Some celebrity couples look like they will last forever. Think of childhood sweethearts Robin Thicke and Paula Patton. Who can forget folksy, raspy-voiced couple Téa Leoni and David Duchovny? What about nice white couple Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid?
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon were not that kind of couple. It was like Miss Piggy marrying Grover. Not only were they incongruously matched look-wise, but they’re from completely different franchises and time periods. Mariah had her heyday in the 1990s and early 2000s. Granted, so did Nick Cannon, but that was with children. There’s also the glaring 11-year age difference.
Mariah Carey was the definitive diva from the 1990s. Surviving her tumultuous divorce from music mogul Tommy Mottola, her pop-tastic makeover won her tons of fans. That is, until “Glitter” definitively proved that she was bat-shit crazy. The film featuring a half-dressed Mariah living out a TV-movie-of-the-week dramatized retelling of her life was bizarre at best. And we aren’t just talking about her wearing high heels with jean cutoffs. We must never forget her bizarre appearance on “MTV Cribs” where she confessed she had a couch in her kitchen and a room full of beige negligees.
Meanwhile, Nick Cannon can best be described as the black Justin Long. You wonder why he’s famous, but always acknowledge he’s cute and marginally talented. You partly wonder why you’re seeing him, and why he isn’t in more. Cannon swapped the comedy trajectory of his youth on shows like “All That” and “Wild ‘N Out” in favor of becoming a TV host. He’s currently the host of “America’s Got Talent.”
Their marriage and inevitable divorce seems like some sort of M. Night Shyamalan re-telling of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” parable. Everyone had their doubts about the six-year marriage of this couple so bizarrely mismatched. Most of that six years was spent proving they were in love. Whether it was strange interviews with bizarre PDA or them actually mating, they strived to prove they were a real couple. In April 2011, the couple spawned twins, son Moroccan Scott and daughter Monroe (no middle name like her mama).
Once America started to believe maybe this relationship was more than a publicity stunt, word came earlier this month that the couple had, in fact, separated months earlier and divorce is on the horizon. Cannon confirmed rumors, and the net is buzzing with allegations that he’s worried about the children and Mariah’s sanity. Did he not see “Cribs” or “Glitter?”
It’s unclear what will become of Mariah. She may join multiple divorcee and bitter rival Jennifer Lopez and date a younger Latino star. We hear Rico Rodriguez, who plays Manny on “Modern Family,” is single … He’s also younger than Cannon, and Mariah is clearly insane enough to date him next. Meanwhile, how can Cannon rebound from his time spent over the cuckoo’s nest? With such a public face, he will have to rebound his image lest he join Katie Holmes and Lisa Marie Presley in the Sham Wives Club.
The one lesson that we can take away from this bizarre coupling and not-so-conscious uncoupling is sometimes first instincts are true. When something seems too strange to be true, it just might be. Oh, and Mariah Carey is nucking futs.
Christian Cintron is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.