Ah, fall in our nation’s capital. The crisp air, the changing foliage on the elm trees that line Washington, D.C.’s grand avenues. And cue the hundreds of misguided “values voters” who jam up the metro and and litter our streets with Filet-O-Fish wrappers and anti-abortion pamphlets.
The 2014 Values Voter Summit descends on the District this weekend.
Known as the biggest party in Washington, D.C., by no one, the 2014 Values Voter Summit is set to begin today at the Omni Shoreham Hotel, where the bar is already stocked up on ginger ale and cherries for those crazy after parties. And like last year, TheBlot Magazine is here to report from the front lines of the biggest Obama-hating, Jesus-loving, Gay-baiting, Hillary-Clinton-is-a-Lesbian-Devil, Reagan-fantasy rally of them all.
Lined up to speak on such issues are all the usual suspects, Sen. Ted Cruz, Sen. Rand Paul, Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst, Rep. Michele “Somehow Still Relevant” Bachmann, Mike “Shameless Self Promoter” Huckabee and Lt. Col. Oliver North, whose bio reads Fox News contributor and best-selling author. I will add criminal to that.
The program is filled with sure-to-be-thrilling roundtables and breakout sessions. On Friday, for instance, you can check out this exciting panel:
MARRIAGE IN AMERICA: THE ROAD AHEAD
This panel features Aaron and Melissa Klein, Owners, Sweet Cake Bakery. You may remember them as the Oregon bakers who refused to bake a cake for a lesbian wedding because their business model includes, you know, not making money from customers. Ever since then, the Christian Right has since trumpeted the couple as Rosa Parks of refined sugar. Yes, when it comes to persecuted groups around the world, Oregon bakers are surely up there toward the top of the list.
But when it comes to grabbing headlines with off-the-deep-end statement, stick around on Saturday for a panel with Huckabee, who will be joined by Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar and the Duggar family, who you can catch on TLC’s “19 Broken Condoms and Counting” and Alan Robertson of “Duck Dynasty.” Sigh.
There is also this not-to-be-missed panel (the emphasis is theirs):
“SEXUALITY IN THE “HOOK-UP” CULTURE
In a Modern Family culture that has flatlined, sexual promiscuity is the New Normal. The challenge for today’s young adults to navigate the Blurred Lines of sexual identity and conduct can feel like an incoming Wrecking Ball. Why wait when you Love Somebody? Are we Born this Way? Why hold back when we can just Come and Get It? Join us as we tackle these questions and promote a shock to a desensitized culture.”
Jesus. Well, clearly the conference organizers both subscribe to TV Guide and have a desire to be hip in the eyes of the younger value voters. I hope no pregnant women read that, though, it may well induce an abortion.
Speaking of abortions, the group has not lost its rather gross fasciation with them. Remember in 2009 when one speaker suggested that abortions be done in public? Well, TheBlot does. Watch it here;
Why are these always in Washington, D.C.? Surely these events will be better situated in places like, say, Shreveport or Boise. Well, until then, TheBlot will be there. Check back next week for our wrap up. Until then, keep voting with your values.
Brock Thompson is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.