Last month, headlines announced that in Iceland, the Pirate Party had become the country’s biggest political party. I immediately made plans to relocate. Now that’s a political party I can get behind. I’m totally down with swilling copious amounts of grog from tankards! And replacing stonewalling and impasse-reaching and tantrum-throwing with timber-shivering and hatch-battening and plank-walking could only be an improvement. Also, it seemed like as good an excuse as any to finally obtain a pet parrot who curses.
Alas, in the real world, it’s not that kind of Pirate Party. The term was merely coined to capture an overall spirit of rogue fringe-dwelling, and thus intended to be more of a rejection of conventional politics than anything else. Which is still great and all, but no — they don’t hand out free eye patches with membership.
As in Iceland, a good many Americans also wish there were more-exciting political parties to choose from beyond the handful of dreary ones we’re currently stuck with. Here are a few fun, outside-the-box alternatives to consider and contemplate:
The Vines Party
All political speeches and rebuttals are confined to six seconds, plus they must contain footage of kittens doing adorable things or dogs howling along to “My Heart Must Go On” if they hope to experience any gains in popularity.
The Thor Party
Since grudge matches between political opponents are inevitable, it would be far more entertaining to behold if actual smiting were involved.
The Peeps Party
This party would gain influence not through lobbying or bribing, but through the dispensing of fun-themed marshmallow treats. Because who doesn’t love candy?
The Llama Party
Remember those two llamas on the loose in Arizona in February? Of course you do. The footage that captured their determined bid for freedom dominated news outlets, and it proved that people will drop everything to pay attention to llamas. Llamas should capitalize on this. Also, it’d be hilarious to watch them expectorate all over their opponents on the Senate floor.
The Grumpy Cat Party
Inspired by the curmudgeonly and trademark disinterest of that famous feline aka Tardar Sauce, and in direct contrast to just about any other politician on Earth, members of this party wouldn’t even pretend to care what their constituents want or think. Admit it — that kind of brutal honesty would be extremely refreshing.
These are just a few humble suggestions, of course. Feel free to add to the list in the comments section below.
Julia Diddy is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.
