Rob Ford to Leave Rehab and Return to Work Monday. Will Hilarity Ensue?

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Crack-smoking Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto is leaving rehab and returning to work the afternoon of June 30. The Just for Laughs Festival is scheduled to start in Montreal on July 9, which means the comedians there will have a week and a half of fresh material. Coincidence? Or is Comus, the god of comedy, secretly Canadian?

There is, of course, nothing funny about a man trapped in addiction, and I for one am glad Ford went to rehab where I hope he got the help he needs to clean himself up. Still, you have to admit that a law-and-order politician who said he doesn’t remember smoking crack because he was blind drunk is begging for mockery.

In his absence, late-night comedians have been missing a major source of material. I have to applaud his family for trying to fill in, however. The mayor’s sister, Kathy Ford, made a brief appearance in court on June 23. She claims she served 25 hours of community service, and apparently, others disagree. And why did she have to perform such service? The Toronto Star says, “Two years ago, Kathy Ford was convicted of theft for stealing a quantity of toothbrushes from a Zellers store.”

Stealing toothbrushes — from Zellers, a chain that went away when Target Canada bought it. Nice try, Kathy, but we aren’t talking too drunk to remember the crack pipe. Maybe if you were naked when you stole the brushes in question, but even then …

Not only is Mayor Rob coming back, he’s coming back to try for re-election. Comus be praised, but this is going to be sweet.

Second City Training Centre on Peter Street in Toronto has held auditions for “Rob Ford the Musical: The Birth of a Ford Nation.” Neil “Slurpy” Sarel is a dead-ringer for the mayor, and he has been talked into auditioning by his family and friends. The audition was trying. Slurpy said, “I sang a Neil Young song. I think it went OK, but I was nervous. It’s not easy with everyone looking at you. It could go either way. I don’t know. Now I’m going for a cold beer.” I think the director has found his man.

Unfortunately, the other candidates for mayor don’t seem to see this as an exercise in humor but rather a serious political matter. Olivia Chow, former New Democratic Party Member of Parliament and widow of the great Jack Layton, has claimed Toronto needs to dispense with the Ford “circus.” She said, “I was in China and they knew about [Ford] They know a lot about two Canadians: Justin Bieber and Rob Ford.” Well, I challenge the reader to name a third Canadian, and no fair saying Olivia Chow, or your own name if you actually are Canadian.

She went on to say, “And even if he’s changed his ways, I don’t think his beliefs have changed one little bit. He’s insulted women and our city’s ethnic, racial and sexual diversity too many times. All that’s changed is he doesn’t even apologize anymore.” And that’s why Rob Ford is funny: He doesn’t realize he’s being a jackass.

His comedic timing is wonderful. He comes back June 30, and Canada observes its national day on July 1. But before that, the Ford campaign will have a cookout for its potential voters on June 29. Doug Ford, the mayor’s brother who has a seat on the city council, said, “We’re going to see thousands of supporters. Come on out, have a hamburger, have a beer. There’s going to be live music.” Beer? Isn’t that how all this started?

Or was it the pot bust in Florida in 1999? Rob can’t lie under pressure, and this makes the next four months truly exciting. When the Toronto Sun challenged him on this issue he said, “No to answer your question. I’m dead serious. When I say no, I mean never. No question, Now I’m getting offended. No means no.” He added, “I don’t use drugs. I’m not in that scene.” Then the reporter showed him the Florida record. “I completely forgot about it until you mentioned it right now,” he said. “You think I’m BSing you but I’m not.” It’s such a bad lie he even had trouble believing it.

Ford concluded, “It completely, totally slipped my mind. It was nothing. It wasn’t a major issue. There’s more serious things in life.”

And there’s very little funnier in politics than Rob Ford.

Jeff Myhre is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine

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