Illegal sex is illegal, really?
Illegal sex comes in all guises and forms, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily legal or permissible.
Intrigued by our long-standing puritanical attitudes toward sex and old state laws on certain kinds of sex, I was enticed to delve deeper into how illegal the sex you’re having actually is. While knowing the legality of your sex might not make it extra kinky, adventurous or heartfelt, or spare you a visit to the clinker, it might make you think twice about the way you practice and consume your sex.
For instance, did you know it’s illegal to own more than six dildos in Texas (yes, I know: life sucks), to have an erection in public in South Dakota, and to have oral or anal sex in Pennsylvania? But fortunately necrophilia is legal in the state of Louisiana and trying it in Wisconsin wont get you in trouble. Yes, I am scurrying to book my flight to Wisconsin too…
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Or how about this: prostitutes and their clients in Louisiana who are caught engaged in oral sex are routinely charged with “crimes against nature.” This raises the question: why are we so uncomfortable with nature? For example, why is it illegal for women to bear their breasts in so many states here in the U.S.? Are we that afraid of our latent sexual desires or what certain images, objects, body parts or acts mean and how we relate to such things? And if so, why? Is that to say sex, the objectification of it, or the participation of it between consenting adults ought to be a no-no? Why vilify something that ought to be natural and has been an ongoing part of human relations for thousands of years?
To give you a full roundup, below are a map of the country’s weird, kinky sex laws and the complete list of sex laws state by state for your viewing pleasure. Shall we then?
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Alabama
Incestuous marriages are legal.
Alaska
Moose are banned from having sex on city streets (in Fairbanks).
Arizona
You may not have more than two dildos in the same house.
Arkansas
Flirtation and “lascivious banter” between men and women on the streets may result in a 30-day jailterm. (in Little Rock.)
California
It’s illegal to sell stuffed items resembling breasts (“boobie pillows”) within 1000 feet of a highway.
No man shall dress as a woman without the written permission of the sheriff. (In Walnut, Calif.)
Colorado
Male massage parlor workers must wear all white clothing. (In Adams County).
Keeping a house where unmarried persons are allowed to have sex is prohibited.
Florida
Married couples (as well as singles) cannot engage in open “lewdness or lascivious behavior”
Georgia
The term “sadomasochistic abuse” is defined so broadly, that it could possibly be applied to a person handcuffing another in a clown suit.
All sex toys are banned.
Illinois
If you sell a reptile, you must give a written warning not to “nuzzle or kiss” them.
It’s prohibited by law to “suffer any bitch or slut” (referring to dogs) (in Minooka.)
Indiana
It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public.
Iowa
Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
Kansas
Illegal “sodomy” includes oral sex, but anal penetration with a finger is allowed under specified circumstances.
Kentucky
Dogs must not molest property or people.
Until 1975, people wearing bathing suits on any city street were required have a police escort.
Louisiana
Necrophilia is legal.
It’s illegal to use fortune-telling, astrology or palmistry to “settle lovers quarrels.” (In New Orleans.)
Massachusetts
Making noise in a public library is a crime against “chastity, morality, decency and good order.”
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Michigan
A man who seduces or corrupts an unmarried woman faces five years in prison.
Low-riding pants that expose underwear are a Class B offense. But if they expose butt cleavage, they’re a Class A offense. (In Flint.)
Mississippi
It’s illegal to teach others what polygamy is.
Adultery or premarital sex results in a fine of $500 or 6 months in prison.
Montana
Prostitution is a “crime against the family.”
Nebraska
You can’t get married if you have gonorrhea
Nevada
Sale of sex toys is illegal.
New Hampshire
Lingerie must not be hung on a clothesline at the airport, unless there’s a screen concealing it. (In Kidderville.)
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New Jersey
Flirting is illegal. (In Haddon Township, N.J.)
New Mexico
Nudity is allowed as long as genitals and female nipples are covered.
New York
Adultery is illegal.
North Carolina
Adultery is illegal. And so is pretending to be married in order to share a hotel room.
North Dakota
It was illegal to swim naked in the Red River between 8 AM and 8 PM. (In Fargo.)
It’s against the law to fail to confine a dog or cat in heat. (In Grand Forks.)
Ohio
No person shall solicit sex from another of the same gender if it offends the second person.
Oklahoma
It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to engage in “acts, or simulated acts, of sexual intercourse, masturbation, sodomy, bestiality, oral copulation, flagellation, or any sexual acts which are otherwise prohibited by law.” So, no simulated intercourse or animal sex.
Oregon
It’s illegal to lie down in a public restroom, or for two people to share a stall meant for one.
Pennsylvania
Oral and anal sex are illegal. You cannot cohabit with an “ancestor or descendant.”
South Carolina
If a man promises to marry a woman and she sleeps with him, the marriage must take place.
South Dakota
Public erections are illegal.
Tennessee
Students may not hold hands in school.
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Texas
It’s illegal to own more than six dildos.
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Utah
It’s illegal to marry your first cousin before the age of 65 — or 55 if you can prove both parties are infertile.
An adult cannot show sex paraphernalia to a minor, unless they’re your own child. (In Salt Lake City.)
Virginia
Adultery is a misdemeanor.
Obscenity is a bigger crime if you use a computer.
Washington
If you give a sex worker a ride to work, your car can be confiscated.
West Virginia
An unmarried couple who lived together and “lewdly associated” could face up to a year in jail. (Recently repealed.)
