Kick the Drug Habit and Get a Prayer On Your Subway Commute

Kick the Drug Habit and Get a Prayer On Your Subway Commute

New York’s mass-transit system is a colorful one. Millions of tourists and locals from all walks of life filter through thousands of turnstiles located across the five boroughs. A variety of language, fashion and culture blends together intimately for a short time before being released back into the world.

Vibrancy, though, can be found beyond the many different colors assigned to the train lines and the city’s ethnic diversity. I’m specifically talking about the strange things you experience daily on the nation’s largest subway system.


Like that finance dude who couldn’t drink as much as his buddies and is now puking on himself …

… Or that lingering smell which doesn’t appear to have a source …

… Or that woman who begs for money with a ridiculous new sob story every time you see her …

… Or that tiny Asian woman who somehow collected six giant bags of cans and bottles for the deposit money …

… Or that really wild breakdancer who kicked someone while performing a trick …

… Or that homeless dude jerking off on the far end of the train car.

If you’ve ever felt trapped in a nightmarish situation — like standing on a delayed L train during rush hour — look around you. Help might just be an advertisement away. Below are ads I saw recently on a train in Manhattan.



Anytime any Ivy League school is offering free help, you had better take it. Unfortunately, the habitual green smokers with the most serious issues are probably the type that rarely makes it to the trains. If only Cheetos bags had this same message, these people might be better off.

Wow, Columbia really isn’t fucking around about helping the addicts, is it? This particular ad puts more emphasis on the “confidential” part, because being known as a cokehead is more likely to damage your reputation than the title of stoner … I guess. If you’re doing four lines of the white stuff at a time, please consider calling the number above.


Thank goodness! You can find all your answers right here. If you simply text 88202, start with “wwpray” and type a prayer, the Times Square Church will pray for you. I mean, it’s 2014, right? You can literally pay for anything nowadays, so why not this? Stoners, if you made it past the weed part of this post, you will absolutely love how convenient this is for you.

But wait just a minute. I did a little digging, and it looks as though 88202 is run by a group text messaging system called If you look up its track record, you’ll find that it has allegedly spammed information on events, night clubs and even porn! Family first, eh? I just love when churches become illegitimate businesses in the name of the Lord.

Long story short, stay away from texting heaven, because you might get penis enlargement ads on your cell. Also, if your nose has more powder than Lindsay Lohan’s did in 2009, head over to Morningside Heights immediately.

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