal feature of any culture, anywhere on the planet Earth. One just a figure in a child’s fable, if a scary one to be sure, trolls now occupy the virtual world like none other. Ever been […] More
Pete Davidson Is Getting Rid of ALL His Tattoos?!
PETE DAVIDSON IS ACTUALLY GETTING RID OF ALL HIS TATTOOS? HOW MUCH WILL THAT HURT? So this is NOT actually an SNL skit? This is real? Because, ok, just wow. Pete Davidson is a pretty funny guy. Sure, he lives with his mom in Staten Island. But even he makes fun of that. I think […] More
Tom Cruise In a Rage Over Broken Covid Protocol
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE CREW BREAK COVID PROTOCOL, AND TOM CRUISE WENT ALL-IN WITH RAGE TIRADE Ah, we’re in for some more Tom Cruise news. As you know, making movies is hard to do in a pandemic. But ok, it’s not as hard as actually seeing movies in a pandemic. We can’t really do that at all. […] More
Empty of People, Full of Cocaine, Boat Washes Up on Remote Pacific Isle
EMPTY OF PEOPLE BOAT WASHES UP ON REMOTE PACIFIC ISLAND, WITH LOTS OF COCAINE A drug boat on a remote isle? That’s slightly odd. Sure, the pandemic is happening and all. And that means, well, that means a lot of things. And I’m talking about things that we don’t really think about too much. Well, […] More
Wait, What? Most of Earth’s Vanilla Comes From Madagascar?
A VANILLA EDUCATION, WHERE IT’S FROM, WHERE WE GET IT TODAY, AND MAJOR HISTORY So this is one of those stories where I now realize how little I actually knew about something. So sure, that sounds either asinine or totally egotistic. But work with me here. Things we find normal and familiar in our lives […] More
France Officially Allows the Development of Super Soldiers
FRANCE JUMPS INTO THE FRAY, THE “ARMS” RACE IS ON TO MAKE A SUPER SOLDIER So I don’t really know how to feel about this news. Super soldiers. I’ve seen just a few movies about super soldiers. Shoot, Captain bloody America is one. But the term super soldier is pretty broad. Augmentation can mean a […] More
Attacking, Biting Rats Close New York City Chipotle
NEW YORK CITY CHIPOTLE FINALLY CLOSES AFTER MARAUDING, BITING RATS FINALLY WIN Well, this is crap news. I actually like the Chipotle chain. Well, even though I haven’t been to one in at least 5 years. It’s a good eat, or at least it was. With the pandemic, I haven’t eaten anywhere at all since […] More
After Covid, 2024 Paris Olympics Will Finally Have Breakdancing Competition
2024 PARIS OLYMPICS WILL FEATURE FULL-ON, COMPETITIVE MEDAL SPORT YOU MAY KNOW AS BREAKDANCING So some good news is finally in the offing. There really hasn’t been enough in the year 2020. But even though this good news is something that won’t be actually really happening for almost 4 years, the anticipation it will bring […] More
New Orleans Swingers Festival Gets 41 Horny Folks Covid
41 HORNY SWINGERS CATCH COVID AFTER ATTENDING NEW ORLEANS SWINGERS FESTIVAL So about a month ago, there was a swingers festival in New Orleans. The name of the sordid horny event was Naughty in N’awlins. And, to be fair, that’s a pretty good name for a swingers festival. But, again, this one happened just last […] More
Crazy! Arctic Dinosaurs Used to Live in Snowy Winter Conditions
ARCTIC DINOSAURS MAY HAVE LIVED THERE YEAR ROUND, IN SNOW AND FULL WINTERS So we’ve learned a whole lot about dinosaurs in recent years. I mean, just look at what we know since the first Jurassic Park movie came out? They made that movie before we really knew that most dinosaurs probably had feathers! And […] More
Singapore Restaurant Already Serving Chicken Frankenmeat
SINGAPORE RESTAURANT IS THE FIRST EVER TO OFFER LAB GROWN, CHICKEN FRANKENMEAT So have you heard of Frankenmeat? No? Well, it’s “meat.” It just doesn’t come from a naturally grown animal. So yes, that means that this stuff grows in a lab. It’s really, really likely that the time will come that only a select […] More
Alabama Thugshot Christmas Tree Outrages Pretty Much Everyone
MOBILE, ALABAMA SHERIFF’S OFFICE POSTS PICTURES OF OFFENSIVE, THUGSHOT CHRISTMAS TREE So there’s a lot of bad judgement manifesting out there these days. Way more than the already too much we had before. And the latest in the endless stream of such examples is from Mobile, Alabama. Despite their name, the local sheriff doesn’t get […] More
Austrian Village Changes Name to Fugging, Because Old Name Was…..
BECAUSE THE NAME WAS TOO FUNNY, AUSTRIAN VILLAGES GETS NEW NAME: FUGGING So fuck it. I’m just gonna dive right into this directly. There are a lot people who love the classic, oddly weird names of the places they live in. Sometimes, it’s just a street or a region. But when it’s your town’s name, […] More
Star Trek: Discovery Stars Play D&D For Creative Energy
STAR TREK: DISCOVERY STARS PLAY D&D TO GET THE CREATIVE JUICES GOING So it took me quite a while to try watching the current and latest Star Trek series: Discovery. I had heard all about it online and had seen commercials for it, of course. But, to be fair, sometimes it takes a while for […] More
Ohio Covid Rules For High School Wrestling, No Shaking Hands
OHIO HIGH SCHOOL WRESTLING IS STILL ON, BUT NO SHAKING HANDS BECAUSE COVID? So stupid is as stupid does over and over and over again. I mean, really. How much can we contort ourselves into stupidity? Well, a lot it seems. Because Covid-19 is currently ravaging the United States. And if you think the pandemic […] More
Margaret Thatcher’s Bronze Statue Gets Long Line of Egg Throwers
BRONZE STATUE OF IRON LADY MARGARET THATCHER DRAWS THOUSANDS TO THROW EGGS So I know it’s the year 2020 and it’s been a long time since we really had to think about previous public figures like Margaret Thatcher. If your brain has a question mark appearing over it that means you weren’t around so much […] More
In Bavarian Mountains, Random Giant Phallus Replaces Smaller Giant Phallus
BAVARIAN MOUNTAINS HAS A NEW, RANDOM, BIGGER GIANT WOODEN PALLUS, NOW WITH TESTICLES So there’s a lot of random news out there about random enigmas like the monoliths in the middle of nowhere that people find. But then they’re gone! While those little mysteries seem to have cleared up, there are bigger, better enigmas to […] More
Alms For the President Billionaire? Why is Trump Begging for Money?
WHY IS SELF-DESCRIBED, BILLIONAIRE SUCCESS STORY DONALD TRUMP BEGGING FOR MONEY? So brand is important. Even if you’re in pre-school, you know this at a basic, instinctual level. But for most little kids, they learn that being in trouble all the time is not a good thing. Everyone always assumes the worst about you. You […] More
Anti-Gay, Hungarian Pol Caught At Men-Only Orgy, Bag of Drugs
ANTI-GAY HUNGARIAN POLITICIAN GOES DOWN IN FLAMES, CAREER TOTALLY OVER Hahaha. It sure does look like the biggest hypocrites are the anti-gay pols all over the world. You know, politicians? We’re sure had more that our share of them here in the US. But now, there’s a new club, um, member, and he’s Hungarian. And […] More
Weird: Mystery Utah Monolith First Appears, Gets Press, Disappears
FIRST THE MONOLITH APPEARS IN REMOTE UTAH, NOW IT DISAPPEARS, POOF So what the hell is this about? A week or so ago, a survey found a shiny metallic monolith in Utah’s Red Rock Country. At first, people just shrugged off the news. Well, and made fun of the hikers for touching it in photo […] More
Dutch Artist Made Tower That Turns Beijing Smog Into Diamonds
AIR PURIFYING TOWER MADE BY DUTCH ARTIST TO CLEAN THE AIR, MAKES SMOG DIAMONDS So this sounds just too fantastic to be true. Or, rather, it’s straight out of a sci-fi novel or TV show. You know, letting readers and viewers know that amazing solutions are possible, just not real? Well, I for one am […] More
Culled, Danish Zombie Mink Are Coming Back From the Dead
DANISH ZOMBIE MINK LITERALLY RISE FROM THE DEAD FROM GASSY MASS GRAVES Zombie mink. So you likely have already heard that mink all over the world have been under the culling gin in recent months. And Denmark literally culled (killed) all of their mink. So why? Because mink catch Covid and spread it on. That’s […] More
Grana Padano Goes After YouTuber For Cheesemaking Reveal
GRANA PADANO PLAYS GOLIATH, THREATENS YOUTUBER FOR VIDEO EXPLAINING CHEESEMAKING So I’m not too familiar with Grana Padano cheese. It’s a family of cheese I’m sure to have had. But who knows? So yes, I do love me some cheese. Even stinky cheese after my taste buds got old enough. Well, usually with a nice […] More
50,000 Farmed Salmon Escape Into the Wild, Zoologists Smell Something Bad
50,000 SALMON ESCAPE IN TASMANIA, AND ZOOLOGISTS SAY IT STINKS TO HIGH HEAVEN So salmon is some damn fine eating, if you ask me. Even people who say they hate eating fish, often eat salmon. And while there’s a big difference between farmed salmon and ocean salmon, there’s an even bigger difference in price. But […] More
Hot News, As Chili Peppers May Make You Live Longer
OLD HOTNESS IT THE NEW HOTNESS, AS EATING CHILI PEPPERS MAY MAKE YOU LIVE LONGER So I love me some chili peppers. Why? Because no matter what’s happening in your world, eating them changes… well, your world. But I do caution to eat them in moderation, even if you’re gung ho with the spicy stuff. […] More
School In France Asks Parents to Stop Throwing Late Kids Over Gate
FRANCE SCHOOL HAS TO INFORM PARENTS NOT TO THROW LATE KIDS OVER THE GATE ANYMORE So sometimes the news just flummoxes me. And that’s the perfect word to use here. Flummox. I am flummoxed. A school in France has had to make an unusual request of parents of the kids that attend there. And no, […] More
Silver Spoons Star Ricky Schroder Helps Bail Out Murderer, Kyle Rittenhouse
RICKY SCHRODER OF SILVER SPOONS HELPS BAIL OUT MURDERER KYLE RITTENHOUSE? So I can’t remember ever liking the show Silver Spoons. I don’t know, maybe I was too old already when it hit the air. And since I’m a dude, I never really knew what the Ricky Schroder appeal was, anyway. And this story vaguely […] More
Say What? Crazy Weird Platypuses Also Glow in the Dark, Too?
