Jay Leno is back! Hey folks, how you guys doin’ tonight?
Great, great, great. Well we’ve got a real treat for you tonight. Gonna talk about politics. Yep!
And of course the best band in the business, The Tonight Show band. Let’s give them a hand.
Well it looks like Boehner here — you read about this guy? — John Boehner, Speaker of the House. Looks like he’s not budging on this bill. Nope. Not at all. Did you guys ever hear the one about the Boehner that wouldn’t budge?(bass sound)
But seriously folks, it looks like this shutdown is affecting everyone. Like the zoos. Did you hear about this? Did you read about this? Are you aware of this? Has this crossed your field of knowledge, anyone? Anyone see this picture? Let’s show them the picture …
Did you see that picture? Sad picture. Real sad. But can you imagine the parent that drives their kid to the zoo to show them the zoo’s closed?
Settle down, folks. Settle down. We’re really onto something here.
Great weather we’re having in Burbank, yes it is. Did you guys go outside today? Are you aware of the outside world? Has the simplistic concept indoor/outdoor state of beings managed to eke its way into your consciousness? Are there doors where you are or a vast, open, slightly desolate expanse?
Well, Obama’s top climate change advisor is leaving her position in the administration. Yeah. So that is a thing that has happened! What do you folks think about that?
Obama’s gone down in certain polls, too. Can this guy ever catch a break?
First it was “Yes we can.” Next it’s gonna be “Yes … but maybe!”
OK, so you folks didn’t like that one. Alright. Alright. Well what else do we have here.
Did you guys see this? Did it crawl like a newborn across the carpet of your mind? Ben Carson — a neuroscientist, mind you — is saying that Obamacare is the worst thing to happen since slavery. Slavery! And the guy saying this is black, too. Can you believe it? What do you guys think? Do you guys think? Do you guys have ideas of your own? Can you lift a single f*cking finger to save yourself from the silent wildfire of indifference that’s sweeping across this great nation?
OK, you guys think Obamacare might be bad, but hear this. A guy in China — China! Great food over there, great walls, too — this guy sawed off his own leg because he couldn’t get treatment for it. Yikes! And you thought you had a bad day! Can you imagine what it would be like to be this guy, what it must be like to be in his shoe?
OK folks, we got a great show for you tonight. Seth Rogen is here! Bonnie Raitt is here! So stick around and we’ll be right back with the slow dismantling of the American national collective consciousness, undermined only by our own arrogance as to even address the problems we have, forever and ever, amen.