Lindsey Graham is running for president.
If the current South Carolina Republican senator were to win (please keep reading), he’d be a bachelor president. Not the first one, mind you. James Buchanan, Lincoln’s predecessor, wasn’t married either. Andrew Jackson, Indian hater and general dick, called Buchanan and his rumored lover Congressman William Rufus King “Aunt Fancy and Miss Nancy.” Seriously … look it up.
Well, enough about Nancy boys, let’s get back to Graham.
Confirmed bachelor and Southern dandy Graham told Britian’s DailyMail that “Well, I’ve got a sister. She could play that role if necessary.” The senator added that, if elected, he would have a “rotating first lady.” I assume he meant women would rotate through the position, rather than, say, a woman standing on some sort of turning platform, rotating round and round in the East Room or something.
So who would you like to see rotating through as First Lady of Graham’s United States? Here are a few of my suggestions:
Dykes on Bikes
Like, all of them. In honor of gay Pride kicking into high gear across America this month, I have to give a shout-out to my favorite parade contingent: Dykes on Bikes. I see them turning the corner during the Pride parade, in a sort of “Ride of the Valkyries“-style motorcade and thinking of them accompanying a President Graham everywhere he goes is a little too badass not to be mentioned. Plus, this display of leather, roaring engines and unbridled pride would surely make even our staunchest adversaries sit up and take notice.
For her very-public transition documented by Vanity Fair, Caitlyn Jenner has been held as a hero by many. Lindsey Graham used the occasion to talk about one of his favorite things, radical Islamic terrorism. The connection is obvious. Concerning Jenner, Graham told CNN’s Dana Bash that in the eyes of radical Islam, “They hate you as much as they hate Caitlyn Jenner,” adding that “They hate us all because we won’t agree to their view of religion. So America, we are all in this together.” Basically, I’m hated, you’re hated, let’s join together in a big tent party of hate. I do love a good, positive campaign message.
The Hollywood actress recently made headlines with statements claiming she was the beard for many closeted gay men in Tinseltown. She told PrideSource that “Oh, my god. When I was young, I was the female that gay guys wanted to try to become heterosexual with.” So let’s put her in the yes pile.
Well, this would be all sorts of fabulous. And why not break down some outdated gender roles? Why must it be a first lady? And Simmons’ workout, get-healthy lifestyle would be a good replacement for Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! campaign. Let’s face it, “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” is far more presidential.
These are just a few suggestions. If the role of the first lady is to be part political activist, part public figure and parts statesman, all of the above would be, well, fabulous. But I’m guessing Graham will probably go with the inflatable kind.
Brock Thompson is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.