PLATYPUSES WERE ALREADY CRAZY WEIRD, BUT NOW THEY GLOW IN THE DARK, TOO? So I don’t know what to make of this. I mean, the platypus is one weird animal. Evolution has given it traits we just haven’t found together anywhere else. And somehow, we’ve just made another discovery, in the year 2020, about platypuses? […] More
Sci-Fi Great Alan Dean Foster Calls Disney For No Royalties
DISNEY REFUSES TO PAY ALAN DEAN FOSTER ROYALTIES FOR HIS STAR WARS, ALIENS BOOKS So if you are a geek, like I am, you already know who Alan Dean Foster is. He’s literally one of the all-time greats when it comes to successful sci-fi writing. No, don’t know him? Well, how about Star Wars? Because […] More
Manna From Heaven? Meteorite Thru Roof Nets $1 Million
A METEORITE CRASHED THRU HIS ROOF, BUT IT WAS MANNA FROM HEAVEN WORTH $1 MILLION So sometimes fortune is a mixed bag. You know, when things seem a bit come see, come saw? Well, this story is just a little better than that. This is about literal Manna from heaven. Don’t believe it? Well, money […] More
Police Lamborghini Delivers Life Saving Transplant Kidney, 300 Miles FAST
A KIDNEY NEEDED A SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR A TRANSPLANT, AND FAST, BUT A POLICE LAMBORGHINI? So I have to start approaching this with, there is a police Lamborghini in Italy? And yes, the answer it totally yes. And that is, in fact, a picture of said police Lamborghini right there in front of you. I’m […] More
After Sean Connery’s Passing, An Auction For Bond’s Walther PPK Pistol
REMEMBERING SEAN CONNERY, AUCTION INCLUDES FAMOUS DR. NO WALTHER PPK PROP So Sean Connery has passed away. While this isn’t a memory piece on Connery, which would be an epic writing in its own write, this piece is definitely related. As our living icons leave us, we are left with nothing but memories and, in […] More
Thai Taxi Driver Dies in Orgy, Viagra and Erection Cream Heart Attack
AT A REGULAR ORGY PARTY, A THAI TAXI DRIVER DIES FROM A HEART ATTACK, USING VIAGRA AND ERECTION CREAM So this is pretty sad. But people die having sex all the time. No, really. And as ways to go, it doesn’t sound all that bad to me. But of course, the same might not be […] More
Depp Fired From Fantastic Beasts 3, Still Gets Paid $10 Million for 1 Scene
FIRED FROM FANTASTIC BEASTS 3, JOHNNY DEPP STILL GETS PAID $10 MILLION Well, this isn’t a here’s Johnny story. It’s more of a here’s NOT Johnny in Fantastic Beasts 3. It’s been all over the news that Johnny Depp lost his libel suit against the English rag, The Sun. Libel? Well, yes, libel. They wrote […] More
AMC Theatres in Trouble, So Offering Private Screening For $99
IN SERIOUS MONEY TROUBLE, AMC THEATRES TO OFFER PRIVATE GROUP SCREENINGS FOR $99 So are you not entertained? Well, hell no. Of course you aren’t. None of us are. It’s a bloody freaking pandemic. So of all the normal things people are missing, it’s going to the movies. And sure, there aren’t too many new […] More
Australia Dentist Breaks Quarantine, Gets Jail Time
DENTIST IN AUSTRALIA BREAKS QUARANTINE AFTER TRIP TO TREAT PATIENTS, GETS JAIL TIME So here in the United States, the Covid pandemic leaves you in either of (at least) two places. Either you’re shit scared and take every precaution you can, or you think it’s not real and it’s simply no big deal at all. […] More
Cops Find That Sleeping Homeless Person on Bench Was Jesus Statue
BAD SAMARITAN CALLS POLICE ON HOMELESS PERSON, BUT WAS A JESUS STATUE So when I started thinking about how to write this piece I thought, what would Jesus do? You know, WWJD? Because it’s a question “good Christians” seem to have a hard time remembering. Irony is one thing. This goes way, way beyond irony. […] More
Aegean Sea Greek Island to Go Totally Electric With Volkswagen
GREEK GOVERNMENT AIMS FOR THE FUTURE, AEGEAN ISLAND TO BE TOTALLY ELECTRIC IN TWO YEARS So here is an interesting Petri dish in the era of electronic cars. But while it’s an island and that makes it easier, it’s still pretty interesting news. The Greek government has made a commitment to go totally electric on […] More
Tyson Foods Plant Managers Had Cash Bets for Staff Covid Infection
PLANT MANAGERS AT TYSON FOODS MADE CASH BETS ON EMPLOYEES GETTING COVID AT WORK So as much as I hate to write about this after watching a lot of American Barbecue Showdown. Because it just makes you want to eat all those amazing meats off a grill. But when you really think about the actual […] More
Covid Vaccine News Makes Gun Stocks Tumble in Price, But Why?
HOW IS IT THAT NEWS OF A GOOD COVID VACCINE IS MAKING ALL GUN STOCKS TUMBLE IN PRICE? So I really don’t get it. We just got the news that two different Covid vaccine trials went better than anyone expected. Like, we’re talking about a 90% effectiveness rate. And that’s some great news to get […] More
Oreo Made an Asteroid Proof Bunker in the Arctic, Why?
OREO COOKIE COMPANY MADE A DOOMSDAY, ASTEROID BUNKER IN NORWAY’S ARCTIC So Orios are the bomb. And because of bombs, we needs bunkers. I have a lot of fond memories eating them in a whole variety of ways. Everyone who loves Oreos has or had their own way of eating them. And it was always […] More
Washington State Legalizes Dead Body Composting
WEIRD? WASHINGTON STATE LEGALIZES HUMAN, DEAD BODY COMPOSTING So is the idea of composting dead bodies a future thing or a past thing? I remember this idea in a lot of old sci-fi stories. But human remains are a resource just like anything else. For the soil, at least. And Washington state passed a bill […] More
ELECTION! Colorado Voters Choose to Bring Back Grey Wolves
COLORADO VOTERS PASS PROPOSITION TO RE-INTRODUCE GREY WOLVES BACK INTO THE WILD So Biden and Trump? Nah, this isn’t that kind of election news. Voters all across the country made choices on a host of issues. Recreational use Marijuana and so many, many others. But this one makes me happy, and I’m not a constituent […] More
Zambian Woman Bites Off Husband’s Penis Over Rat in Bedroom
AFTER ZAMBIAN HUSBAND REFUSES TO REMOVE RAT FROM BEDROOM, WIFE BITES OFF HIS PENIS So with all the craziness of the past few weeks, I totally missed this story. Now, you won’t either. And for all the guys out there reading this, good luck with your dreams at night. A Zambian woman got really upset […] More
Romanian Town Somehow Reelects Dead Mayor to Office
DEAD MAN WINS REELECTION FOR MAYOR IN SMALL ROMANIAN TOWN So it’s election week. And we’ve totally been thru it here in the United States. Fortunately, the wait is over for us. And it’s been a doozy by any measurement you can think of. But this year’s pandemic election cycle has had some other crazy […] More
Stranded Japanese Tourist Gets Private Machu Picchu Visit
JAPANESE TOURIST STUCK IN PERU GETS DREAM COME TRUE, GETS PRIVATE MACHU PICCHU VISIT So I’ve never been to Machu Picchu. But I’ve got family and friends who have and they say it’s completely amazing. And if I was jealous before, it’s nothing like I’m jealous now. And that’s totally, utterly jealous. Because a nice […] More
Colorado Elk Gored Golfer, Sliced His Kidney in Half
ELK GORED COLORADO GOLFER BETWEEN HOLES, SLICING HIS KIDNEY IN TWO PIECES So I don’t know about anyone else. But I like golf. Well, playing golf, not watching it on television. Though, I must say that Beavis and Butthead clearly understood that golf coverage is full of innuendo. But I haven’t been able to play […] More
Alive Man Mistakenly in Mortuary Freezer Saved, But Later Dies
DOCTORS AGAIN DECLARE SOMEONE DEAD, PUT IN MORTUARY FREEZER FOR A DAY So this is getting pretty ridiculous. We keep seeing these stories about people that doctors declared dead who weren’t yet dead. And now there’s another one? But this one doesn’t have a happy ending by any means. So this time, the story is […] More
Borat Return Infects Kazakhstan, New Slogan is Now Very Nice
KAZAKHSTAN HATED BORAT, BUT NOW THEY THINK HE’S VERY NICE FOR TOURISM So you already know, Borat is back. Well, he’s been back for a little while now. Long enough for everyone to already barf, at least once. You know, that tucking in the shirt situation? And no, Rudy, no one is buying your bullshit. […] More
West Virginia Woman In Jail for Killing Boyfriend, Marrying Her Father
HILLBILLY HORROR STORY, AS WOMAN MURDERS BOYFRIEND TO THEN MARRY HER FATHER So West Virginia is a Wild and Wonderful place. It says just that on welcoming road signs on the state line. But this story is so much more than wild. And it’s got nothing to do with wonderful in any regard. You know […] More
Dutch Hacker Gets Into Trump Twitter Account on Try #5
DUTCH HACKER IN SHOCK WHEN 5TH PASSWORD TRY FOR TRUMP’S TWITTER ACCOUNT WORKS But her emails? Bloody Fucking Hell. So screw her emails. And screw Ivanka’s, and Jared’s, too. Why? Because none of those “emails” stories are relevant? Hell, no. Because if you want to know just how much amateur hour has been running the […] More
Upstate NY Couple Discovers 100-Year-Old Bootleg Whiskey in Home
UPSTATE NY COUPLE MAKE HUGE DISCOVERY A YEAR AFTER LIVING IN PERIOD HOME Well, it’s too bad this house is off the market. But it may be a side note to folks who are looking to buy: look at the history of possible homes really closely. But one Upstate NY couple had no clue what […] More
Trump Covid Infection Spikes Citizen Research into Schadenfreude
AFTER COVID HIT DONALD TRUMP, SUDDENLY SEARCHES FOR SCHADENFREUDE SPIKED LIKE CRAZY So here we are, with no more presidential debates to debase ourselves with watching. And the under two-week countdown to Election Day itself. But before we proceed with our various efforts of controlling our anxiety, disgust and general exhaustion, I want to look […] More
Daily Black Licorice Diet Kills Massachusetts Man
BLACK LICORICE CANDY CAN BE DEADLY, MASSACHUSETTS MAN DISCOVERS So. Black licorice can kill you. Seriously. And I know, I know, anything can kill you, especially if there’s too much of it. But licorice, never mind black licorice, was not an item I would ever have put on my list of deadly things I need […] More
Covid-19 Vaccine Side Effect Could Be 500,000 Dead Sharks
COVID-19 VACCINE COULD MAKE WAVES, UP TO 500,000 DEAD SHARKS FOR PRODUCTION So much for jumping the shark. This is more like, depth charging the shark all over the world. And no, I don’t particularly like sharks. Jaws came out when I was a kid and so I saw it as a kid. They scare […] More
Man Hits Jogging Woman With Truck, Rapes and Buries Her
ARKANSAS HORROR STORY, AS FARMER HITS JOGGING WOMAN, THEN RAPE, THEN BURIAL So here is a real-life monster story. Near Halloween, no less. But the real part makes this equal parts horror, outrage and the inevitable tragedy. You’ll understand why. So the woman pictured above is Sydney Sutherland. She was 25 years old. The man […] More
China Tells Genghis Khan Museum Not to Use Words, Genghis Khan, What?
