After more than 30 years on TV, David Letterman announced he is retiring. The television legend, and longest-running late-night host in history (he will beat Johnny Carson by three years by the time of his retirement), will leave behind a legacy that has helped shape American TV culture. Aside from his wry, irreverent humor that viewers came to rely on every night at 11:35, Letterman introduced to us wildly popular comedy bits such as Stupid Pet Tricks and the nightly Top 10 List, which have now become traditions as comforting to the American people as apple pie. So the big question now is: who will replace him? Letterman has left behind some pretty big shoes to fill, so CBS will have to be extremely fastidious in its choice. To make the execs’ jobs easier, we’ve come up with what should be the short list of candidates. So stop making your silly lists, you silly execs. Someone from this list will be the next host of the “Late Show.”
Because how cool would it be if she read headlines in the style of “Diamonds”? (“Shine bright like a blood diamond.”)
2. Guy Fieri
Doesn’t everyone want this guy to get another show and talk some more into a camera and have his hair be like that?
3. Vladimir Putin
A new Top 10 List of people to make disappear every night!
4. Kristen Stewart
A better option than a Swingline stapler or an angioplasty balloon.
5. Paris Hilton
In case they want to make extortion a tradition (because you know she has at least eight more sex tapes we don’t know about).
6. Nicolas Cage
You know you want to see him freak out over a jogging Dachshund.
7. Kim Jong-un
It’d be neat to see a live studio audience of 500,000!
8. Samuel L. Jackson
It doesn’t matter who comes on the show because Samuel L. Jackson’s on tonight!
9. Christopher Walken
So much more fun for people at home to fail to impersonate.
10. Alec Baldwin
Because he deserves a second chance after his failed hosting gig at Johnny Rockets (maybe he and Guy Fieri can cohost at a Quaker Steak & Lube to change up the ol’ CBS format).
Karl Lagerfeld (he would revolutionize talk shows as we know them, by not talking), George W. Bush (because clearly someone needs to give him something to do), Gwyneth Paltrow (planted by NBC to tank ratings), Donald Trump (so many people for him to fire!), Snoop Dogg (because talk shows need to up their manicure game), Shia LaBeouf (see George W. Bush reasoning), Meryl Streep (actually, scrap this entire list and let’s just go with her — why have we wasted so much time when Meryl Streep exists?).