Kirk Cameron Tries, Fails to Save Christmas

Thank heavens we have "Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas" to remind us what the season's all about: Rightfully lambasting 'Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas.'
Thank heavens we have “Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas” to remind us what the season’s all about: Rightfully lambasting ‘Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas.’

It’s that time of year again. Holiday commercials and the whole Fox News “War on Christmas” is revived yet again. In case you didn’t know, there is currently an all-out war on Christianity’s second most important holiday. Yada yada.

The noble crusader at the front lines of this war to keep Christmas in the hands of Christians, former child-star-turned-cuckoo evangelical Kirk Cameron (“show me that smile again … show me that smile”). He’s apparently done with trumpeting the glory of the banana, the favorite fruit of atheists and evolutionary theorists alike and is on to saving the yuletide from the clutches of political correctness run amok. To save Christmas, Little Mike Seaver is out with a new movie!

But please keep reading.

What did Kirk Cameron call his new movie about saving Christmas? In a title that probably took hours for writers and creative teams to come up with, they settled on “Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas.” The premise: If, and this is a big IF, Christmas is being taken over by commercialism and profit, why not just embrace that? I mean, the magi did bring gifts, after all. And according to Cameron, the three kings probably trampled a Target greeter for the best Black Friday deal on frankincense.

Watch the trailer here:

Yeah. I know.

My favorite part? All those stupid white people gyrating, like when you first saw your parents try to fast dance at a family wedding. And to put an exclamation point on that, they insert a comic black man. Gosh, aren’t black people funny? But never mind, it’s all for Christmas.

Also, check out the film’s (can I call this a “film”?) website for all sorts of little gems and inspirational messages. Not only is the film produced in partnership with Liberty University (can I call that a “university?”), you can also watch an inspirational and completely nonsensical message from Phil and Miss Kay Robertson of “Duck Dynasty.” You remember those charmers, right? Those swamp thugs save Christmas practically every year, but cut an album featuring such classics as “Camouflage and Christmas Lights.”

Well, never mind them. If you are at all thinking of seeing the surely Capra-esque “Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas,” you might want to save your money first. Head on over to the “Saving Christmas” Rotten Tomatoes page. The reviews there will certainly make you giddy with Christmas joy. Here are some of my favorites:

“This may be one of the least artful holiday films ever made. Even devout born-again Christians will find this hard to stomach.” — Chicago Sun-Times

“How do you prove a horse is an animal? Because I like Sweden. That’s the style of absurd logic that happens in ‘Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas'” — Arizona Republic

“As a movie, ‘Saving Christmas’ is not good. But as a teaching aid for congregants about having their fruitcake and eating it, too? Sure, why not. Go nuts, guys.” — Austin Chronicle

“Perhaps the only Christmas movie I can think of, especially of the religious-themed variety, that seems to flat-out endorse materialism, greed and outright gluttony.” — RogerEbert.com

So, the next time someone wishes you “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” punch them in the groin and drag them to see “Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas.”

Happy holidays, indeed.

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas” opened in select theaters Friday, Nov. 14 for a two-week run. 

Brock Thompson is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine

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