CHINA GOES ALL IN, SAYS GENGHIS KHAN EXHIBIT CAN’T USE THE WORDS, GENGHIS KHAN So, have you ever heard of Genghis Khan? Well, of course you have. He created an empire, you may know it as the Mongol Horde. Khan is a huge piece of history in the East. But politics in China are making […] More
DEA Instructor Calls Black Recruit a Monkey, Makes Monkey Noises
DEA INSTRUCTOR CALLED BLACK TRAINEE A MONKEY, MADE MONKEY NOISES OVER PA SYSTEM So this story is kind a surprise to me. But, really, I shouldn’t be. Things that we thought were our collective norms are clearly not what we thought they were. And with politics in the US these days, that’s increasingly a clear […] More
Expensive, American Made Spy Boat Washed Up on Scottish Isle
PRICEY, AMERICAN MADE SPY BOAT WASHES ASHORE ON REMOTE SCOTTISH ISLE So this is more than casually odd. I had no idea, but there are unmanned spy ships sailing the high seas. But one of these automated vessels washed up on the shore of a Scottish isle recently. Its model name is the Wave Glider. […] More
Library Staffer in Austin Stole $1.5 Million in Printer Toner
LIBRARY STAFFER MADE OFF WITH OVER $1.5 MILLION WORTH OF PRINTER TONER OVER SEVERAL YEARS So I hate printer toner. But I hate paying for them even more. Why? Because they are profit pigs that make breakfast cereal in the 1980’s look skinny. Hmm. Maybe that’s hard to follow. But you probably already know what […] More
White Man Wore Blackface Disguise, Fake Beard to Murder His Wife
WHITE HUSBAND MURDERS HIS WIFE WEARING A BLACKFACE AND FAKE BEARD DISGUISE So crime is often disgusting. But this one takes it to new levels. First of all, murder is a heinous crime. There’s no other way to see it. And when you kill your spouse, it’s all the more so. Especially when you premeditate […] More
New Hampshire Man Kills Wife’s Lover, Makes Her Behead Him
CUCKOLD HUSBAND KILL’S WIFE’S LOVER, FORCES HER TO CUT OFF HIS HEAD So this is some Old Testament kind of stuff. Totally horrifying. The Sixth Commandment is all about how we’re not supposed to commit adultery. For you innocents or agnostic out there, that means don’t cheat on your spouse. But one woman and her […] More
Covid-19 Kills 10,000 Minks in the State of Utah
SCARY, UTAH MINK FARMS HAVE LOST 10,000 OF THEM TO COVID-19 So Covid-19 is killing more things than we knew. Recent news out of Utah is a little disturbing in an entirely new way. If you didn’t already know (I didn’t) there are a lot of mink farms in Utah. But recently, they’ve been having […] More
Catholic Priest Under Arrest for Threesome Sex on Altar
PRIEST, TWO HOT LADIES UNDER ARREST FOR THREESOME SEX ON HIS CHURCH’S ALTAR So what the hell is up with this story? I’m is totally confusing. And it’s exciting. I mean, look at this situation. First off, we’re talking about a Catholic priest getting it on. Second, we’re talking about a Catholic priest getting it […] More
Hairy, Poisonous Puss Caterpillars That Will Make You Vomit Invade VA
THE PUSS CATERPILLAR IS INVADING EVER FURTHER NORTH, NOW IN VIRGINIA So Global Warming rears its ugly head again, this time with a species moving ever more north in the United States. Virginia now has a news guest in the wild, and they are not welcome. So they have the name Puss Caterpillars. They look […] More
Pabst Blue Ribbon Now Sells Cannabis Seltzer, Munchies Inevitable
CANNABIS SELTZER? HELL YES! PABST BLUE RIBBON MAKES MAJOR SPLASH FOR BUZZ So the world is an interesting place. Remember your entire life, and your parents lives, and their parents’ lives? Well, maybe not your entire life. But most of it. But for all that time, marijuana was from the devil. Totally illegal, it also […] More
Versace Exec Gets Stop and Frisk for Beverly Hills Jaywalking
BEVERLY HILLS WHILE BLACK, VERSACE EXEC GETS STOP AND FRISK FOR JAYWALKING Ah, lessons the police never want to learn. And, yes, there is again video. Being black in the United States is seriously not fun. It seems totally fair to wonder if your life could end at any given moment. But if you say, […] More
2020 Fat Bear Week Winner is the Bear, 747
THIS YEAR’S WINNING CHAMPION OF FAT BEAR WEEK IS THE GINORMOUS 747 So what the hell is Fat Bear Week? Well, it’s run by Explore.org and has drawn all sorts of nature lovers in recent years. With (almost) everyone staying isolated these days, that has only been more true this year. So Fat Bear Week? […] More
Did Mitch McConnell Just Sucker Trump to Lose Election?
IT LOOKS LIKE MITCH MCCONNELL PLAYED TRUMP AS A SUCKER FOR THE ELECTION So. You may have heard that Donald Trump totally got Covid-19. He was in the hospital, he risked the Secret Service in a drive around for his white supremacist fans, and he’s on drugs, back at the White House. And you likely […] More
She’s Got Legs, the Longest Legs on any Woman in the World
TEXAS TEEN HAS THE LONGEST LEGS OF ANY WOMAN OR TEEN IN THE WORLD So much for short guys having a chance. But to be fair, over 95% of all guys in the world are going to be short next to this young woman. Her name is Maci Currin and she’s only 17 years old. […] More
Donated Parrots Removed From Park For Swearing At Visitors
DONATED PARROTS AT WILDLIFE PARK HAVE TO LEAVE, FOR SWEARING AT VISITORS Polly doesn’t want a cracker. Give Polly a fucking cracker now! So you know, I’ve heard some good jokes about parrots that curse and swear. But I never thought I’d ever be writing about this in real life. So here are the deets. […] More
Dapper Don is Now Covid Don, As President Tests Positive for Covid
DONALD TRUMP TESTS POSITIVE, AS THE DAPPER DON BECOMES THE COVID DON So irony decided it was tired of taking a beating, and so went directly to the White House. Does that sound harsh? Well, maybe so. But if you are related to any of the over 200,000 Americans who have died of Covid, I […] More
Atlanta Strippers Say, Get Your Booty to the Poll
THESE ATLANTA STRIPPERS ARE SERIOUS ABOUT YOU GETTING YOUR BOOTY TO THE POLL So I love puns, I’m just that kind of guy. But this pun came out of nowhere I saw coming. Like, at all. People of all stripes are gearing up for the coming US Presidential Election in November. You know, the next […] More
Hockey Fan Screams Shoot, Then Police Arrive At His Doorstep
HOCKEY FANS SCREAM SHOOT WATCHING THE STANLEY CUP, THEN THE POLICE SHOW UP So remember all those times you were watching a game and said, “shoot, shoot it!” Because I know that I have, more times than I can count. And that’s just watching basketball. There’s that father-in-law character in the movie, Fargo, who just […] More
Some Thoughts on The Shit Show Presidential Debate
SOME THOUGHT ON THE SHIT SHOW DEBATE, INSOMNIA, DESPAIR AND HOPE REGARDLESS So, here goes. The Presidential debate happened. And by happened, I mean the fan is dripping. Because it was a shit show. Hey, even a major TV News anchor said it was just that on live TV. There’s no other way to describe […] More
Manual Found for Nazi Computer, World’s Oldest, the Zuse Z4
MANUAL TO THE WORLD’S OLDEST DIGITAL COMPUTER, THE ZUSE Z4, FOUND So as a tech geek, this story gives me mixed feelings. Because computers are so important today, it’s important to remember their place in history, where they came from and when. But Nazis? This is a piece of techno-geek lore that I just never […] More
Disgusting, Rudy Giuliani’s Company, With No Employees, Scores Fed PPP $$$
HOW DID RUDY GIULIANI’S COMPANY GET A FEDERAL PPP LOAN WITH NO EMPLOYEES? So this won’t sound too complimentary of Rudy Giuliani. As a New Yorker who was in NYC on 9/11, I have some strong opinions about who he really is as a human being. Negative opinions. And pretty much everything he has done […] More
Woman Offers Naked Cleaning Service, and Business is Booming
WOMAN OFFERING NAKED CLEANING SERVICE SAYS HER BUSINESS IS BOOMING So what is this? Well, entrepreneurialism at its most obvious. Younger people today may not know, but back in the day bikini (or even topless!) carwashes were a big thing. And yes, they are still around today. With masks. But what young people definitely do […] More
Disgusting! Police in Vietnam Bust Condom Resale Ring
VIETNAMESE POLICE RAID WAREOUSE, BUST USED CONDOM RESALE RING, DISGUSTING! Sooooo. This is beyond disgusting. This is…. I mean, really. Who in the hell thinks that they can get away with this? Like, I’m just-. Selling used condoms? As new? A condom resale operation? Yuck. YUCK. And this wasn’t a casual operation. Like, this was […] More
Sci-Fi Legend Star Michael Hogan Has GoFundMe For Brain Injury
SCI-FI LEGEND AND BATTLESTAR GALACTICA HERO MICHAEL HOGAN SUFFERS SERIOUS BRAIN INJURY So this is sad and surprising. A veritable sci-fi legend and star of the genre Michael Hogan is in trouble. Why sad? Well, because he’s one of the good ones. And surprising? Well, it’s a little shocking to see that an actor with […] More
340 Pounds Gone After Christopher Stanley Quit Using Drugs
CHRISTOPHER STANLEY CHANGED HIS LIFE, QUIT USING DRUGS AND LOST 340 POUNDS So just look at those two pictures, side by side. That’s what can happen when you change your life. But sure, the after picture is disturbing in its own way. Yet to stay real, that is just cosmetic and doctors can fix that […] More
Orcas! Pod Near Spain Attacking, Ramming Local Boats
POD OF KILLER WHALES, AKA ORCAS, ARE WEIRDLY ATTACKING AND RAMMING BOATS NEAR SPAIN So this is like it’s out of some movie, straight-to-video on late-night television no-one is watching. Well, actually there was a movie, Orca. Over 40 years ago…. A character played by Richard Harris killed a Killer Whale and its unborn calf. […] More
In Indonesia, Anti-Maskers Have to Dig Graves for Covid Dead
ANTI-MASKERS IN INDONESIA HAVE TO DIG GRAVES FOR THE COVID DEAD, MANUAL-LABOR EDUCATION So there must be a special place in hell for those who deny the reality that Covid exists, and is killing people. Because it is real. And anti-maskers may enjoy their moments of rage that they put on public display. You know, […] More
School Suspends Black Disabled Teen for Toy Gun in Virtual Class
COLORADO SCHOOL SUSPENDS BLACK CHILD FOR HAVING OBVIOUSLY TOY GUN IN VIRTUAL CLASS Tone deaf. Or, in this case, skin tone deaf, too. There’s really no other explanation all around. So as you may already know, over a billion children around the world are in school virtually. If you’re a parent, you are way, way […] More
RAND Says The Richest Americans Taking More Than We Thought
NEW RAND CORPORATION STUDY PROVES THE RICHEST AMERICANS ARE RAKING IT IN, INCLUDING OURS So wealth distribution. Even if you don’t know the phrase, it impacts your life in huge ways. Today, in America, people already know that they have less than they used to. They definitely have less than their parents did. And we […] More
Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Dying Wish Was A New President to Replace Her
RUTH BADER GINSBURG HAS DIED, AND HER DYING WISH IS FOR ANYONE BUT TRUMP TO REPLACE HER So Ruth Bader Ginsburg has died. The 87-year-old US Supreme Court Justice held onto life as long as she could. But finally succumbed to pancreatic cancer on the eve of Rosh Hashanah. In the Jewish tradition, one who […] More
BATS!!!! Arizona Weather Radar Shows Huge Cloud of BATS!!!
