Grandson Jerker Steals Grandma’s Security Camera to Hide Masturbation

HIDE THE SALAMI? OR SAUSAGE PARTY ON FILM?

This is no tear jerker by any means. Different strokes for different Folks? West Virginia brings us Tristan Tucker of St. Albans, who was charged with daytime burglary reported to the Dunbar Police Department for stealing home security cameras from his grandmother’s home. Evidently, he didn’t want her to see him masturbating.

ABUSED DOLPHIN FOOTAGE HAD TO BE DESTROYED

Poor grandma reported that he repeatedly broke into her house via a window to disarm her security cameras and the DVR system. When confronted by police Tucker confirmed and a confession for the break-ins, theft and DVR disarming and explained an incredible motive why: his original illegal entry was allegedly to charge his cell phone, which enabled him to watch porn while he waited and resulted in him working on his “beef jerky.”

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GRANDMA, WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE?

At some point in his personal indoor excursion Tucker realized the sticky situation he was in; grandma had a video security system which recorded his solo performance and his remedy to prevent her seeing the recording was to steal the security cameras and the DVR box. Too bad he didn’t use the Google for his recorded noodle or Tucker would have realized the easier solution would be to simply erase the footage.

SMALL NOODLE LEADS TO SMALLER USE OF NOODLE

Tucker then said he stomped on the cameras before throwing them away in the river. But here’s the rub. Tucker didn’t destroy the DVR. He allegedly just hid it somewhere on his grandma’s property. Again, no one really understands what stomping on the cameras accomplished.

Authorities found it and were able to view footage of their touchy suspect illegally breaking into his grandmother’s house on numerous occasions. The criminal complaint did not note whether or not the footage showed Tucker pleasuring himself. He remains behind bars at a local jail on $10,000 bond. No word on whether he sent his grandmother a Mother’s Day card.

Still no word if Dunbar found the tatanka on tape….