John Boehner, the outgoing Speaker of the House has left a controversial legacy filled with political infighting and threats of government shutdown.
All good John Boehners must come to an end, and today John Boehner — Speaker of the House and noted drunk — ceased to become an erect Boehner, and instead retreated to the much smaller and ultimately pathetic half-Boehner that he had been before, dribbling slightly a clear-white liquid from a small opening near the tip, dazed and confused and ultimately wanting to go back to somewhere warm and dark.
Giving in to the Senate’s deal, Boehner ultimately pulled out before climaxing, rendering him in many respects blue. The pitiful excuse for a Boehner limped home, presumably, to a wife entirely indifferent to Boehner entirely and more focused on her social standing and upkeep. John Boehner — scourge of many a Democrat’s waking nightmare for the last couple of weeks, thanks to the government shutdown — has been reduced in size dramatically, and is now far more pliable and susceptible to the elements. The GOP is expected to form a kind of “blanket” over Boehner, or at the very least, provide briefs so that Mister Boehner can keep a shred of dignity.
Hailing from a long line of Boehners, John Boehner may go down in history as the only Boehner to effectively shut down an entire country. While Bill Clinton had his dalliances back in the late ’90s, which in turn affected modern policy, Boehner almost single-handedly was able to fuck up the daily lives of millions of Americans. For a while, Boehner was so big in the political sphere that a caucus of several men gathered around him, fighting for Boehner’s attention, grasping at whatever they could get their hands on. However, despite several attempts to make Boehner bigger than he already was, there simply wasn’t enough Boehner to go around.
Yes, the Boehner fell apart due to trying to appear hard for nearly two weeks straight — a feat for most men, sure — but despite hundreds of millions of dollars being funded directly into the pool designed, almost specifically, to help Boehner achieve political climax, it appears that Boehner could not fulfill his initial promise.
But let us not forget the Koch Brothers, the Nebraskan agriculture magnates whose political influence reaches far. And when a Koch reaches from Nebraska to Washington, D.C., it’s difficult to ignore, especially when the Koch comes with money. A Koch coming with money. Think about that for a second. Will the two brothers Koch choke Boehner in an apparent quadruple-layered dick joke? Only time will tell, dear reader, but hell hath no fury like a Koch spurned. Those two Kochs will jump down John’s whiskey-soaked throat faster than you can say “this dick joke is approaching almost 500 words.”
Will a Boehner get sympathy in the future? The American public has rarely been sympathetic to a sycophantic human erection, but for now only time will tell. Only one thing is certain: if Boehner acts like previous Boehners, he will be unable to be woken from his slumber for at least another 30 minutes.