ARIZONA WEATHER RADAR FINDS NOT CLOUDS, BUT BATS, BATS, BATS!!! Some people love bats. But not many. Most people think they’re totally disgusting, creepy and duck for cover at first sight. My father was, and is, terrified of them. A lot of people are. A good friend loves him some Batman. But a real bat […] More
First in 175 Years! Scientific American Endorses Joe Biden Over Trump
FOR THE 1ST TIME IN 175 YEARS, SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN ENDORSES FOR POTUS So you’ve of course heard of Scientific American. What, you haven’t? Well, it’s been around for a long, long, time. Just look at the words. Scientific and American. It’s a journal of science, and it’s all American. And it’s never, ever been partisan, […] More
Fundraiser To Make DildoDon a Permanent Art Installation
DILDODON IS A PORTRAIT OF TRUMP USING DILDOS AND BUTT PLUGS, REALLY! So what’s in a name? If you think about it just a little bit, you will likely get some idea about what DildoDon means. First, you have the word dildo. You know what that is, even if you swear to your dying day […] More
US Navy Squares Ban All Hemp Products, Including Shampoo
US NAVY BRASS SQUARES BAN HEMP PRODUCTS LIKE SHAMPOO AND MOISTURIZER? WTF So what the hell? Is the US Navy led by the ghost of Nancy Reagan? Just say no, then go, to hell? So what happened is, the US Navy just issued an official ban on pretty much everything that contains hemp or cannabidiol. […] More
Beguiling Bombshell Diana Rigg Passes Away From Cancer, Age 82
PENULTIMATE BOND GIRL, GAME OF THRONES MATRIARCH, ACTRESS DIANA RIGG PASSES AWAY So I really, really was a big fan of the beguiling Diana Rigg. In sad news, she has passed away at the age of 82 years. If you’re over 40, you definitely know her from her roles as THE Bond girl and Emma […] More
Acetaminophen, aka Tylenol, Makes People Engage in Risky Behavior
ACETAMINOPHEN PILLS LIKE TYLENOL CAN MAKE YOU TAKE EXTRA RISKY CHOICES So this is crazy weird. If you are one of those people who pops a lot of over the counter pain pills, pay attention. Well, or if anyone you know does and seems a little bit too adventurous and likes risky fun. A recent […] More
Predator Alert! Tennessee Has a Tiger On the Loose Problem
PREDATOR ALERT! AUTHORITIES ON THE HUNT FOR TIGER ON THE LOOSE IN TENNESSEE So I’m not sure that there are many predators as dangerous as the Tiger. Big cats are all very powerful and dangerous. But the tiger is BIG, and is an ambush predator. So much so, that people who have to work in […] More
28 Years of Birthday Macallan Whisky Sells as Collection, Enough to Buy House
28 YEARS OF BIRTHDAY MACALLAN WHISKY ENOUGH FOR MAN TO BUY A HOUSE TODAY So I love single malt whisky. Why? Because the wine of liquors is simply amazing. So much taste, so much flavor, each one totally distinct. But there’s a problem, the older really good ones tend to cost a pretty damn penny […] More
Priests on Floating Tiki Bar Save Man From Lake George Drowning
MAN DROWNING IN LAKE GEORGE SAVED BY PRIESTS ON DRY, FLOATING TIKI BAR So I know a lot of people who’ve been to Lake George. It’s supposed to be a blast, one of those classic summer escapes. Maybe I’ll try a visit myself some time. But I hope to avoid anything like this happening to […] More
4 Foot Long Snake Slithered Down Woman’s Throat While She Slept
WOMAN IN RUSSIA GOES TO SLEEP, WAKES IN PAIN, DOCTORS FIND 4-FOOT-LONG SNAKE IN HER STOMACH, WHAT!? So what the hell? I now have another thing to be afraid of? And the list is long, believe me. But the order will change, as this shit is so disturbing its Survey Says will put in in […] More
Dr. Dre Faces Insane Divorce, As Wife Demands $2M Per Month Support
DR. DRE FACES DIVORCE NIGHTMARE, WITH ESTRANGED WIFE DEMANDS OF $2M A MONTH So no one likes having their personal laundry hanging out in public for everyone to view. Yet that seems to be a spoke on the wheel of celebrity life. And now, Dr. Dre is the latest to suffer this as a debacle […] More
The Batman Production Halts, As Batman Robert Pattinson Gets Covid
THE BATMAN FINALLY RESUMED PRODUCTION AFTER 6 MONTHS, PATTINSON GETS COVID AFTER 3 DAYS So it was really just about a week ago that we saw a teaser for the forthcoming, The Batman. And, it looks pretty decent, what they were willing to show us to date. It’s dark. The designs look amazing. Quire the […] More
Covid and Election Year Angst Makes Demand Boom for Psychics
STRUGGLING WITH ANGST IN A PANDEMIC ELECTION YEAR, PEOPLE ARE TURNING TO PSYCHICS FOR ANSWERS Psychics are pretty weird. I remember when there used to be psychic shows on TV, which were totally scripted. But then again, what’s on TV these days that isn’t? And the days of The Mentalist are long gone. But people […] More
Canadian Brewery Erred, Names Beer “Pubes” by Accident
CANADIAN BREWERY GAVE GREAT, LIGHT BEER THE NAME PUBES BY ACCIDENT Beer is great. Sometimes, the calories aren’t so great. But the beer? Always great. But we’re talking real beer here. Not that stuff Budweiser, Coors, Busch Beer stuff. Sure, they have their place. Ice cold on a hot day when clean water is out […] More
Porn Legend Ron Jeremy Faces 20 Sexual Assault Charges?
PORN STAR RON JEREMY HAS EVEN MORE SEXUAL CHARGES, NOW UP TO 20 So I don’t know if you know who Ron Jeremy is. But if Avenue Q is right, you likely do. Because the internet is for PORN. I happen to know Ron Jeremy because of searching for videos of Christy Canyon. Let’s just […] More
Molka Problem in South Korea, Hidden Cameras Everywhere in Hotels
KOREA HAS A BIG PROBLEM, AND THE MOLKA SCANDAL HAS NO END IN SIGHT YET So I don’t know if you were thinking of going to Korea. But if you are, this is a bit of a mood killer. And that’s a massive understatement. There’s this thing with the name Molka. It’s such a problem […] More
Peanut Butter Breakfast Makes You Bedroom Wizard
PEANUT BUTTER FOR BREAKFAST INCREASES PASSION, MAKES YOU A BEDROOM WIZARD So I used to start most mornings with peanut butter toast. Why? Well, I liked peanut butter, for one. And toast is nice and easy. If you toast your bread just right, it’s a little crunchy. And if you get the peanut butter on […] More
New Covid Symptom Alert: Big Balls, Less Fertility in Men
ACHING, BIG BALLS THE LATEST COVID SYMPTOM, ALSO MAY KILL FERTILITY So here’s even more news to lose sleep over. Covid, Coronavirus, whatever the hell you call it, has caused all sorts of scary symptoms all over the world. Neurological damage, organ failure, exhaustion, loss of smell, chills, etc. etc. etc. And now? Well, we’ve […] More
Switzerland Had Chocolate Rain After Factory Accident
BECAUSE OF A FACTORY ACCIDENT, A SWISS TOWN EXPERIENCED CHOCOLATE RAIN? So the world is a weird and wonderful place. Sometimes it’s even kind of fun, like chocolate rain. Well, in this case, so long as you don’t have to clean up. This story comes from Olten, Switzerland. There’s a chocolate factory there. But no […] More
Gun Fans Love Man Who Shot Himself in the Balls
GUN FANS REDEFINE GUN NUTS AFTER MAN SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE BALLS, BECOMES THEIR HERO So people who love guns can seem to be a little strange. But some, fairly, call them gun nuts. For a wide range of different reasons, no less. But this wasn’t a reason I would ever have imagined. And now, […] More
So Exactly How Much is a Buttload, Really? It’s a Lot
HOW MUCH IS A BUTTLOAD? WELL, THERE’S AN EXACT AND REAL ANSWER, IT’S A REAL WORD! So how much did that cost? A Buttload? Wow! That’s a lot! But how much, exactly? It’s always just seemed to be… a lot. But like so much with language, sometimes so much is just slang. But sometimes it’s […] More
Sneaky Burglars Steal 1 Million Yen From Ninja Museum
SNEAKY THIEVES STEAL OVER 1 MILLION YEN IN 3 MINUTES FROM NINJA MUSEUM So first off, there’s a ninja museum? That’s really cool. It is, of course, in Japan. In Iga city in the Mie prefecture, to be precise. Because that’s where the Iga Ninja Clan originated. It’s located in a remote forest area. But […] More
A New Beastmaster in the Works as Original Master Lost
REMEMBER THE BEASTMASTER? ANOTHER IS ON THE WAY, BUT THE ORIGINAL MASTER REELS ARE LOST So with kids these days, they probably have never heard of the movie Beastmaster. It came out in 1982 which is, looking back, a long ass time ago. But way back then, if you were a kid like I was, […] More
CDC Warns Stores, Don’t Confront Crazy Anti-Maskers
SAD DAY WHEN THE CDC HAS TO WARN STORES NOT TO CONFRONT ANTI-MASKERS So this is where we are? Well, I suppose it is. The RNC is happening right now, after all. Historians will note it as the most deceit-filled celebration ever in American politics. The Hatch Act? Forget about it. Racist? You bet. Anti-science? […] More
Michigan At Last to Pay Flint Survivors $600 Million For Poisoned Water
FLINT, MICHIGAN RESIDENTS START GETTING JUSTICE WITH $600 MILLION PAYOUT So this is new news about an old scandal. Remember Flint, Michigan? You know, the town that suffered an insane amount of lead poisoning from their water? Well, it’s back in the news again. But this time, it spells out some justice at long last. […] More
Florida to Release 750 Million Mosquitos to Combat…. Mosquitos
FLORIDA TO RELEASE 750 MILLION MOSQUITOS TO KILL DANGEROUS MOSQUITOS Mosquitos totally suck. Literally. And as it’s the summer season, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Well, if you don’t live in an arid location, that is. But mosquitos are all over the world, especially wet places like Florida. Just think of all those […] More
Empowered Women Post Topless Nature Colorado Pics
WOMEN TAKING TOPLESS PICS IN COLORADO NATURE, POSTING THIM IN CELEBRATION ON SOCIAL MEDIA So a lot of people don’t seem to be getting this. Sure, the breast is still a controversial object. But that’s just the thing. It’s not an object. But many can’t be objective about them. But for many women, they are […] More
As Season 4 of Stranger Things Wraps, Season 5 Confirmed!
