Last Thursday, Gwyneth Paltrow’s digital lifestyle company, Goop, celebrated its fifth birthday, and the very next day, she celebrated her 41st. “I can’t believe this is the fifth anniversary of goop,” Paltrow wrote. “I look back and I don’t even really know why I started it. What the f was I thinking? I just thought, hey, why not? And now, here we are. A community. A business. A team.” (It seems like a lot of bored blond actresses are starting lifestyle companies these days for no reason, but we’ll get to that in a bit.)
It may have been a milestone week for Paltrow, but it was coldly overshadowed by not one, but two fellow celebs. The first is Generation Y’s answer to Paltrow, Blake Lively, and the second is Uncle J to Paltrow’s kids, Jay Z. Let’s break down how these assholes stole the spotlight from Paltrow.
The day before Goop celebrated its fifth anniversary, Lively announced that she, too, is launching a lifestyle company. Although she didn’t elaborate on what topics she’d be covering, it’s not difficult to surmise. She is the face of Gucci Première and a muse to Karl Lagerfeld, not to mention, a walking mannequin for the latest runway collections. So you know fashion will be a main topic. She’s constantly humble bragging about her cooking skills and how all she ever wants to do is bake and eat and make a nice home, like a nice housewife. “OMG I’m so not a typical celebrity, guys.” And she recently told Lucky magazine all about how she decorated her Bedford, NY, home that she shares with husband Ryan Reynolds all by herself. So that’s cooking, recipes, and home decor inspiration. It’s beginning to smell a lot like Goop. I’d like to think that upon hearing this news, Paltrow channeled her “Country Strong” character, put on her leather-paneled leggins, silk-blend Joie tank and Stella McCartney tuxedo jacket, sat down at her laptop, started writing a Goop newsletter on strawberry soup, and thought to herself, “Honey, this is how it’s done.”
Meanwhile, one of Paltrow’s supposed best friends, Jay Z, is appearing on the cover of Vanity Fair’s current issue. As you may remember, Paltrow started boycotting the mega publication after it became more critical of Hollywood, with such stories as Brad Pitt’s disastrous “World War Z” production and the influence of Scientology on the marriage of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Paltrow even went so far as to rally support from her friends. “Vanity Fair is threatening to put me on the cover of their magazine,” Paltrow apparently wrote them. “If you are asked for quotes of comments, please decline. Also, I recommend you all never do this magazine again.” I’m sure “Uncle J” was one of her recipients, but I guess he chose the publicity over her plea.
To be fair, it was a pretty epic interview, and he divulged information that fans of both him and Beyoncé have been starved for. What’s he going to do? Let his fans die hungry? For instance, he talks about life with Blue Ivy and whose music she prefers, mommy’s or daddy’s; he recounts his days as a drug dealer in Bed-Stuy and how it taught him business lessons; and he talks about how he had to wine and dine Beyoncé. I would have easily sacrificed one Gwyneth Paltrow to feed his fans for at least six monts. And who knows. Maybe he had already agreed before her boycotting started, or maybe he just thinks she’s being silly. Regardless, she must be currently ignoring her Jay Z playlist on Spotify.
I can’t wait for Lively to launch her lifestyle site so we can pick it apart. I think the lesson learned here is that we celebrity fans are like a pack of rabid seagulls eagerly waiting for bits of fodder to be thrown at us. And when we go without any food, we start writing articles speculating how one celebrity’s week got fucked up.