Josh Brolin Attempts Taint Tanning, Instantly Regrets It

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Josh Brolin Attempts Taint Tanning, Instantly Regrets It

DON’T DO TAINT TANNING, SAYS JOSH BROLIN AFTER INSTANT HINDSIGHT REGRETS

So do you remember that time that you thought it would be a good idea to get a nice sun tan on your bunghole?  No?  Maybe you didn’t recognize that word.  Maybe pucker hole?  A$$hole?  Well, how about your taint?  You know, it taint this and it taint that?  The space between on your backside?  Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.  But so does Josh Brolin, up close and way personal.  Brolin tried him some taint tanning.  To say that he instantly regretted it is no understatement.  But I suppose we should be fair (hah!) and call this by its fancy name: perineum sunning.”

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TAINT TANNING SUPPOSEDLY REGULATES HORMONES, SLEEP PATTERNS, BUT REALLY JUST BURNS YOUR BUNGHOLE

See? That sounds almost friendly and even a little trendy.  I can see where Brolin got sold.  One outspoken practitioner who calls herself Metaphysical Meagan, says that exposing your bunghole to the sun’s rays can regulate your hormones as well as your sleep patterns.  Well, ok.  That’s interesting to read.  But Josh, how did that work out for you?  He reported on Instagram, “Tried this perineum sunning that I’ve been hearing about and my suggestion is DO NOT do it as long as I did.  My pucker hole is crazy burned and I was going to spend the day shopping with my family and instead I’m icing and using aloe and burn creams because of the severity of the pain.  I don’t know who the fuck thought of this stupid shit but fuck you nonetheless. Seriously.”

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IF YOU TAN YOUR TAINT, REMEMBER IT IS MORE SENSITIVE THAN TRUMP, AND HAS EVEN LESS PIGMENT

So there you have it.  Even the man who portrayed Thanos says the sun don’t shine out of there, and it certainly shouldn’t be shined ON there either.  But any dermatologist could explain why this isn’t a great idea.  Even in moderation.  Since most of our taints never see the light of day, that skin down there ain’t used to it.  It doesn’t even really produce pigment, a natural defense against the sun’s rays.  Plus, that skin down there is waaaaaaay sensitive.  So getting a sunburn down there is no way to have fun.  It’s safer just to talk out of that instead.

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