CONFIRMED! STRANGER THINGS WILL DEFINITELY HAVE A SEASON 5 AS SEASON 4 WRAPS So we are inundated with media and shows like never before. Does that dilute quality? Maybe. Definitely, when it comes to the news. But some shows stand out as fantastic fun. And if you’ve already watched any of Stranger Things, you know […] More
Nepal Celebrates First Ever Rare, Godlike Gold Turtle
NEPAL FINDS THEIR FIRST EVER GOLD TURTLE, WHICH MANY WORSHIP AS A GOD So we all have to come out of our shells sometime. And people in Nepal are certainly doing that in celebration. But as this is all new to me, I’ll reasonably assume it is for you, too. A gold turtle is a […] More
Man Wraps Neighbor’s Car in Plastic for Stealing Parking Spot
BRILLIANT REVENGE PRANK AS MAN WRAPS CAR IN PLASTIC WRAP IN HIS PARKING SPOT So have you ever heard the saying, revenge is a dish best served cold? It’s a good one, and it certainly has its place and time. But how about wrapped revenge? Now, I have to offer a disclaimer here. I have […] More
Dipshit Sues Online Date for $150,000 For Getting Herpes Kiss
DIPSHIT SUES ONLINE DATE FOR ALLEGEDLY GIVING HIM HERPES SIMPLEX COLD SORES I don’t like dipshits. Even though this might have made me one, too. What’s a dipshit? Well, I’m about to explain that to you. Because this is the perfect example of one. His name is Martin Conway. He’s a personal trainer and went […] More
Yale Welcomes Back Students, Warns Then They Will Face Death
HONEST YALE ADMINISTRATOR WARNS STUDENTS THEY WILL FACE DEATH THIS FALL So I’ve got a friend whose kid is starting college this fall. I’m so glad my own brood are still too young. First, they lose out on their high school graduation and proms. Then, they “go” to college in the fall? With Coronavirus? I’d […] More
Canadian Province Recommends Glory Hole For Safe Covid Sex
WOW! BRITISH COLUMBIA SAYS A GLORY HOLE IS A GREAT, SAFE WAY FOR COVID ERA SEX! Canada sometimes feels so close, yet so far away. I’m sure people who wanted to avoid the Viet Nam draft felt the same way. But this time, it’s a virtual, cultural(?), dissonance. So yes, the Covid pandemic has made […] More
WTF? Husband Commits Suicide For No Sex, Police Arrest Wife?
POLICE ARREST WIFE AFTER HUSBAND COMMITS SUICIDE FOR NO SEX LIFE AT ALL Marriage can be challenging. If you’re married, or ever have been, you know this is true. It’s called life. Well, married life. But sometimes it’s more than a challenge. Sometimes, it’s deadly, usually by murder. But marital neglect has a big impact, […] More
Buck Naked German Man Chases Wild Boar For Laptop Computer
WILD BOAR MOMMA MAKES OFF WITH LAPTOP BAG, BUCK NAKED GERMAN MAN RUNS IN PURSUIT So naturists are interesting people. And it’s more popular than prudes like us Americans have any clue of. Evidently, there’s a lot to experiencing the world buck naked. I must say being naked in a hot tub next to the […] More
BP Worker Wins Big After Downfall Nazi Parody Dismissal
DOWNFALL PARODY GETS BP WORKER FIRED, BUT HE WINS BIG, GETS THE LAST LAUGH So have you ever heard about the Downfall parodies? No? Well, Downfall is the name from a 2004 movie where there’s a now famous scene of Hitler losing his shit. It really is quite the scene. But so much so, that […] More
The Bigger the Porn Diet, The Smaller the Erection
STUDY REVEALS THE TRUTH, YOUR BIG PORN DIET MAKES FOR ONE SMALL ERECTION Well, this comes as a complete surprise. No, really. And, well, I don’t mean that surprise in any particular personal way, either. A new study has given up the goods on the bads that porn does down there. It seems that the […] More
New Video Shows Police Handcuff Special Needs 8-Year-Old Boy
POLICE ARREST 8-YEAR-OLD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS AFTER SUBSTITUTE TEACHER SCREWS THE POOCH So much to say here. But outrage can’t fit onto the largest canvas, even here. So this is new news on an old arrest. In 2018, police arrested an 8-year-old boy with special needs. Did he kill someone? No. Did he have a […] More
People Donating Their Hair to Clean Up Mauritius Oil Spill
LOCALS IN MAURITIUS USING HUMAN HAIR DONATIONS TO CLEAN UP MASSIVE OIL SPILL So this is interesting, if disappointing news. There is a massive oil spill happening in Mauritius. If you don’t know it, it’s in the Indian Ocean. It has beautiful beaches, amazing fishing and protected wetlands. And there’s a huge oil spill threatening […] More
Terrified Mike Tyson Puts Shark to Sleep, Tickling Its Nose
BEFORE GOING BACK IN THE RING, MIKE TYSON GOES UNDERWATER TO PUT SHARK TO SLEEP WITH NOSE TICKLING So Mike Tyson is making a comeback. You may have already heard that news. Geriatric boxing is in vogue these days. I must say, I’m kind of interested. But also will be horrified if any of these […] More
WTF? Tax Dollars Paying for Moderna Covid Vaccine, You’ll Then Buy
TRUMP FUNDING THE MODERNA VACCINE TO GET RE-ELECTED, AND WE’LL PAY FOR IT TWICE So everyone keeps talking about how we need a vaccine for Covid-19. And, maybe we do. Especially since the United States has dropped every ball that every motley fool has ever tried to juggle. Maybe you just heard about that motorcycle […] More
Trump Admin Warns Americans Away From New Zealand “Health Risks”
TRUMP ADMIN WARNS AMERICANS AWAY FROM NEW ZEALAND OVER NON-EXISTENT HEATLH RISKS So when you have a baby in his dotage as President of the United States, you can see some wacky, petty stuff. And it certainly seems to be that way now. Because when it comes to Donald Trump, there is no bar. It’s […] More
Meet Big Daddy, The Murderous Croc Reformed by Marriage
AFRICA’S OLDEST CROC WAS THE TANA TERROR BEFORE MARRIAGE, NOW HE’S THE BIG DADDY So I used to know a guy who referred to himself as Big Daddy. He was fun to hang around with. But I don’t think anything could happen where you would ever call him reformed. Like, ever. But marriage changes a […] More
Georgia Principal Suspends Student For Posting Mask-less High School Crowd
GEORGIA STUDENT POSTS PIC EXPOSING MASK-LESS COVID NIGHTMARE SCENARIO, PRINCIPAL SUSPENDS HER So maybe you’ve already seen this photo? It’s of a lot of students at the North Paulding High School in Dallas, Georgia. Those students are packed into there, as you can see. Most of the students are mask-less. It’s just the first day […] More
Woman Reports Employee John Amaechi For Using Term “Karen,” But He’s the CEO
WOMAN COMPLAINS OF SEXIST TWEET ON TWITTER OF COMPANY EMPLOYEE, NOT KNOWING HE’S THE CEO So people are all over the place these days. As you know, “Karen” is a term people apply to white women who suffer from a large dose of white entitlement. Well, or outright racism, as we’ve seen too much of […] More
Leech Goes in Man’s Penis, Drinks A Liter of His Blood
HORROR STORY AS OLDER MAN GET LEECH IN HIS PENIS WHILE GOING FOR A SWIM IN CAMBODIA So my first reaction to this is, oh, hell no. No way. Ever. I don’t even want to think about this. But here goes. You have heard all sorts of nightmare stories about things that can happen to […] More
Hartford Sovereign Citizen Cuts Off Landlord’s Head When Told to Get Out
TENANT, SOVEREIGN CITIZEN, CUTS OFF LANDLORD’S HEAD WHEN TOLD TO GET OUT So have you ever heard the expression, that’s nothing to lose your head over? Well, this is no different. But, a different, literal, outcome. Have you ever heard of the term, “sovereign citizen?” No? Well, someone who considers themselves a sovereign citizen believes […] More
Cab Driver Serial Killer Fed 50 Bodies to Crocodiles, Sold Their Cars
SERIAL KILLER MURDERED OVER 100 CABBIES, FED THEIR BODIES TO CROCODILES So this is rather frightening, if you are a taxi driver. Well, or maybe it’s just frightening, period. A doctor in India had a side gig the likes of which you would never imagine. He killed cab drivers. Like, more than 50 cab drivers. […] More
UK Gov to Invest in Lady Friendly Sex-Party Company, Killing Kittens
UK INVESTS IN SEX-PARTY STARTUP, KILLING KITTENS, TO SURVIVE PANDEMIC MARKET So this is pretty interesting. I remember the days when people on dating apps were kind of odd. Maybe they were just desperate? But that is ancient history now. Everything is online these days. Even services that help organize a sex-party for interested…. parties. […] More
Did Trump and Kodak Just Enjoy Insider Trading Via US Tax Dollars?
