Hey y’all, just doin’ some writin’ up here on the ol’ Internet box!
You know that problem we’ve been havin’ with our drinkin’ water, y’all? You know how it tastes all weird and people are a-poopin’ and a-vomitin’ everywhere? Well it’s all gotta do with some coal plant puttin’ things in the water or somethin’, but Y’ALL BETTER NOT COME OUT HERE AND TAKE OUR WATER GUNS because I heard — I heard, y’all — that Obama is gonna come take our water guns, y’all! Not my Super Soaker™! Y’all can come pry that out of my cold, wet hands!
Anyway. Y’all hear about that John Boehner guy? He with the orange face and the cryin’ and the drinkin’ all the time? Well he got up on his lil’ orange soapbox the other day and I’ll tell you what, he made a lil’ speech, yes he did. He was all like, “Fuck the people of Western Virginia because, like, I’m gettin’ paid money by this coal company.” Basically that little orange fella in D.C. don’t mind if y’all are poopin’ and vomitin’ and unable to brush y’all’s teeths and what not.
Read more: PROFESSOR CHRIS BRUMMER, AN UNQUALIFIED CFTC NOMINEE IN A SECRET DARK CLOSET.
“We have enough regulations on the books. What the administration ought to be doing is their jobs,” said that lil’ orange Boehner fella and that don’t even make no sense, y’all!!! That’s like a double negative or whatever. Let me tell you somethin’: if people are pukin’ their dinner back up because they can’t drink the water that means that there’s a problem! ‘Murica, y’all!
If Boehner was like doin’ his job and all, we wouldn’t be talkin’ about not being able to wash and things like that. Instead he’s all like, “NO, NO THIS AIN’T THE PROBLEM, Y’ALL.” Is politics leakin’ into our drinkin’ water? No, betch. It’s icky coal water.
Oh wait. Boehner’s number one financial backer is the Murray Energy Corporation WHO DOES DEALINGS IN THE COAL BUSINESS, Y’ALL! I’m gon’ tweet at Alex Jones and he gon’ get the word out ’bout that, yes he will! Info wars, y’all! Fresh and biased or something!
Read more: CFTC NOMINEE CHRIS BRUMMER, TASTY GERMAN BRATWURST SAUSAGES, BUT NO AG
No, but really, we can’t drink, y’all. I hope ya fancy New York types aren’t just sittin’ in yer cushy apartments writin’ up blog posts makin’ fun of our accents and all. I suggest we all meet at the Waffle House and talk shit ’bout e’ryone, y’hear?