DID U.S. TAX DOLLARS FACILITATE INSIDER TRADING FOR KODAK WITH GOVERNMENT LOAN? So this stinks to high heaven all the way down to perdition’s flames. The United States sometimes gives out loans to companies to facilitate the products to satisfy the public need. And that’s totally fine. The pandemic has created a LOT of need […] More
UK Police Respond to Panther On the Loose, But It’s a Giant Plushie
ENGLISH COPS RESPOND TO CALL OF PROWLING PANTHER, BUT IT TURNS OUT TO BE A GIANT PLUSHIE So cops are getting a lot of bad press of late, and a lot of it is deserved. But despite that, I’d hate to be a cop. Police have to respond to some seriously scary stuff. And this […] More
Trump Doctor Believes in Demon Sperm, Alien DNA, Hydroxychloroquine
TRUMP NUT DOCTOR BELIEVES IN HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, DEMON SPERM AND ALIEN DNA So no doubt you’ve heard the latest brouhaha about Donald Trump and his retweeting. But of course it’s impossible to keep up with Trump on social media. I mean, the guy tweets more than middle school kids, these days even! But some Trump tweets […] More
Vegan Health Nut Drinks Semen Shakes to Beat Back Covid
VEGAN BODYBUILDER SWEARS DRINKING SEMEN SHAKES IS PROTECTION FROM COVID So I’ve heard a lot of stories about the healing power of semen. Well, especially for skin, anyway. I’ve read a ton of testimonials about how good it is for a face. A facial, if you prefer. But I’ve even heard this from women in […] More
Barcelona Seizes Apartments From Landlords Who Won’t Rent Them
BARCELONA ABOUT TO SEIZE EMPTY APARTMENTS FROM LANDLORDS FOR HALF MARKET VALUE So this is interesting. I’m familiar with the term eminent domain. That’s what happens when the government seizes property for necessary public use. And I think that is dicey, as it often is used for profit more than the public interest. But what’s […] More
Who You Gonna Call? A Paranormal Helpline in India
INDIA HAS A PARANORMAL HELPLINE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE “SEEING” THINGS THEY CAN CALL So like all movies, we’ll have to wait a little longer for the new Ghostbusters movie to come out. But, most of us don’t feel comfortable to come out, either. Thanks a lot, Covid! But some people are feeling the walls […] More
Coronavirus Fails to Cancel Texas Testicle Festival 2020
COVID AIN’T CANCELLING THE TEXAS TESTICLE FESTIVAL IN THE PANDEMIC YEAR, 2020 So have you ever been to a ball? Ok, cheap shot. Or, maybe, it just came too early. Premature…. Humor. But yes, the title did not lie. There is a Texas Testicle Festival in the year 2020. And somehow, the Coronavirus failed to […] More
Italian Cops Find Shipment of Coffee Beans Filled With Cocaine
ITALIAN POLICE INTERCEPT COCAINE IN COFFEE BEANS, THANKS TO MOVIE REFERENCES So Italian police made a pretty nice drug haul, thanks to some pulp knowledgeable officers. They found a shipment of coffee beans with cocaine in them. Pretty clever, really. But this takes me back to Beverly Hills Cop. The first one, of course. As […] More
Calabria, Italy Town Selling Homes For 1 Single Euro, With a Catch
YOU CAN NOW BUY A HOUSE IN CALABRIA, ITALY, FOR THE AMAZING PRIZE OF ONE EURO, WITH A CATCH So we’ve had a few stories hit the wires like this. But this one just might be a keeper. There’s a town in Italy that is desperate for some new people to live there. So desperate, […] More
26-Year-Old Russian Sexologist Found Dead on Bed, Naked
YOUNG, HOT RUSSIAN SEXOLOGIST FOUND DEAD, NAKED ON HOTEL ROOM BED So this is weird. A sexologist and Russian celebrity is dead, and it’s a bit of a mystery. Her name is Anna Ambartsumyan. The young and married woman was quite well known, so police are sure to take the investigation pretty seriously. You know, […] More
Police Raid Sex Cult, Run By 77-Year-Old Called The Doctor
ITALIAN POLICE RAID SEX CULT RUN BY OLD MAN MEMBER CALLED THE DOCTOR So cults clearly exist all over the world. And cults almost always involve sex as a power dynamic. But a sex cult is all about the sex as a tool of power. But this one has been around for some time without […] More
Masked Thief Breaks Penal Code, Steals 40lb Dildo, Moby
IN LAS VEGASS, MASKED THIEF MAKES OFF WITH GIANT DILDO, MOBY So what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Except when it comes to a massive, 40lb dildo, anyway. A masked thief made quite the heist this week, an over the shoulder dildo holder, in fact. Come again, you ask? No, it’s a fact. The […] More
Southampton Eatery Burns Epstein and Weinstein’s Regular Table
SOUTHAMPTON EATERY OWNER CONDUCTS EXORCISM ON REGULAR TABLE OF EPSTEIN AND WEINSTEIN So the Jeffrey Epstein and Harvey Weinstein scandals are still percolating. But I expect we’ll hear more about Epstein in the coming months, assuming Ghislaine Maxwell lives long enough to spill the beans for a deal. But both sexual predator fiends were major […] More
Naked Athena Bares All to Feds in Portland, Feds Shoot Pepper Balls at Her Feet
NAKED ATHENA BARES ALL IN DISPLAY OF FEMININE POWER IN THE FACE OF THUGGISH FEDS So the situation in Portland, Oregon is now on everyone’s radar. Anonymous federal agents are now acting as agent provocateurs, making things much worse. Just as the protests were dying down, Trump sent them in. And the results so far […] More
Trump Sends in Feds, Grabbing People Off the Street in Portland
FEDERAL AGENTS ARE GRABBING PEOPLE OFF THE STREETS IN PORTLAND, OREGON So this is big, bad and dangerous news. Earlier this week, things in Portland, Oregon got a LOT darker. Yes, Portland is one of many cities where there are still protests happening as a result of George Floyd’s death at the hands of Minneapolis […] More
Georgia Cops Respond to Body On Tracks, But It’s a Sex Doll
GEORGIA COPS RESPOND TO REPORT OF BODY NEAR TRAIN TRACKS, BUT IT’S A SEX DOLL So Georgia is a mess these days. You may have heard the governor there banned any bans on face masks. So it’s a dicey situation there. But Georgia cops got taken for a ride earlier this week. And last I […] More
Bored With Covid Closeting? Visit Ramesses VI Tomb in 3D Virtual Tour
TRAPPED AT HOME BECAUSE COVID? VISIT THE TOMB OF EGYPTIAN PHARAOH, RAMESSES VI So I’m lucky enough to still be working from home. And yes, it has its challenges. More than a few. But some days, I just want to take a break from the realities I find with the walls and windows around me. […] More
Minneapolis Cops Used Drones to Spy on People on Nude Beach
MINNEAPOLIS COPS SEND IN DRONES TO SPY ON PEOPLE FOR BEING NUDE AT LOCAL BEACH So there’s a lot going on with the Minneapolis police in recent times. Surely, you’ve heard. And a lot of people want to defund the police department and start over from scratch. And this story may increase that idea. I […] More
US Navy Finally Boasts First Black, Female Fighter Pilot Like, Ever
MADELINE SWEGLE JUST BECAME THE FIRST BLACK, FEMALE US NAVAL FIGHTER PILOT, EVER Her name is Madeline Swegle and she’s awesome. Well, she’s now a major figure in American history, too. As you can see, Madeline is black and a woman. But she’s also now the very first fighter pilot in the US Navy, ever. […] More
Woman Divorces Husband, Then Marries Stepson, 20 Years Old
SHE MARRIES THE STEPSON SHE RAISED RIGHT AFTER DIVORCING HIS FATHER So the ick factor here is… extremely high. Ick. ICK. But I can’t comment on true love, as it is the free range of poets and unrequited dreamers. Well, and the Princess Bride, of course. But some relationships simply mystify me. Others, I find […] More
Great White Sharks in New York & New Jersey Waters, More to Come
GREAT WHITE SHARKS ARE NEAR NEW YORK AND THE JERSEY SHORE, AND THEIR FRIENDS ARE COMING TOO So great white sharks have been around the Northeast before. Shoot, they actually are here kind of all the time. But we don’t tend to see them too much near beaches around New York City or the nearby […] More
Police Hunting Local Homeless German Rambo in Black Forest
GERMAN RAMBO IS A REAL THING, WITH MANHUNT IN THE BLACK FOREST NEAR BORDER WITH FRANCE So how can this be happening? I remember seeing the movie Rambo for the first time and it was quite the big deal. Small town hick politics. 80’s continuing rejection of hippy culture. And the incredibly awkward niches only […] More
Damn Fool Michael Cohen Back in Jail, Skips House Arrest for UES Meal
MICHAEL COHEN, A DAMN FOOL, IS BACK IN PRISON FOR GOING TO A RESTAURANT NEAR HOME So Michael Cohen is back in the news. How to you spell damn fool? Well, sure, spoiler alert. But what’s the new spelling for damn fool? Michael Cohen. Little Mikey was President Trump’s personal lawyer. But Trump abandoned Cohen, […] More
NBA in Orlando, A Bubble in An Exploding Bubble as Petrie Dish
NBA SEASON RESUMES AS BUBBLE IN EXPLODING BUBBLE, A PETRIE DISH FOR US TO WATCH So NBA fans already know. The season is set to resume, and fairly soon. Normally, the BVA season would have already ended by now, the post-season included. But not this year. This year, we’re all stuck in the Coronavirus pandemic, […] More
Man Stole 126 Flip-Flops for Shoe Fetish Sex, Major Legal Flop
POLICE ARREST KINKY MAN WITH 126 PAIRS OF STOLEN FLIP-FLOPS HE USED FOR SEX So we all like getting jiggy with it. And by that, I mean we all like getting it on, getting it off, etc. Pretty much everyone needs sexual release. But not everyone finds that release in quite the same ways. And […] More
What Was Up With That Giant Mosquito in Argentina?
MAN IN ARGENTINA POSTS PIC OF GIANT MOSQUITO HIS MOTHER LOST HER MIND OVER, WITH CAUSE So pardon me for being an in-season sorta guy. But now that mosquitos are out and about all over the continental US, this shit just got real (well, from January). I hate mosquitos. Pretty much everyone hates mosquitos. Combine […] More
Presidential Heads Crumble in Virginia Field, Testament of Today
IN A TESTAMENT OF TODAY’S REALITY, 43 PRESIDENTIAL HEADS SLOWLY CRUMBLE IN A VIRGINIA FIELD So much is going wrong these days in the United States. Just as we finally enter a phase of addressing our history of slavery, we also have a pandemic that reaches far into our future. And speaking of the foundations […] More
Will Ghislaine Maxwell Live to Tell All the Tales She Knows?
GHISLAINE MAXWELL HAS SOME TALES TO TELL, BUT WILL SHE LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO? Ghislaine Maxwell. Her name is a pain to pronounce. But that is nothing compared to the pain coming to many of the world’s rich and famous if she tells all the tales she knows. Just think about it! Ghislaine faces multiple […] More
Doctor Declared Woman Dead, Then She Wakes Up in a Body Bag
DOCTOR DECLARES PARAGUAY WOMAN DEAD, BUT THEN SHE WAKES UP IN A BODY BAG AT FUNERAL HOME Her name was, and still remains, Gladys Rodriguez Duarte. But why both? Well, because she was dead, so remains is a pun. Except, she wasn’t dead. So her name remains the same. But whatever, right? Gladys is from […] More
Berlin Wants to Ban Deodorant on Mass Transit, Because Covid
BERLIN OFFICIALS TO BAN WEARING DEODORANT ON MASS TRANSIT, BECAUSE COVID So this is definitely in the weird news category. I’ve only been to Berlin once, years ago in the late 1990s. It’s an amazing and interesting city. But as someone who knows New York City pretty well, Berlin struck me as really, really big. […] More
Brilliant Western Soundtrack Composer Ennio Morricone Gone
BRILLIANT ENNIO MORRICONE, COMPOSER OF WESTERN MOVIES, PASSES AWAY AT 91 So you know Ennio Morricone. Really, you do. Have you ever seen a Spaghetti Western? Clint Eastwood, hello? Maybe Once Upon a Time in the West? Or Once Upon a Time in America? Yes, they were all directed by the amazing Sergio Leone. But […] More
Beer Binge With No Pee Makes Man’s Bladder Explode
MAN BINGE DRINKS BEER, PASSES OUT, DOESN’T PEE, AND HAD HIS BLADDER EXPLODE So remember that time that you had too much beer to drink? And no, I’m not talking about the morning after. You suddenly remember that you haven’t eaten any fiber for years? But it doesn’t matter? Well, no, that’s not what this […] More
Topless British Woman Saves 3 People from Drowning in Cornwall
THREE WERE DROWNING IN CORNWALL, ENGLAND, THEN A TOPLESS WOMAN CAME TO SAVE THEM So I don’t know how else to say it. But the kid in me would have been more than fascinated to see this. As it is, the headline shouldn’t be an attention grabber. But yet, it is. Two sisters and their […] More
Police Seize $1.2 Billion in Amphetamines, Biggest Drug Bust Ever
ITALIANS MAKE RECORD DRUG BUST, $1.2 BILLION IN AMPHETAMINES FROM SYRIA So it looks like we may need to revisit Miami Vice as a show in Salerno, Italy. Because Sonny and Crockett never made a score like this. No one has, till now. But even though drug busts happen every day across the world, the […] More
1792 Virginia Law Against Swearing Finally Repealed in 2020
VIRGINIA COMMONWEALTH LAW FROM 1792 AGAINST SWEARING FINALLY OFF THE BOOKS AT LAST So laws in the United States can be pretty damn weird. As you know, different states have different laws on the books. And some of them are old, outdated and maybe even outright stupid. Every year, we hear about laws that state […] More
Johnny Depp Ordered Drugs, So Was He A Domestic Abuser Too?
IF JOHNNY DEPP HID TEXTS ORDERING COCAINE AND ECSTASY, IS HE HIDING BEING A WIFE BEATER, TOO? So Johnny Depp is in the news again. And no, it’s not about the next installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean series. Though, I must say I’m excited to hear about a certain blond actress. Anyway, Johnny […] More
See the Face of Man’s Skull, Mounted on a Stake 8,000 Years Ago
WE CAN NOW SEE THE FACE OF A MAN WHOSE SKULL WAS ON A STAKE 8,000 YEARS AGO So this is kind of crazy. There’s a saying about putting a face on things. But this time, it’s a little mind blowing. That man in the picture above was a real person, 8,000 years ago. And […] More
Swinger Sex Festival Won’t Happen, Because Coronavirus
CORONAVIRUS CANCELS HUGE SEX FESTIVAL FOR SWINGERS IN ENGLAND So I’m not part of the swinger scene. Wait, what? You don’t know what that is? Let’s just say, you’re married. But you swing. So if you went to a swingers’ party, you’d be up for having sex with someone who’s not your spouse or partner. […] More
Poor Sap Buys Gorgeous Lamborghini, Crashes 20 Minutes Later
AFTER FALLING IN LOVE WITH NEW LAMBORGHINI, POOR SAP CRASHES CAR AFTER JUST 20 MINUTES So nice cars are, well, nice cars. There’s nothing like the smell of a new car. That’s why they sell it in a can. But a luxury speedster? I’ve never been in one as nice as a brand new Lamborghini. […] More
Coke Cock: Police Arrest Man Smuggling Cocaine in Fake Penis
IDIOT TRIES TO SMUGGLE COCAINE IN A FAKE PENIS, POLICE GIVE HIM A COKE COCK BLOCK So this, it seems, is a story about a real life coke cock block. That’s right, a penis with cocaine inside of it. Well, a fake penis, to be fair. That would be one epic blow job, amirite? So […] More
Durian Fruit Strikes Again, Evacuating Post Office in Bavaria
POST OFFICE IN BAVARIA THE LATEST VICTIM OF THE DURIAN FRUIT, WITH PANIC AND EVACUATION So do you know the durian fruit? It’s quite the little stinker. And it’s caused havoc from time to time in a lot of places. And now, we can add Bavaria to that list! Well, Bavaria is in Germany. Regardless, […] More
Jaws Mayor is a Character All Over Covid United States
MAYOR CHARACTER FROM JAWS IS PRESENT ALL OVER THE UNITED STATES WITH COVID So have you ever seen the Movie, Jaws? It was an early Spielberg flick with great actors and a scary ass prop, a great white shark terrorizing a northeastern island. And that island, of course, had a mayor character. But the reality […] More
Neo-Nazi Satanist US Army Soldier to Attack Own Unit
US ARMY PRIATE WORKS WITH NEO-NAZI SATANIST GROUP TO ATTEMPT TERRORIST ATTACK ON HIS OWN UNIT So remember how we used to talk about how domestic terrorists were a real threat to the United States? Well, it seems to still be true. But this time, a member of a terrorist group was also a US […] More
Global Warming Update: Siberia Sees 100 Degree Temps
TOWN IN SIBERIA SEES RECORD TEMPS, OVER 100 DEGREES, GULAG NOT SO DAMN COLD ANYMORE So global warming is still totally happening. Sure, we’ve all got the Coronavirus reality these days, all over the world. And here in the States, that looks to be true longer than we ever imagined. But things like global warming […] More
Secret Passageway Found at United Kingdom’s Parliament
ENGLAND DISCOVERS FORGOTTEN, SECRET PASSAGEWAY IN HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT History is crazy. Sometimes not in a good way. But sometimes, it’s kinda damn fun. And this is definitely one of those times. Pictured above is Lindsay Hoyle, the Speaker of the House in the UK. And what is he doing in a wall? Well, he’s […] More
India Catches Supposed Spy Pigeon From Pakistan
INDIA CAPTURES SUPPOSED SPY PIGEON, INSTANTLY BLAMES PAKISTAN So where to begin? This is a story about a spy pigeon. Yes, a spy pigeon. No, and we’re not talking about an ugly person. A bird. A flying rat, some say. Pretty much the most common bird around most of the world. The bane of Venice, […] More
Get Nipple Rings for Better Sex, and Bigger Orgasms
NIPPLE RINGS CAN IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE, CREATE MUCH BIGGER ORGASMS THAN EVER BEFORE So I remember back when body piercings were seriously unusual. Then, they became pretty much a casual sight. But I’m still a little titillated when it comes to certain body parts with rings in them. But nipple rings? They’re not just […] More
Whoops, Ford Bronco Schedules Release Date, O.J. Simpson’s Bday
NEW FORD BRONCO RELEASE DATE SET FOR JULY 9TH, O.J. SIMPSON’S BIRTHDAY So I never thought I’d be writing about O.J. Simpson. Like, ever. Even just thinking about him makes me mad. Sure, he is likely a murderer and all that. And that’s insurmountable. But I’ll never forget how mad I was trying to watch […] More
Vienna Police Fine Man For Farting at Them, With Intent
MAN FARTS AT MORE THAN GENERAL DIRECTION OF VIENNA POLICE, POLICE FINE MAN So much for policing being a breeze, especially these days. So many things these days are silent, but deadly. You know, the pandemic? But recent news from across the Atlantic Ocean now include police in Vienna assessing a fine for less than […] More
Temptation Gives 16 Friends Covid As Florida Lockdown Ends
16 FRIENDS GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION, HAVE A NIGHT OUT, NOW HAVE CORONAVIRUS So most major religions include themes about how to avoid temptation. Or, rather, how important it is to avoid temptation. And right now, we’re all suffering from temptation. Coronavirus has upended our lives for months now. And the weather is nicer. The […] More
Some Idiot Left $191,000 in Gold Bars on Swiss Train
SWISS AUTHORITIES CONFUSED AS SOMEONE LEFT $191,000 IN GOLD BARS ON A TRAIN Sometimes you feel like you totally missed the boat. But this time, I feel like I missed the train. Big time. Because if I had been on this train, I just might have been the one to discover a bag with $191,000 […] More
Penn. Woman Had Grandma’s Body in Freezer for Social Security Checks
GRANDMA IN FREEZER FOR 15 YEARS SO FAMILY COULD COLLECT SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS So with all the political histrionics about how bad Social Security is, this is worse. Sure, there is fraud on occasion. But certain rightwing voices say it’s minorities and illegal immigrants. So of course, there’s no there, there. But when fraud happens, […] More
John Cleese Wicked Pissed About Removal of Faulty Towers Removal
UKTV REMOVES FAULTY TOWERS EPISODE FOR RACIST LANGUAGE, JOHN CLEESE WICKED PISSED Oh, my. That’s what my grandmother would say. It was always an understatement about something so ridiculous, nothing else would be polite. So about this little racist language situation of an old Faulty Towers episode? Oh, my. But the former Minister of Funny […] More
Man on Train Dies, Absolutely No One Notices for Five Hours
MAN DIES ON ENGLISH TRAIN FROM HEART ATTACK, NO ONE NOTICES FOR FIVE HOURS So this is not the way anyone wants to go. And no, we obviously don’t have any control of that sort of thing. But this is not on my list for how I kick the bucket, fingers crossed. A man in […] More
Lady Boxer Tests Positive For Banned Substance From Having Sex
OLYMPIC HOPEFUL LADY BOXER TESTS POSITIVE FOR BANNED SUBSTANCES FROM HAVING SEX So her name is Ginny Fuchs. She’s a lady and a boxer. She’s also an Olympic hopeful who hopes to medal for the United States. But her dream and commitment almost came to naught. Why? She tested positive for a banned substance. The […] More
Trump’s Space Force Losing Trademark Fight With Space Force on Netflix
TRUMP’S U.S. SPACE FORCE LOSING TRADEMARK FIGHT WITH THE TV SHOW ON NETFLIX So it seems comedy trumps…. Um, Trump. At least when it comes to a trademark fight over the very same name. Now that’s funny. Really, really funny. S I haven’t watched too much of the show, Space Force quite yet. But it’s […] More
Galveston Texas Scene of Twerking, Topless Arrests
KIDS THESE DAYS JUST CAN’T HANDLE A PANDEMIC LIKE THEY USED TO, SO TWERKING TOPLESS ARRESTS ABOUND So this isn’t totally recent news. But it is sadly funny all the same. We’ve all seen footage from somewhere of people not practicing social distancing well,. Or hell, at all for that matter. But some of these […] More
All-Inclusive Orgy Resort Sex Island Opens During Coronavirus
SEX ISLAND RESORT OFFERS PROSTITUTES, ORGIES, AND NO CONDOMS IN SIGHT So clearly hands get tired, especially in a pandemic. But in most of the United States, it’s against the law to get personal help in resting your poor appendage. So to speak. In other words, prostitution is largely illegal everywhere in the US. But […] More
Because Trump , Americans Gargling Bleach, Misting With Disinfectant
THANKS DONALD TRUMP, YOUR “JOKE” HAS AMERICANS GARGLING BLEACH AND MISTING DISINFECTANTS So fear is the mind killer. Well, one of them, anyway. But it is an ageless truth that fear makes people do stupid, even crazy things. And Coronavirus is no exception. Indeed, Covid-19 has opened quite the number of Pandora’s Boxes of late. […] More
Feisty Grandma Jennie Stejna, 103, Beats Covid and Has a Bud Light
JENNIE STEJNA, 103 YEAR OLD GRANDMA, BEATS CORONAVIRUS AND CELEBRATES WITH A BUD LIGHT So Coronavirus is all about the numbers. The younger you are, the better off you are. Especially if you catch it. If you smoke, those numbers are bad. If you have other health problems, bad. Pretty much, you want to be […] More
Because Black People Might Buy Guns, Walmart Finally Removes Them Nationally
WALMART REMOVES GUNS FROM ALL STORES NATIONALLY, JUST AS BLACK PEOPLE MAY BUY THEM So we’ve had how many mass shootings in the United States in the past several years? Well, if you don’t know the answer, it’s because there have been far too many. Like, it’s been epic. But the essentially defunct NRA has […] More
Psychedelic Toad Venom Ritual, Penis Candles, Porn Star and Murder
DON’T EVER SMOKE TOAD VENOM WITH A PORN STAR WHO MAKES PENIS CANDLES, EVER So do you remember that time that you took part in that mystic ritual involving psychedelic toad venom, a porn star and penis candles? Surely not. Because if you could, you’d still be scarred. So you forgot to protect yourself. But […] More
Final U.S. Civil War Pensioner Passes Away at Age 90
THE LAST U.S. CIVIL WAR PENSION RECIPIENT JUST PASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF 90 Her name is Irene Triplett and she was the last person alive directly connected to the Civil War. She just passed away. And no, she wasn’t alive during during the war, of course. But she was the very last person […] More
Pre-Christian Israelites Smoked Cannabis in Ancient Temples
ANCIENT ISRAELITES SMOKED CANNABIS IN 2,700 YEAR OLD TEMPLE, RESEARCHERS PROVE So cannabis keeps coming up in the news. It’s becoming increasingly legal across America. Pot itself in classic joints, vapes of all flavors and varieties, you name it. But we also keep learning more and more how much humans have used cannabis over the […] More
After 75 Day Vermont Retreat, Man Asks, Did I Miss Anything?
MAN TAKES 75 DAY RETREAT IN VERMONT, RETURNS TO THE WORLD AND ASKS IF HE MISSED ANYTHING Wow. This is amazing. I bet this guy felt like the groundhog and wanted to run back to shelter. So he’s 33 years old and his name is Daniel Thorson. Back in March, he checked into a silent […] More
Pat Robertson (!) Slams Trump, Calls for Minnesota Justice
PAT ROBERTSON SLAMS TRUMP, CALLS FOR JUSTICE IN MINNESOTA, TO GET DISTANCE FROM SINKING PREZ? So I don’t like Pat Robertson. Actually, I dislike him a lot. With reason. So I don’t know if a stopped clock is right twice a day or not here. Maybe, what’s happening in the United States since the police […] More
New Covid-Safe Desk Design Could Face Serious Criticism
SMART COVID-SAFE DESK DESIGN COULD HAVE PROBLEMS, LOOKS LIKE SWASTIKA Wow. I’m guessing this is a cultural blind spot. Because any other explanation deserves serious criticism and no forgiveness whatsoever. All you have to do is look a the picture. There just might be a small problem with the design. What, you don’t see it? […] More
Flying Turtle Smashes Thru Car Windshield, Doesn’t Make It
FLYING TURTLE SMASHES THRU CAR’S WINDSHIELD ON SAVANNAH, GEORGIA HIGHWAY Usually, you want to see the disclaimer that no animals were hurt. But this isn’t one of those times. I mean we’re talking about a flying turtle. Yes, a flying turtle. In Savannah, Georgia, no less. A resident and her brother were driving north on […] More
WTF?! LG Poland Goes Upskirt in Latest Cell Phone Ad
HOW THE HELL COULD LG POLAND POST AN AD TOUTING IT’S CELL PHONE AS AN UPSKIRT DEVICE? So sometimes people in advertising make some bad calls. But this kind of takes it to a totally new level. Someone working for LG Poland put together an ad touting how good their new phone is to take […] More
A Lot of Republicans Think Covid Vaccine Will Include Bill Gates Tracking Chips
44% OF REPUBLICANS BELIVE THAT BILL GATES WILL IMPLANT THEM WITH TRACKING CHIPS WITH THE COVID VACCINE So much time, so little time to think about it. I mean, think about it! There’s just so much news during this Coronavirus pandemic. Be afraid of this. Be angry about that. Buy lots of toilet paper. Tracking […] More
To Become Spiderman, 3 Bolivian Brothers Have Black Widow Bite Them
3 BOLIVIAN BROTHERS THOUGHT A BLACK WIDOW BITE WOULD TURN THEM INTO SPIDERMAN So I vaguely remember being a kid and seeing anxious adults looking on. Some adults were so afraid of imaginations, we couldn’t play make believe in front of them. Too dangerous! And while I don’t recall what the game was, it was […] More
Florida Home Doormat Says Get a Warrant, Police Oblige
DRUG DEALERS PUT DOORMAT THAT SAYS, COME BACK WITH A WARRANT, POLICE OBLIGE So Florida continues to be the funniest news generator anywhere. Seriously. This time, it comes from Flagler County. The Sheriff’s Office there received some very helpful advice from a local house. Sure, police get tips all the time. They help quite a […] More
NC Supreme Court Finally Says Middle Finger Not Probable Cause
MIDDLE FINGER TO A NC TROOPER TAKES 3 YEARS, SUPREME COURT TO RESOLVE So I really wish this surprised me. But… no. So I do understand policing is hard work. It’s dangerous. Many people automatically don’t like you. I’ve certainly felt that way sometimes. And I have a lot of friends who are or were […] More
Robbery Case Solved by 6-Year-Old Magnet Fishing, Sunken Lake Safe
LITTLE BOY MAGNET FISHING HAULS IN SUNKEN SAFE FROM COLD CASE ROBBERY So sometimes police need a little help solving their cases. But as we all know, a lot of cases never close. And when it comes to robberies, even if they catch the thieves, the items they stole disappear forever. But not this time! […] More
Freaky! New Lickable Device Lets You Taste Any Flavor
JAPANESE INVENTOR CREATES LICKABLE DEVICE THAT DELIVERS VIRTUALLY ANY FLAVOR So technology continues to surprise! I remember seeing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and that movie delivered some serious fantasy for adults and children alike. But one particular item in that film that still amazed is the everlasting gobstopper. Well, and maybe the lickable […] More
Crazy! Science Proves Penguin Poo is Chock Full of Laughing Gas
NO, REALLY, PENGUIN POO EMITS A SHIT LOAD OF LAUGHING GAS! Sigh. penguin poo? So penguins make me laugh. They’re funny! If you don’t think so, you haven’t seen them in action. They are full of antics. They wobble around on land and are ridiculously cute. But as clumsy as they are on land, they […] More
Livestream This Year’s Summer Solstice At the Ancient Stonehenge
YOU CAN LIVESTREAM THIS YEAR’S SUMMER SOLSTICE IN ENGLAND FROM ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD Summer Solstice is right around the corner. Wait, what? You don’t know what that is? It’s the longest day of the year. In other words, the sun rises at the earliest time, and sets at the latest. It’s the opposite of […] More
Florida Official Removed For Refusing to Censor Coronavirus Numbers
FLORIDA’S CORONAVIRUS DASHBOARD MANAGER FIRED FOR REFUSING TO CENSOR OUTBREAK NUMBERS So color me surprised. Not. A Florida official just lost their job. Why? Because they refused to censor the real numbers of people infected with Covid-19. Really. The fired official was Rebekah Jones. She was the data scientist who managed the virtual, public “dashboard” […] More
Man Knocked Up Step-Daughter, 14, When Partner Went to Hospital
PIECE OF HUMAN TRASH KNOCKED UP 14-YEAR-OLD STEP-DAUGHTER WHEN PARTNER TOOK THEIR SICK BABY TO HOSPITAL So human trash exists everywhere. This time, it’s in Leicester, England. A woman took her sick baby to the hospital for treatment. But while she was there with the sick baby, something horrible happened. Her partner and the father […] More
Cruise Ghost Ship Horror, Infested With Cannibal Rats
MYSTERY, AS RUSSIAN CRUISE SHIP FILLED WITH CANNIBAL RATS MAY STILL BE OUT THERE So here’s some more cruise ship news in the era of Coronavirus. No, it didn’t happen recently. But that’s just part of the story. The cruise ship had the name MV Lyubov Orlova. So if that sounds Russian, that’s because it […] More
8-Week-Old Baby Lula Watches Strongman Vids, Stands
LULA IS A POWER CHILD, WATCHES STRONGMAN VIDS ON YOUTUBE AT 8 WEEKS, STANDS FOR FIRST TIME! So media is a powerful thing. This proves it! Sure, we’re all fully immersed in propaganda these days. How else can you explain how reality doesn’t seem to have a wide audience? And media simply doesn’t help all […] More
Blow-Up Dolls Enforce Social Distancing in South Carolina Restaurant
REOPENED RESTAURANT, OPEN HEARTH, USES BLOW UP DOLLS TO ENFORCE SOCIAL DISTANCING So I’ve heard about all sorts of strange things when it comes to enforcement. Weapons, communications, tools, barriers, sonic devices, barf devices, you name it. But blow up dolls? Nah, they have nothing to do with enforcement. Till, now, anyways. A restaurant in […] More
Apple to Begin Reopening Stores in US, Canada at Last
AFTER 2 MONTHS, APPLE FINALLY REOPENING SOME STORES IN US AND CANADA So I’m actually surprised it took this long. Reopening. Apple certainly isn’t what I would call a necessary thing to have open, like a supermarket or health clinic. But I’ve remained intensely surprised at how the stores have simply been totally… closed. Like, […] More
Brian May, Aging Queen Rock Star, Tears Ass While Gardening
QUEEN ROCK STAR GUITARIST BRIAN MAY TEARS HIS OWN ASS JUST BY GARDENING So I like the band, Queen. They rocked and clearly still do. But aging ain’t easy on anybody, which I am slowly learning myself. But this wasn’t one of the things I thought I had to worry myself with. Tearing my ass. […] More
What, Coronavirus Can Cause Psychosis, Too? What’s Next?
SO THANKS TO CORONAVIRUS, PSYCHOSIS IS ALSO ON THE RISE, BUT DON’T STRESS TOO MUCH ABOUT IT So I’m at a loss to figure out how to understand what this really means. Coronavirus, if nothing else, has caused a degree of confusion that would stagger a bronze statue. And no, I’m not referring to the […] More
Young Jogger Gets Collapsed Lung from Wearing Coronavirus Mask
YOUNG JOGGER RESPONSIBLY WEARS MASK, SUFFER COLLAPSED LUNG AFTER 2.5 MILES Jeez, a collapsed lung? So this lockdown is just rough. And social distancing? It’s mostly challenging because of all the assholes who refuse to take it seriously. But we all still need to exercise, especially outside. This is wearing on everybody. So what’s the […] More
Clever Boston Cop Plays Mating Call to Lure Escaped Peacock
CLEVER BOSTON COP USED MATING CALL TO LURE ESCAPED PEACOCK BACK INTO PROTECTIVE CUSTODY A mating call in Boston? So this kind of makes me miss Boston. But with the lockdown, I’m sure people living in Boston also miss Boston these days. Shoot, I miss just walking down the sidewalk without the extra stress. But […] More
Perfect, Campy Space Opera Flash Gordon Releasing in 4K Resolution
PERFECT CAMPY SPACE OPERA, FLASH GORDON, SOON COMING IN FULL 4K So one of the greatest movies of all time is about to come out, again. And we’re talking about Flash Gordon, of course. If you’re under anything close to a ripe age, you may have no idea about this movie. But there’s no excuse now. […] More
Louisiana Police Hunting Aggressive Chicken, But is On the Lamb
AGGRESSIVE CHICKEN TERRORIZES LOUISIANA BANK CUSTOMERS, BUT IT’S ON THE LAMB So the pandemic situation is hard on all of our public service people on the front line. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be a nurse, fireman or a cop. But it must be a surreal job as a cop, to have […] More